Dear Bossy: Wow, where do i start?
I am 19, Bob is 22, and Bill is 27.
Lets see… from age 13 to 19 i was with the love of my life that i am going to call Bob.
So Bob and I date, he was ovbiously my first love, the one i lost my purity to, we were soulmates. Finished each other’s sentences, knew what we were thinking before we spoke. We were inseparable. Life happened… i moved to another city in the same state to go to college. I wanted to get away from that small town, wanted to live my own life without my mother breathing down my neck. We decided we would make the long distance relationship work and we did for a few months. I would study during the day and work at night while he did not study and worked during the day. After work, all he wanted to do is sleep because he would be very tired as a construction worker.
Despite that, he would wait up til i got off work at 11:30 pm to just talk to me for a little while and wake up at the break of dawn the next day to go back to work. Bob was very nice to me, its safe to say that the guy worshipped me. I was in the highest altar...but i was lying to him. Peer pressure got to me, i accepted it and was going out to clubs, to parties and living the college life while i made Bob believe that i was sleeping or that i was studying when i was really dancing my butt off. I love Bob. I truly do. I think that i just let my immaturity and my curiosity of life lead me.
When my grandmother, who raised me, was in her death bed, everything came to a halt. School and work were put off because i was driving over to this other city where my grandmother was to see her and be with her during her last days. I knew it was coming, i told Bob it was coming, he knew that i was going to lose it and be unconsolable when my grandmother eventually passed. The day came, her funeral came, her burial came and Bob did not make it to the ceremonies because he did not have a way to get to the city where my grandma was being buried.
He lived about 3 or 4 hours away and there was NO WAY he could make it....that broke me. I borke up with him because he was not there for me at that important time in my life. I still loved him, with all my might but was too proud to accept him back because he hurt me beyond understanding. While all this was happening, and while Bob was busy working, i started talking to this guy at work. He is 7 years older than me, was not divorced, but separated from his wife at the time we started talking.
The divorce is happening as i type this, he is in court right now getting divorced and fighting for custody of his young daughter. The reason he is getting divorced is because he cheated years ago. cheating is not justifiable, but he claims he was unhappy and that is what drove him to cheat.
Since i broke up with Bob, i have been seeing this guy Bill. Bill introduced me to his family, to his daughter, to his mother, i feel very comfortable with him , i love him. ever since we started dating i told him that i wanted the divorce to be official as soon as possible, and he has worked for that to show me that he loves me, and that he wants to be with me. i see that his love is real because he has shown me that he is trying his hardest to be free from his exwife and to be with me. now...i have little doubts in my mind.
He cheated on his exwife...is he gonna cheat on me? He is gonna pay her child support...and i am gonna have to deal with him giving her his money, deal with the fact that if we stay together and have a family our children are going to be seen different and they are gonna have a step sister and his wife is never gonna be out of the picture because his daughter is gonna be here all his life....i have thought about what i used to have with Bob...a fresh relationship with minor arguments, petty problems, but no real issues like i do with Bill now.
I miss Bob, i miss how i was #1 in his life, i miss how he treated me, maybe i should not have been so harsh on him when he didnt show up to my grandmother’s funeral...? I feel like i want him back. the only thing is that he knows that i am with Bill now...he called me about a month ago very early in the morning, i was with Bill, we had just woke up, when Bob called. Bill said he wanted to hear me tell Bob that i didnt love him , that i was with someone else, so basically i went off on Bob, and said hurtful things, to make Bill happy and so Bill would know that i didnt want Bob back...but deep down inside i was not sure....i am still not sure.
Last week i asked Bob if he would consider talking about what happened ...because i truly feel that he will give me a better life than Bill willl because, even if im happy with Bill, there are issues throught the relationship that are not going to ever go away. Bob says i hurt him beyond repair, that i was very hurtful, and that it is going to be hard for him to forget that i was with someone else that soon after we broke up.
I dont want to hurt Bill, i feel he needs me more than ever now that he is fighting for his daughter and he is going through a very hard time. on the other hand, i want to fix things with Bob, but i dont know if it will ever be the same if we were to get back together...i dont know if we can pick up right where we left off...i am so confused. please guide me in what i should do?
Do I leave bill and go back to bob, or do i stay with bill...or do i just stay away from men altogether because i always hurt them somehow...?
Bossy says: Choose the last option. Think of it as a contribution to the Make-Australian-Men-Happier campaign.
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IF THEY DON’T IT TO YOU THEY WILL DO IT WITH YOU.
You’re 19, why are you getting with older men?
If he’s already cheated on a woman, move away, run, go very far away. These men are as bad as each other. Nobody has the right to cheat. It’s the pinnacle of betrayal.
RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN.
Find a nice man. You’re my age, why must you get with these older predators who have no respect for you??
Fri 27 Aug 10 (08:06am)
Fri 27 Aug 10 (09:57am)
“NOBODY has the right to cheat.”
