Kate de Brito
Monday, August 23, 2010 at 08:05am
Dear Bossy: I have recently been presented with somewhat of a horrible situation to do with a friend I have had since we were about 5 we are now in our early 20’s. We have had issues with our friendship before that I’m sure is common when a female and a male develop a close bond from such an early age but whatever has happened we have always come out of it with an even stronger friendship. However what has happened recently is not so much something that affects our friendship but is a problem I simply don’t feel qualified to help him with, he came to my house one night after being kind of distant for about a week I could tell he was upsett and it took him ages to finally get it out. He told me the reason he had never really been attracted to me (or any other girls for that matter) is because he believes he may be attracted to children, that he finds himself staring at young girls, as in little girls not teenagers, and sometimes their image will still be with him for ages later.
As you can imagine this was somewhat of a shock, if anything I thought he was going to tell me he is gay, after confessing this he started crying and it was obvious he was in some serious turmoil and all I could do was sit there saying nothing. I eventually managed to get out the question I really didn’t want to know the answer to of if he had acted on any of these feelings and he said no. After talking for some time I’m sure he is telling the truth about that, it also explains why he doesn’t have an internet connection at home as he said it was to remove temptation from even looking at that kind of thing. People will probably wonder how I could have missed something like this in my best friend of over 15 years but as I mentioned before I always thought some of the things about him that may have seemed kind of odd were due to him possibly being gay and he just wasn’t ready to confront that yet.
He is now avoiding me and i’m afraid he regrets telling me, I mentioned that he should see someone professionaly about it but he is scared that by even just having these feelings even though he has assured me he would never act on them he is commiting an offense, some clarification around that would be helpful. I don’t even know how to feel about this myself, given that this is such an emotive topic people I’m sure will be quick to tell me that I should remove him from my life altogether but he may as well be like a brother to me now and if the only person he has ever told about this abandons him won’t that just make things worse? Or possibly even cause him to start behaving in a self destructive manner that could possibly even lead to this becoming a serious problem? Technically he hasn’t even done anything wrong and if it only stays in his head the only person being hurt is himself, what advice can I give him about where he can get some help and how do I even broach this with him now that he is making it difficult for me to speak to him. For the most part I think I have handled this whole thing badly and feel sick that I could lose my best friend because of it. Please help me.
Bossy says: You are under no obligation to help your friend. But if you could see your way forward to having another conversation with him, you may very well be helping others too.
We covered this topic early last year and many of the things I said then remain the same.
Firstly that while it is absolutely essential to disapprove of sexual attraction towards children, when our reaction is simply to push these people away, we often push them away from the help they need and the help that can ultimately protect children.
.
I get that it’s hard to have sympathy for people who feel as your friend does but it would help if you told your friend he will not be reported for seeking help. He has not committed a crime by thinking these thoughts. The only “crime” would be not seeking help.
I understand too that he is working hard to control his own urges but they are clearly having an emotional toll. Not only that, while he has taken actions such as getting rid of his home internet connection to control this problem, there can be times when despite our best efforts our control evaporate. Stressful times in our lives, alcohol or drug use and even sickness can undermine our efforts to stay away from negative influences and urges.
Last year I spoke to therapists who specialise in this area and they said it is a good sign when people like your friend are aware these thoughts are problematic.
It can take courage to seek help. It means facing one of our biggest stigmas. But your friend needs to ask himself what would offer the greatest protection to children he comes into contact with? Staying silent? Or seeking help?
I am attaching a link to the NSW Commission for Children and Young People which has a list of people accredited to deal with child sexual offenders. If you live in a different state or territory you can still call the people on this list and ask for referrals in your area. Some are part of government or community groups, others are in private practice so it may take a few calls and some patience to get what you need.
I am also giving you a link to ANZATSA or the Australian New Zealand Association for Treatment of Sexual Abuse who may be able to provide you with a referral in your state or territory.
Tell him not be afraid to call. These people are trained in this area. They are not naive or easily shocked. He can just call one or two, leave a message with his first name and a contact number and ask for a return call. They are professionals and will offer help.
There is not one way to approach him. Just talk to him and tell him do care but have found this confronting personally. Then say you think it is important he gets some support, not just for himself but as a way of ensuring the protection of children he may know.
Feel free to write again.
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116 Comments
What that guy did was extremely brave. You should not desert him as hard as that may be. The thing is that while now it just stays in his head, what if that the urge continues to build and he does offend when in the “right” situation? What are you going to do in the future if you see him in a relationship with a woman that has children or he has his own? He needs help desperately.
