Where's My Unicorn?

The Political Gospel According to Sarah doth say:

"[Democrats] act like they're permanent residents of a unicorn ranch in fantasyland if they really think they're gonna be able to turn it around with the liberal policies they have to continue, and you know, it's pixie dust."

Unicorn ranch? Where the fuck is this? I want my goddamn pink fuzzy unicorn and I want it now!!!

What else are they holding out on us? Jetpacks? Woolly mammoth dishwashers? And they also got pixie dust?

Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! I'm quitting the secret Democratic Fantasy Party immediately if I don't get my unicorn by secret Intertube mail within one hour. One hour, you heard me. Unicorn-holding out bastards.

Who? Me? Tea Party?

Ultra-billionaire David Koch claims that he has never been involved in the "tea party" movement, never met anyone involved in, doesn't even know what tea is, apparently.

But...



Gosh, that must be an animatronic robot ghost clone monkey of David Koch presiding over a meeting of national reps from the "grassroots" Tea Party that he's never heard of.

Somebody catch that clone!

Mr. Law & Order

Check it out!



And, tomorrow, David Vitter is going to turn himself in for having illegal sex with prostitutes. He's going to bring his own rope and ask that he just be lynched right away because he can't stand for anyone who breaks the law to go unpunished!

What a guy.

Oh Noes! They Haz Brown Faces!

No, no, no - the Tea Baggers are not a bunch of sick racist bastards! Why won't anyone listen to me? Why?

Oh, that's why. Sorry. My bad.

Burn, Baby, Burn!

PROBLEM

The New Republican Vision for America: Pay-to-Play!

House burning down? Did you pay your fire bribe?

Armed robbery at your gas station? Did you pay off your local cops?

Kids want an education? Mbwahahahahahaha! What? Really? Mbwahahahaha! (Oh, you're not kidding?)

There are two visions for America - one in which the general welfare is provided for all by all of us and another in which only those who can afford it have access to...well...everything.

If Republicans and Tea Bag crazyfucktards take control of Congress next month, look for the end of America as we know it. Unless you got the cash.

SOLUTION? GET OFF YOUR ASS AND VOTE!

Feel My Pain? No Thanks

I really hate Bill Clinton. Hated him while he was President, hate him just as much now, even when he's out purportedly stumping for Obama's policies. More like stumping for his own publicity - he's an attention whore of a high degree. Hate him, yes sir, totally hate him.

Plus,  I've never understood the kind of thrall in which he holds so many, especially in the media. The other evening, Chris "Man-Crush" Matthews was drooling about Clinton and bemoaning Obama's inability to be just like Clinton, to get out and emote and slobber and lie about "feeling our pain"! I wanted to feel my fist against Matthews throat before he was done.

Obama, praise be, ain't Clinton. Let's get that straight. Obama ain't perfect, either. I'm not 100% thrilled with every policy direction Obama has taken since January of last year, but for only the second time in my life I feel like this country has a President that thinks before he acts. (Carter was the only other in and I'll always be pro-Carter, no matter how much the Right trashes him, imperfect as he too was as a President). I'll take Obama's measured, thoughtful way over Cowboy George's shoot-the-country-in-the-foot-from-his-hip approach or Clinton's smarmy Demo-Publican touchy-feely bullshit any day. And don't get me started on that bastard Reagan!!!!

Obama is also the hardest working President we've had in generations. He has accomplished an incredible number of legislative feats in the last year, even working against the Party of No. Bush didn't get as much done in eight years as Obama has in less than two, unless you take into account his plunging of the nation into a recession, squandering a trillion-dollar surplus on tax cuts for the wealthy and starting multiple endless wars as accomplishments. And Obama keeps going, despite the opposition, despite the idiocy, despite having to spend way too much of his time fixing his predecessors fuck-ups.

Dang. I didn't mean to go full-bore about Obama. Just wanted to smack Bill Clinton down when I started. Hate that bastard, really hate him.

He Just Doesn't Get It (And He's Not Getting Any Either)

Sometimes, I found the absolute and total hypocrisy of the right funny as hell. I don't yell, I laugh. Here's the perfect example - James O'Keefe, the lying piece of human garbage that destroyed ACORN with his doctored video tapes (and the complete cooperation of the traditional media and Congress), thought he'd do the same thing with CNN. This time around, his plan was to seduce and sexually blackmail a female CNN reporter who was doing a story on him and other members of the fringe right-media. But it all blew up in his face.

I don't know what to laugh at more. Is it the whole high school sophomore idea of the great seduction which involved a floating pleasure palace, sex toys, hidden cameras and more or is it O'Keefe's delusion that he was attractive enough to seduce a woman. Any woman. Anywhere. Without paying her upfront. And she'd still turn him down and leave with his money.

James O'Keefe is a sexual predator, deeply misogynistic and with an over-inflated ego that will someday yet be his downfall. Maybe this is the time. Let's hope the judge revokes his probation from his last attempt at illegal wire-tapping and B&E. Let's hope he goes behind bars. Maybe some of his sex dreams will finally come true then.