Two-and-two so far as a Redskin, this former Eagle just defeated his old team, but one question has haunted him his entire career. Is he any good? more»
Has Obama Failed To Reduce Hostility Toward Obnoxious Americans Abroad?
Sports »
Donovan McNabb
Commentary »
I'm Afraid We Will Never Win In Afghanistan Unless Central Command Gets A Pinball Machine
by Gen. James N. Mattis
Recent News »
Study: Women Always Answer Their Phones Unless They're Having Great Sex With Someone Else
Inside The Onion
Politics
-
Report: Crooked Border Guards Planting Illegal Immigrants In Cars
WASHINGTON—A federal probe revealed Friday that at least six U.S. border guards have been caught on tape attempting to boost arrests by planting illegal immigrants in cars entering the United States from Mexico.…more»
Infographic »
-
Solar Panels Going On White House
President Barack Obama announced that he was putting solar panels on the roof of the White House in order to lead by example in the drive toward renewable energy. Here is a brief history of electricity consumption at the presidential residence.…more»
Local
News in Brief »
-
Couple Discovers Shop That Sells Cakes
PORTLAND, OR—Local couple Rich and Kelly Danvers were "delighted" Monday upon discovering a small, quaint retail location in their neighborhood that sells cakes.…more»
National News Highlights »
-
NASHVILLE, TN—Daryl Johnson, 28, and Thom Murphy, 29, got into the same old argument about which city has the best pizza—Nashville or Memphis.
World
Our Dumb World »
Entertainment
-
'Stargate SG-1' Fans Disappointed To See Richard Dean Anderson Walk Onto Stage Like A Normal Person
NEW YORK—While explaining they were cognizant that no interstellar portals exist in real life, New York Comic Con attendees voiced frustrations Sunday after seeing Richard Dean Anderson, who played the character Jack O'Neill on Stargate SG-1,...…more»
-
Horoscopes »
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will be torn between two equally worthy suitors, one who is kind, selfless, outgoing, supportive, and loving, and one who is attractive.
TV Listings »
-
Why I Kicked Your Mother's Ass Out
CBS
10 p.m. EDT / 9 p.m. CST
So far it wasn't getting drunk at the boss's dinner party, the one-night stand, the second mortgage blown at the track, the backyard puppy mill, or the fake cancer scare. Maybe this week it'll finally be a charity scam.
Science & Technology
-
Study: Women Always Answer Their Phones Unless They're Having Great Sex With Someone Else
BLOOMINGTON, IN—A new study released Monday by sociologists at Indiana University found that women will always answer their telephones unless mind-blowing sex with a man other than the caller prevents them from doing so.…more»
Statshot »
…Opinion
Commentary »
-
I'm Afraid We Will Never Win In Afghanistan Unless Central Command Gets A Pinball Machine
by Gen. James N. Mattis
As anyone who has been following the news recently can attest, there is very little positive that can be said about the war in Afghanistan.…more»
Corrections »
- The recent Onion article "10 Tricks To Cure Your Insomnia" misspelled Quaalude. The Onion regrets the error.
Economy
-
Something About Tax Cuts Or Earnings Or Money Or Something In Recent Economic News
WASHINGTON—Some sort of tax cut or earnings or money or something was reported in economic news this week in further evidence that a lot of financial- related things have been going on lately.…more»
-
Wendy's To Phase Out Unpopular Hamburger Sandwich
DUBLIN, OH—"For more than 40 years, we've tried in vain to get the hamburger sandwich to catch on with our customers, but it is now clear that we're never going to make that happen," Wendy's CEO Roland Smith told reporters.…more»
Stockwatch »
-
BRCH
Brach's
$.32 $7.95 (up 3%)
