FREEZE BITCHES!

That's right peeps, Cowbell Gene is taking over the Wicked Truth (although I'm keeping Mr. Hand and Meatbag on-board in case they decide to post something during their off-time).

Raise yo ho-slappin' hands to the sky mutherfizzles! There's a new asshole in charge!

Now to Bidness homies:

EXXON MOBIL CORP REPORTS THE FIFTH HIGHEST QUARTERLY PROFIT IN HISTORY:

The company, in turn, justifies their cost increases to their increasing exploration needs, while giving their fantabuloso CEO a nice retirement package. If I was a dealmaker with the auto industry I would set the standards to the following conditions:

1. Keep raising gas prices because it'll bring down the SUV as we know it. No more getting stuck behind a Ford Beheameth on the freeway unable to read any of the freeway signs or being forcefed a littany of fucking Bush/Cheney bumper stickers and why some asshole suburbanite is more patriotic and shit like that. Go ahead and charge like $9.00 per gallon (perhaps they could set the price by the overall weight of the vehicle).

Perhaps with higher gas prices, more people will live closer to where they work, public transportation will be better utilized and cities will be less polluted. Its the ol' force behavior by hitting them in the wallet strategy. You can't afford plasma TV's and patroitic truck decals if you're forking in over half your income to haul your white hairy redneck ass accross town.

2. We'll agree to that increase in prices on one condition:
Invest in alternative fuels and research. Get out of being an "oil" company and concentrate on becoming an "energy" company that focuses on renewable fuels. Let's free ourselves from foreign oil. Your favorite oil man in Washington said it best "American is addicted to oil."

Well how about doing more than paying lipservice Georgie boy!

Click Here to see why I'm TiVO'ing the new season of SOUTH PARK

FROM SARAH:

Trey Parker and Matt Stone are hilarious even when they aren't making cartoon kids say bad words.

Gabe showed me this (click the header) article yesterday. Apparently the creators of "South Park" don't take Tom Cruise nearly as seriously as Tom Cruise does.

Where there is a will there is a way.

Stay tuned for THE RETURN OF MISTER HAND.

MISTER HAND SHALL RETURN

FROM MISTER HAND:

Thanks for all the support you guys have given me through emails, messages, etc. Yes, I can no longer blog at work (which means that Meatbag can no longer blog at work, either). Yes, I am in the midst of high Baby Mama Drama.

However, the fact is, work has been extremely busy lately and I've been wiped out by the time I get home in the evening. Hopefully, things will slow down a bit after this week and I'll be back in business.

And, for the record, I used to do most of my writing at night anyway. I would merely polish and post during slow periods throughout the workday. So my sudden lack of updates actually has little to do with the new restrictions and has everything to do with me being a zombie in the evenings.

But this too shall pass.

More later...

GET READY FOR THE "V FOR VENDETTA" RIGHT-WING BACKLASH!

NASA PROBE SLIDES INTO TIGHT ORBIT!

FROM JAMWALL

Refuting Creationist claims that man and monkey are not related.

Mister Hand wants you all to click on the link for more.

MORE TO COME...

FROM MISTER HAND:

Just a teaser for some thoughts I plan to post later in the day:

George W. Bush, Republicans in Congress, the Dubai Ports Deal.

After passing a measure to kill the Dubai deal yesterday, Republicans were instrumental in having it attached to a major spending bill providing funds to Iraq and victims of Hurricane Katrina. The President has promised to veto any measure queering the Dubai deal. And now President Bush has the chance to be in John Kerry's shoes--where a spending measure he wants gets a last minute attachment he has promised to oppose.

Heh-heh. That pleases me.

The Abortion Debate.

Pro-Choice, Anti-Abortion--you're both wrong. As soon as the debate begins, you both lose. The argument is unwinnable and serves only to reinforce the powers of those who rise to prominence by manipulating people, stoking the fires of hatred and prejudice by rallying around stalemate social issues.

The Queen was correct: the abortion debate is only relevant to those who might have one. Daniel disagrees in part with that as he believes another life is involved. But he is wrong and his argument is an inherently religious one. Without religion, without the problem of the conception of "the soul," there is no debate as to whether or not a fetus is a sentient form of life. It is not. But religion dictates that it nonetheless is a vessel housing a soul.

Obviously, religious people will never be convinced otherwise unless they first wise up and stop believing in religion.

On the other hand, the Pro-Choice side vents its shrill gas, talking about back alley abortions and brandishing their bumper sticker slogans. I listen to this debate and wonder if I would like to hang out and have a beer with anyone on either side.

Favoring choice is the correct stance. Pro-choice as a movement is no less ridiculous than the Anti-Abortion cartels.

More later...

Don't Shoot the Messenger

FROM SARAH:

Bad news everyone. Mister Hand and Meatbag have been "blocked via firm firewall" so things are going to slow down here during the day. Just know that this isn't because they don't love you guys. They will try to post and comment during non-business hours.

