Talking Politics

Sketch: Ed Miliband's dazed triumph

Sat Sep 25 07:48PM

The Labour party dragged out its leadership election result far longer than necessary, but it didn't matter. Ed Miliband's numbed gaping was worth the wait.

By Alex Stevenson

This was the culmination of one man's career, and the end of another's. The drama was scintillatingly intense as the results were slowly revealed. At the end of each round - which finished with Ed Miliband's results, critically - the tension increased another notch. Far from being decisive, each new round of preferential voting seemed to cut the margin again and again. The exhalations became shorter and shorter as the climax approached. "Ahhs" were joined by "jeez!" and high-pitched "ooohs!" from excitable females. The deeply unglamorous chair of Labour's national executive committee ploughed on through the numbers, which only became decisive with David Miliband's fourth-round total of 49.35%. At first only sections of the hall rose to cheer the result. Eventually, coming to their senses after their shock had worn off, so did the entire party.

The victor, the new leader of the opposition, the man repeatedly hailed as the "next prime minister", did not collapse into a fit of hysterics, as reality TV stars tend to. He is a well-trained politician so he opted for the alternative X Factor response. He was shocked and stunned. He was terribly emotional. It was what the TV audience wanted, but not the hall.

If the Ed Miliband biopic is ever made (and after today, who knows what's possible?) they must film this scene in the first person, the applause and cheering muffled, like they do in war movies after big explosions. Bombshells are frequently used by politicians when referring to policies of the other parties. Ed Miliband looked as if one of them had finally blown up next to him.

And so, in Ed: The Movie, Ed Miliband will be unhearing as his brother David (who, it turns out, really was sitting next to him), hugs him and ruffles his hair. This must have seemed all too real to David, whose dreams of leadership have come unstuck in the most overwhelmingly personal fashion. Perhaps it is the sudden devaluation in his political importance which made me notice for the first time, but as I stared at the back of his head I couldn't help thinking: you've got rather big ears, haven't you?

Meanwhile, back in the triumph scene which draws act one to a close, Ed Miliband was advancing past his vanquished foes to the stage. Assuming he becomes a national war hero the editors may wish to adjust the look on his face to something more bold, more convincing, than the unfortunate truth.

A stuffed trout would have seemed more animated as Ed Miliband gawped out at his newfound followers. He tottered on to the stage, looking utterly stumped by what to do next. The applause died away as his newfound followers waited for him to speak. He stared out. Was he savouring the moment? Or was he about to expire? An audience member laughed awkwardly. Finally, the new Labour leader spoke up.

"Never in my wildest imagination did I ever dream... I would lead this party," he said. If the movie never gets made, he has the consolation of this reality TV fest to replay. On The X Factor the winner's song is always slightly teary, never quite on key. So it was with Ed Miliband's speech. He told Britain "I get it" and the party that "a new generation has taken charge of Labour" on autopilot, as the most important truth - he had bested his elder sibling - continued to swirl and swirl around. The candidates may have sneered at soap-opera politics. But when a leadership candidate says to another, "David, I love you so much as a brother," what else is it?

Comments21 - 30 of 476

Unfortunately for the UK, Labour will be in opposition for years, just at a time when we needed a strong 'threatening' opposition to hold this right wing upper class rabble properly to account. The right wing press will have a field day with Red Ed and his 'Union-vote-won' election victory. Labour frequently seem to forget they need to appeal to 'outside' the conference hall to middle England in about 100 marginal seats to actually win! Once they go down the internal-looking route, they fail the country and themselves and allow some appalling right wing government to run the place without a real mandate.Labour owe it to the country to produce a decent winner who can protect people, this time they have picked someone who will prove to be absolute gift to the Tories and leave the ordinary working people of this country with no-one to properly protect them. Nice one Labour, get used to being in Oppostion, unfortunately, you will be staying there.The Party is meant, ironically, to be progressive, but has proved itself yet again to be insular and inward looking. David Cameron must have cracked open the champers tonight! I sometimes wonder whether Labour actually wants to defeat this current Government!