No, I think if you talk to any lawyer in Australia, you will find EVERYBODY has the right to cheat. Thank god for human rights.
Fri 27 Aug 10 (10:12am)
Wow! I should proofread.
What I was meant to say is if they do it with you, they will do it to you. Meaning don’t ever date someone who has been unfaithful.
Admittedly I haven’t ever been in a relationship, but, I do know trust is very important.
You’re having doubts about this man already, that isn’t a good sign for trust now is it?
I would dump this guy. He might be nice, but you said yourself, you’re a naive and immature dweeb.
You’re 19. You don’t need another man’s children in your life. Snap out of dating older men too. Go find someone your own age.
Hey, I have another one for you though.. You’re a egotistical, self centered bitch. You broke up with the man you were in love with because he couldn’t attend your grandmothers funeral when it was four hours away. GROW UP MISSY. This world isn’t about you or your needs.
Seriously, are you going to get a fucking divorce because your husband couldn’t make it to X,Y,Z because he was X amount of hours away working to provide you money? You make me sick.
YOU ARE THE REASON WHY I HATE NOT ONLY MY GENERATION, BUT SOCIETY IN GENERAL. The sad thing is there are women just like you in their 30’s and 40’s.
I bet that you know the answer to this question already, you only posted this to confirm the point and to give you the attention that you desperately seek, hence you date men older than you that ’worship‘ you.
Now the answer that you already know, what is it? You like Bob, you crave Bob, you can’t stop thinking about when you lost your purity to Bob. You regret breaking up with Rob, but you let your emotions get the better of you and do stupid things, don’t you? Now poor ‘ole Bill is just the rebound guy who you think you’re in love with, but it’s just really infatuation. I bet once Bill’s divorce papers are finalized you wont even want him, will you?
You know absolute nothing about love. NOTHING.
I’ll say it again. You make me sick. I am infuriated writing this, good one. There are so many things that I want to do to you, many of which are too obscene to air here.. Let me keep it simple, see below:
A: Please never procreate.
B: Please never date again. :lol
C: Please never ever troll me again. I know you’re a troll. You posted this message so I would get angry, didn’t you?
D: Please be a troll. Surely women aren’t like this
E: I think I’ve discovered that I might be a closet misogynist thanks to you.
Fri 27 Aug 10 (10:21am)
mate, what’s with the predator crack? He’s 27 for fuck’s sake, he’s still a baby too.
As for you, does your mum know you’re out playing with grown ups?
Fri 27 Aug 10 (10:37am)
Hehehe, rights we have, rights we don’t have… makes me think of George.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hWiBt-pqp0E&feature=related
Fri 27 Aug 10 (10:47am)
Dude. Calm down!!
Before you go on an extended tirade about her follies and her generation, mate you’re one of them too!! And the way you’ve been going on about it,first the milder post, then the crazy psycho post, proves a case in point!!
relax and go wank off to some cougar porn!
OP- you’re a moron.
Fri 27 Aug 10 (10:48am)
CTT actually has a great idea. OP go out with him and drag him back to your country town with preferably no internet access or net capable phone access!
Wow… you’re a bitch. I don’t have any advice for you, and quite frankly I hope Bill DOES cheat on you.
Poor Bob.
Fri 27 Aug 10 (08:10am)
OP, I’m tired and you’re a drama queen.
Go Bossy you rock!
Fri 27 Aug 10 (08:10am)
.. wow bossy that was pretty harsh.
i agree though.
Fri 27 Aug 10 (08:11am)
Why don’t you go on Farmer Wants a Wife?
When it doesn’t work out with Farmer Number one (the sensitive farmer) go and sleep with Farmer Number 2 (the larrikan farmer).
Make sure you then sleep with farmer number 3 (the new age farmer) but do leave him and go back to your boyfriend who has also boned farmer one - the tasmanian farmer.
That’s what most 19 year olds are doing. Do also continually speak about how you are old enough to settle down and how you want to get married.
Fri 27 Aug 10 (08:12am)
Fri 27 Aug 10 (10:37am)
Hells, bells and buckets of cow manure Quix. I think you’ve nailed it.
Go back to BOB!!
He sounds nice, and sweet and caring. When you grow up a bit you will realise certain things about Bob and Bill that you dont see now. As for the death of your grandmother (sorry)People have commitments, and the reality is you cant take a few days off work for the sake of your girlfriend. Also, you should be able to handle it yourself maturely and deal with it, dont go blaming BOB for not being there.
ALSO if you want to go out partying and dancing, thats totally fine… as long as your not sleeping around. Harmless flirting is a great boost to your self esteem, but remember the heart back home that is waiting for you (whether or not he is).
Fri 27 Aug 10 (08:13am)
You should get yourself steralised first. Second, I agree with Bossy, stay away from men and realtionships for at least a year or two until you grow up and work out who you are, not how you can leech onto the next guy.
Fri 27 Aug 10 (08:19am)
Go with Bossy’s advice. Best advice ever!!