Mon 23 Aug 10 (08:13am)
Mon 23 Aug 10 (10:22am)
I agree, its a very very brave thing to admit.
OP talk to him, tell him you will help him and that your his friend and your not judging him, he needs it and is asking it of you. Dont turn your back on him. You have to help him.
Mon 23 Aug 10 (10:56am)
I agree. The guy is very brave to divulge this.
Unfortunately for you OP, there is now a responsibility on your shoulders to encourage him to get help. I know you didn’t ask for it, but there it is. Taking action now will help both of you avoid something tragic in the future. You would hate to be aware of knowing that he did something and you could have helped him to avoid it.
He is ultimately responsible for his actions but if I was in your shoes I would want to keep my conscience clear by doing what I could here and now.
Good Luck.
Mon 23 Aug 10 (11:41am)
This is was irks me about pedophilia. There is no preventative treatment.
Society frowns upon those sexually attracted to children, views them as people who should be jailed, killed etc.
But it has only become hidden and a dark fetish because there is no support programs in place to recognise it is a mental issue that has deep seeded problems, and ways of preventing it.
But, because society hears the word, pedophile, they want to hang draw and quarter them. This pushes the subject further into secrecy and hides their niche into online chats, pictures etc. This then becomes the issue - because it is here that a mental state will form the future of the issue. One of two things will happen, they will be happy with the things they do online without approaching a child - or they will take it to the next level and do something illegal.
Having a way of preventing this is done firstly through acceptance without judgment. You must accept your friends confession, but then move on, don’t judge. Frankly it is illegal, that is the only implication you can instill into him. Then, talk about going to a GP first, get them to open up about this. They will most definitely refer them to a psychiatrist for further treatment. This is then when most problems of a mental/sexual state can be resolved.
Mon 23 Aug 10 (02:12pm)
Yes, it is illegal, but that is the thing that is least likely to inspire him to keep himself on the straight and narrow. Speeding is illegal, but many people secretly do it because there is a broad base of people who think it’s “not so bad” or they’re good enough drivers to be able to cope with the extra speed, or any number of other excuses.
The thing that has the best chance of keeping him in check is the knowledge of the enormous suffering of his potential victims. He needs to remember that these children are people and every single time something bad happens, these people become damaged and traumatised.
If you can see your way to sticking by him and doing what you can to help, he is probably in the strongest place to be able to start on some kind of recovery.
By the time someone starts reaching out for help like he has just done, they are already in serious trouble emotionally and very unstable. If you push him away, he will continue to search for someone he can share this trauma with. If he stumbles upon a chat room with a bunch of other people who feel similar urges, but perhaps don’t share his horror of them, there is a strong possibility that he might develop a sense that “it’s not that bad” because his new friends do it too.
It’s your typical good-girl-gone-bad scenario - a nice girl falls into a “rough crowd” and, while she starts off having strong feelings against doing drugs, she is constantly surrounded by people who don’t share those feelings and slowly encourage her to change her views. She tries a little weed, a little more, and before you know it, she’s a crackhead.
Your friend needs to have someone to talk to who can continue to reaffirm that his feelings are not okay. He needs to not get so desperate for company and understanding that he wanders into a chatroom full of child sex offenders, where they might slowly build an idea in his head that “it’s not so bad” and he starts a progressive climb up the scale of bad things.
Good on you for being so open to sticking with him and helping him. He put a huge burden on you and you are a very big person to accept that burden and do what you can with it. But you also need to take care of yourself. Set yourself some clear rules before you jump into this big muddy pond. Think about some scenarios. If the worst happens and he starts to fall into negative behaviour patterns, at what point will enough be enough? At what point will you be calling the Police? If you find that your own emotional state starts to suffer and you start sliding into a cycle of depression or anxiety, what will you do? Go into this support role with your eyes open. If you decide to go ahead and be a support for him, you must be ready to look after your own health.
Lastly, you can’t be his entire support system. Use Bossy’s links. He needs professional help. He needs counselling and support from someone who understands his thought patterns and can help him build strong mental fortifications to protect himself and his potential victims. Don’t let him pull the “I’ll make it on my own, especially if you’re here to help me” line. That puts too much of a burden on you and it does not help him to put those mental strategies in place. He needs help. Help, help, help.
Once again, you are a very strong person for doing your best to support your friend through this. Remember, no matter how horrible it is for you, it’s 1000 times more horrible for him.