From james383brown on Sat Sep 25 08:50PM
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I am Ed Miliband and I say heavy taxes to hard workers and rewards for the lazy bums who only get out their house to get their free money from the post officer.
More benefits to the people with self inflicted drinking problems!
Desregard for the gaping defecit in this country, we'll just think up of some new taxes!
I hope that I've earned your trust as I endeavour to fight the coalition and take this country into a new era of prosperity

From pessolarro on Sat Sep 25 08:50PM
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I am Ed Miliband and I say heavy taxes to hard workers and rewards for the lazy bums who only get out their house to get their free money from the post officer.
More benefits to the people with self inflicted drinking problems!
Desregard for the gaping defecit in this country, we'll just think up of some new taxes!
I hope that I've earned your trust as I endeavour to fight the coalition and take this country into a new era of prosperity

From pessolarro on Sat Sep 25 08:50PM
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Holy s**t, have I just read correctly that the author of comment 16 thinks this Ed Milliband is our best choice for prime minister because he's beautiful? And I thought I had consumed too much alcohol tonight....in that case, RACHEL RILEY FOR PM, GIGGEDY GIGGEDY, OH RIGHT! yeah you lot can laugh but I bet she would be a hell of a lot more successful at accurately calculating Britain's Deficit

From aaronjohnson84 on Sat Sep 25 08:55PM
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wodgot no 6. You know, maybe you're right on the money there, that "The person who took Ed. Miliband's photo must have been a Conservative supporter in the Media Industry". However, maybe you can help me out here; I've been reviewing some of the other pictures on yahoo news at the moment and need help interpreting the photographers motives and intentions please. eg, right alongside the picture of Ed, there's a pic of Obama in EXACTLY the same pose. I think that's particularly significant and sinister, don't you. That these celebrities are giving themselves away (or BEING MANIPULATED by journalists!!?? eh?). Peter Mullan and Connor McCarron BOTH looking to the right, Emma Watson looking left!!!, Lindsay Lohan looking straight forward - that's subtle - gives nothing away, and Jon Voight looking to the left and DOWN (is there any special significance to looking down, like is he about to defect and start looking to to the right , do you think.). When you discover the motive of the person who took Ed's pic, can you let us all know. In the meantime, perhaps you can be allowed out for a little walk to cool off and get things in perspective. Good Luck

From macbone2002 on Sat Sep 25 08:58PM
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Three cheers for that result....Liebour out for 20 years (we hope)

From nhs1uk on Sat Sep 25 08:59PM
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18 the conservatives always help those who can help themselves and to he ll with the surplus population of which i am part. if you ever have need of the nhs, remember it was a socialist who introduced the nhs.
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you know, some of you are predicting our defeat before we have even started. am telling you, ed miliband is the man who can. i am over the moon he won.

From swotty1969 on Sat Sep 25 09:00PM
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@tracyman comment 11 - sorry to disappoint you but I'm not a "thicko Daily Mail reader" as you so quaintly put it. If Labour are to stand a chance next time they need a leader who can appeal to all voters like David Milliband would. You're reaction to my comment is all that is wrong with some labour supporters at the moment - completely in denial about the disaster that was Brown's Govt. Any criticism you just put down to "Daily Mail readers" Your pathetic immature and personal remarks won't help us get into power again.

From bill.phipps on Sat Sep 25 09:08PM
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24 lol, noooo...he's our best choice for prime minister because he is honest, open and capable. we each see beauty in a different sort of face, and i see beauty in the heart and mind, with my heart and mind. ed miliband actually reminds me in character of my favourite nephew, who is always direct and honest, intelligent and sound as a pound.
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23 yeah, let's bring back the poll tax and deplete the surplus population, ie, people who don't vote tory.
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21 we won't be in opposition for years, the coalition will crumble sooner rather than later. meanwhile, labour will gain in strength like never before. ed miliband is what britain needs to restore our confidence. you'll see.

From swotty1969 on Sat Sep 25 09:13PM
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Is Ed Milliband INDIAN? looks strange like his sickly feable-looking brother.
Anyway he praises tony blair, hasn't learned anything really.
Labour is dead.

From r.hankin.t21 on Sat Sep 25 09:15PM
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