Any relationship had between the age of 12 to 25 doesn’t count in my books and there is no way they are the “love of your life” between 13 and 19 as you mention.
One day you will look back at this and realise how stupid you were. Hopefully you will be able to laugh at it.
Good luck.
Fri 27 Aug 10 (08:19am)
Hehe what Bossy said!
No, seriously, grow the fuck up and deal with the consequences of being a drama queen and making rash decisions. There are worse things in life that not showing up to a funeral. You said so yourself that there was quote, NO WAY, unquote, that he could make it, yet you still expected the world from him.
Fri 27 Aug 10 (08:20am)
AbsoFUCKINGlutely bossy. Advice spot on. So if I’m reading right, did the OP lose her ‘purity’ to bob at 13? The OP has the IQ of a pug, but not quite the IQ of a fruitcake.
And I hate people who finish each others sentences. hate.
I hope this helps.
Fri 27 Aug 10 (08:21am)
Fri 27 Aug 10 (10:15am)
Thats an insult to Pugs everywhere..
Fri 27 Aug 10 (10:18am)
Haha love it
Date Matt Newton. You’ll get whats coming to you.
Fri 27 Aug 10 (08:24am)
Fri 27 Aug 10 (10:24am)
Better than Bossy’s reply.
Fri 27 Aug 10 (10:28am)
He he .. and so will he!!
Jesus Wept!
What sort of shit goes on in your head on a bad day? I’m surprised you haven’t twisted it right off.
You’ve burnt your bridges with Bobby, you were a bitch and treated him terribly, yet in your tiny teenage mind you think you can smile and everything will be ok if you go and jump his bones. WRONG.
As for Billy, yes, he will have to pay child support, it’;s his moral and legal obligation to do so. So shut up about it and accept that it has to happen.
What’s wrong with having a half or step sibling? I’ve got a stack of them and they’re all great people. you seem to think that there’s something dirty about having a half brother.
So what is the bottom line?
Go live in a cave. There aren’t enough good guys as it is without you screwing them over. You don’t deserve one.
Fri 27 Aug 10 (08:26am)
Fri 27 Aug 10 (09:54am)
‘Jesus Wept’
I love that expression.
Fri 27 Aug 10 (10:40am)
hahaha, thats awsome, b=ggod advice Shane…
good call bossey…
Fri 27 Aug 10 (08:26am)
This story & Bossy’s answer just made my day.
Happy Friday!!
Fri 27 Aug 10 (08:27am)
Bossy, YOU ROCK!!!
That’s the best answer ever!
Fri 27 Aug 10 (08:30am)
What you really want is to have your cake and eat it too. You have two lovely men who you’re jumping between, trying to decide who is the ‘best’ choice. What I see is a fair amount of selfishness here. You have problems with a man paying *child support*? You miss being #1 in Bob’s life? I’m not sure why he seems to miss you, seeing as you’re pretty much #1 in your own life.
I don’t know how old you are, but you sound very young no matter your age in years. I think what you really need is to grow up. So yeah, maybe staying away from men for a while to have a think about your life and the person you want to be would be a good idea. First step is to recognise how you see the world and why you’re just a wee bit selfish…
Fri 27 Aug 10 (08:31am)
Fri 27 Aug 10 (10:05am)
But maybe the OP likes cake!
Totally agree with your statement about the OP being #1 in her own life. She needs to mature and grow up, and as Bossy and everyone else has suggested - don’t date anyone for a year and go live in a cave.
p.s. The Bat cave is already taken.
OP,
You’re another example of why women under 25 are good to lay on, but no good to go out with.
Your body might be supple and mature, but your mind is a vaccuum and your emotions are a gaggle of insecurity, selfishness and disbelief at the unfairness of life.
‘Why is it happening to me...’
Because you want it to, because everything is so much more dramatic for women.
I’d suggest you get a couple of tattoos, Bob on your left arm, Bill on the right, so you can remember the good times.
I like women younger than 25, they’re so, like wow, wipeout…
Fri 27 Aug 10 (08:31am)
Fri 27 Aug 10 (10:42am)
Lol, it’s funny because its true. Some women (definitely not the majority thankfully) just like destructive drama in their lives and selfishly don’t care how it affects others. You always manage to tell it how it is Ironmike even if it irritates people’s delicate sensitivities.
OP, Stay away from Bob. He doesn’t need any more issues before he learns how to treat women like you with the respect you deserve.
For women: This is a textbook case of how men get ‘ruined’. No one’s fault in so much as 19yo’s have no idea how they affect others and 22yo blokes aren’t great at classifying this behaviour and taking appropriate action.
Spread your love around, wide and far, dont fear recriminations, men need you in their lives, please do not deny them that.
Fri 27 Aug 10 (08:31am)
I love Bossy’s short responses! Harsh but fair.
Fri 27 Aug 10 (08:33am)
Best. Bossy. Response. Ever.
Fri 27 Aug 10 (08:34am)