Mon 23 Aug 10 (10:10pm)
But are pedophiles really genuinely attracted to children or are children simply a more easily accessible substitute to a grown woman?
I’m not going to lie to you.. I would personally cut this sicko out of your life. He has a problem, yes. However, it isn’t going to get better, ever, PERIOD!
He very well might be able to control himself for a long time, but eventually he’s going to “break” and either have child pornography or actually molest a child. 
I would be very careful around this man. Please cut contact with him, otherwise you’re in for a lifetime of hurt. What if he done something with one of your children? How would you feel?
I’d recommend him seeing a psychiatrist, and then a psychologist, but, the fact is these people are incurable. They just have to repress the ‘urges’.. However, a lot of the time they will snap, eventually.
Mon 23 Aug 10 (08:16am)
Mon 23 Aug 10 (10:18am)
Oh eff off Captain Truth Teller. You are a stain on this blog.
Mon 23 Aug 10 (10:46am)
Oh very sage advise. But look, she wasn’t asking about you.
Mon 23 Aug 10 (10:54am)
Yes, beacause of course, and 18 year old would know all about whether “these people” are uncurable, haha, good one mctooliest tool…
Mon 23 Aug 10 (11:01am)
How insightful your small mind is in helping the OP.
OP, this is a friend going through a rough time and needs all the support he can get. Now is not the time to turn your back, but be supportive, research groups yourself if needed and be there for when he needs you. Until he actually gives in to his impulses he has not done anything wrong.
Mon 23 Aug 10 (11:34am)
And how does cutting him out of their life help anyone? Not supporting him, not helping in his treatment means he will eventually fail. Helping gives the opportunity for things to get better. That he told them means they can take the necessary precautions with the kids.
I’m no advocate of pedophiles/child molestors, I think they’re worse than scum and that there is no greater unnatural urge than to want to have sex with a child. However this friend is trying to find a way to fix this problem that he believes he has.
He also hasn’t acted yet. I see molestors like dogs. The ability and the urge to bite is in all dogs, but it can be trained out of them. A dog that bites someone has the taste for it and can never be trusted again. At the moment he can be trained.
OP, while it is ultimately your choice, if it were me I’d like to think I’d have the fortitude to get this friend help. It’s possible he might never be cured, but if he could be you would be saving him and the children around him from a terrible fate.
Mon 23 Aug 10 (11:36am)
You were off to such a good start when you pointed out the distinction between pedophile and child molester. Then it all went downhill.
The poor bastard. I wonder how many other people like that suffer in silence for years because they are too scared to say anything in a society where, when it comes to this issue, thoughts are judged to be as bad as actions. And I also wonder whether there would be a lot less children being molested if we actually offered tolerance and help for people that feel these desires and don’t want to act on them.
Clearly at this stage this guy can’t help his desires and he’s doing everything he can to contain them. CTT got one thing right - he will snap eventually...but only if he doesn’t get help. Often with issues like this the right sort of therapist can help (providing the person is motivated to change and it looks like he is). Please show him some compassion, talk to him and help him. No matter how disgusted you might feel this man is your friend, he has done nothing wrong (yet) and with help you might be saving a child from an awful, awful life-wrecking trauma.
Mon 23 Aug 10 (11:39am)
lol Chunks I was thinking the same thing!
Mon 23 Aug 10 (12:03pm)
You are so full of shit Capt. no-nothing.
The LAST thing either of them need now is for her to cut him off! He needs her full support to help him through. This is why he came forward to her in the 1st place, to be helped not judged and discarded like you advocate. I’m glad you’re not my friend!
With help, both personal and professional, he wil get through this.
So just ignore Capt. Crap and his ilk and get back in touch with him ASAP and reaffirm to him that you don’t judge him and you’re there to help!!
Mon 23 Aug 10 (12:09pm)
Anyone who uses that many smiley faces in a response instantly loses any credibility they may have had.
Mon 23 Aug 10 (12:18pm)
Yes just shove the problem aside and hope it goes away. You are such an idiot… and you should probably seek help.
(Insert emoticon that indicates CTT is a world champion knob head.)
Mon 23 Aug 10 (12:44pm)
Captainh Truth Teller should have been shoot into the sheets!
Mon 23 Aug 10 (12:55pm)
I thought all the nuffies lived in Epping and that Mill Park was such a nice place. Thank god I decided to live in Bundoora.
Mon 23 Aug 10 (01:42pm)
Would you mind posting links to the peer reviewed psychology journals that support this “fact” of yours?