Label Me: Not Surprised (click here for more)

FROM SARAH:

Barry Bonds was on steroids? Who would have ever guessed? (Thanks for the heads up Aaron.)

FAREWELL, PUCK

FROM JAMWALL

Late yesterday, someone who provided me with many pleasureable baseball viewing moments passed away.

Before Kirby Puckett joined the Minnesota Twins, I never really followed baseball that much. But he was incredibly fun to watch as a player and was able to couple that with a terrific personality. As the years went on, his leadership abilities helped bring two professional sports championships to a region that was starving for a title. As a local sports fan, I was given many enjoyable moments thanks to the skills, ethusiasm and toughness of Kirby.

He was the Minnesota Twins during their championship era. Five years following his retirement, the Twins, once again, started putting together winning seasons that included three straight division titles. But, those teams never could quite reach the playoff promiseland enjoyed by Kirby's teams because they lacked that one clutch player who could carry the rest of the teamon his back.

After his retirement, Puckett made it to the Hall of Fame But this would prove to be difficult years. Kirby took a tough hit following his divorce and the sexual assault allegations, gained a tremendous amount of weight, moved to Arizona to assume a low-profile. He was unrecognizable anyway; ballooning to well over 300 pounds.

In spite of how hard Puckett fell after his baseball career, he gave me and a lot of people many awesome memories. Thanks again, Kirby!

NUTS

FROM MISTER HAND:

No more blogging during work hours.

That's the decree passed down yesterday from my superiors. And it couldn't have come at a worse time, seeing as how I have so much to blog about right now.

Not to worry. This too shall pass.

In the meantime, whereas I used to make most of my posts at night and polish and post them during the day, I suppose I'll just have to change my habits. That is, if I can come home from work once in a while and not fall right to sleep and remain unconscious for the next twelve hours.

Yeah. I've gone from being a six hour sleeper to being a twelver. This is s a result of my latest encounters with The Stripper and her attempts to once again rip my kid out of school and uproot him to another state. We went to court yesterday and I've stopped that madness for now, but this is just the opening volley in what promises to be a really nasty custody battle.

Actually, last night was better--after the judge enjoined The Stripper from leaving the state at least before the end of the school year. I spent Thursday, Friday, and all weekend practically hunched over with nausea in anticipation of the hearing. I've had to go through this before.

More later...

Did this somehow turn into a semi-Scumbag post?

Hm.

South Dakota, You've Got to be Kidding Me.

FROM SARAH:

The Governor of South Dakota signed a bill into law today that bans all abortions unless the mother's life is in danger. This law criminalizes abortions even in cases of rape.

If this decision is not overturned a doctor in South Dakota performing an abortion could serve up to five years in prison. Even if it is a teenager who was raped by her father.

Welcome to another dark age.

As a woman this has always been an important issue for me. I am a mother. I have never had an abortion. At this point in my life I cannot imagine that I would ever even have to consider having an abortion. That being said, it is still important to me that abortions remain legal and safe. People are going to continue to abort unwanted pregnancies no matter what the law says. It seems to me it is a question of safe hospital procedures or back alley butcheries.

These South Dakota legislators - I wonder how many of them have adopted unwanted crack babies. Is anybody talking about the state of South Dakota's foster homes? Is anybody worried about the kids that get put in cages by foster parents that are just in it for the check? Yes, adoption is a fantastic option, if you have health insurance and you plan on having a healthy white baby. That might sound racist, but it isn't. It is just the way it is.

Abortion is not a pretty option. Ask anyone who has ever had one. It is not an easy decision. You don't forget about it. I see it as being a choice you make when you don't have a choice.

Safe and legal South Dakota. If you are anti-abortion, just don't have one. You think you are saving the unborn child's life, but you have to consider the 14 year old child who is pregnant. What about her life?

NOT THAT ANYONE'S NOTICED...

FROM MISTER HAND:

I've been out-of-pocket the past couple of days and I apologize. I'll be back and ready for swinging on Monday.

More later...

I could do stuff like this all day long.

BOMBAY TV

FROM JAMWALL


Create your own subtitles for a variety of Indian action flicks!

Here's MY MOVIE.

Found at BombayTV

Remote Controlled Humans (CLICK HERE)

From Meatbag:

By remotely stimulating a person's vestibular system - the fluid-filled tubes in the inner ear that guide their sense of balance - with electrodes placed on the skin just below the ear, researchers at NTT's research laboratories in Kanagawa have found a way to turn humans into oversized radio controlled vehicles. ... The technique, known as galvanic vestibular stimulation (GVS), unbalances a person so that they automatically veer left or right in an attempt to rebalance themselves.

Cool! I want one.

It was the "face-biter" part that got my attention.