Especially since many studies (such as [url=http://informahealthcare.com/doi/abs/10.3109/00048679809062724]Glaser, B., “Psychiatry and paedophilia: A major public health issue”, Australian and New Zealand Journal of Psychiatry
1998, Vol. 32, No. 2, Pages 162-167[/url) concluded that “Psychiatrists have an important role to play in assessment and treatment of both offenders and victims, although they may have to learn new clinical skills. Their preventative role is also important” (emphasis added)
Mon 23 Aug 10 (03:14pm)
There is one form of treatment, its just not a good one. Chemical or real castration. Chemical is probably the better option, but for the hardcore they can go real. Of course it has unpleasant long lasting side effects like weight gain, loss of muscle mass, lower life expectancy etc, but its probably better than spending 10 years in jail and a life of misery.
Not suggesting it, just putting it out there is all.
Mon 23 Aug 10 (07:41pm)
Cap’n, that many emoticons doesn’t make me think particularly well of your cognitive ability.
Nor does the rest of your comment. While you are correct that pedophile and child molester are not the same thing, it’s attitudes like the rest of your comment that contribute to child molestation. Only when people can ask for help without condemnation, will there be a real chance of reducing it.
What you are recommending, is useless and harmful. For someone to be able to defeat these urges, they need a strong support system, that say, includes someone who’s been a massive part of their life for 15 years.
He clearly wants to eliminate those attractions from his life, which is a great starting point. Reaching out to a friend, was another good step, which should be followed by seeking professional help. As he has not acted on these attractions, he has not done anything wrong. A psychologist can help him understand why he feels this way.
It is very clear that you have no idea what you’re talking about. God help the people you know, because clearly you won’t.
Also, OP, good on you for not staying silent on your worries. If more people sought advice on these issues, and acted on it, the world would be a much better place.
Mon 23 Aug 10 (08:36pm)
People like you Captain-whatever-you-think-you-are make my blood boil. I actually enjoyed reading Ask Bossy until you start ruining it with your I-know-it-all rants.
Tue 24 Aug 10 (09:36am)
captain for every emotive comment you make there will always be ten people ready and waiting to shut you down. all throughout the ages it has happened.
In africa at the beginning of man, one man pulled some bark off a tree and made a mask. Others were soon to follow, but one guy, pulled the bark off all the trees and made many crappy masks and whilst sidetracked by doing this he got eaten by a lion.
Moral is, there have been men who are tools all throughout the ages. You are the tool of our present time.
Sincerely
People who like little kids are sick. I’m sure he has not acted on his urges but simply put there are few options for this bloke other than suicide or castration. If he is half the decent person you say he is he will do this voluntarilly. If he cannot be trusted to do this himself you know what you must do.
People who like little kids aren’t as bad as gays or whatever who can stick to there own kind. I hardly think the greens voters will be pushing for a bill for adults to marry little children. But then again I wouldn’t be supprised.
Sorry for the bad news OP I hope this helps.
Mon 23 Aug 10 (08:19am)
Mon 23 Aug 10 (10:55am)
“you know what you must do.”
?? what ?? She has no idea what she must do. That’s why she’s asking Bossy. Are you suggesting she should take matters into her own hands?
People aren’t bad because they prefer to be straight or gay. This is a personal preference that shouldn’t be judged. Similar to choosing coke over pepsi.
However, to be involuntarily turned on by little children is an illness. And it is bad if it impacts society (ie he acts on his urges).
OP, you are in a difficult situation. We would all like you to help him (if only for selfish reasons, so that we can all feel a bit safer). If you feel you can’t help your best friend, then this is your call and totally understandable as well.
Mon 23 Aug 10 (11:40am)
Something I feel very strongly about is how hard it is for people who have these urges to get help before they act on them.
Your way of putting it is indeed simple potatoes . . . but I would say it’s simple in the same way that witch burnings were. This man has not even had therapy to try and deal with this issue yet and you are talking about death or castration?
He may have an illness but I think YOU are the one who needs to be put down.
OP: Get him alone, talk to him . . . he NEEDS help even if he feels like he can’t face the judgment, let him know that you will be supportive of him. The help you give him isn’t just for him, it’s for any potential victims out there.
Mon 23 Aug 10 (12:07pm)
Are you seriously comparing pedophilia to homosexuality?
I think you also need help.
Mon 23 Aug 10 (01:07pm)
People who like little kids aren’t as bad as gays or whatever who can stick to there own kind.
Wow, that is a horrifyingly disgusting statement. To put gay people in the same sentence as pedophiles is so offensive. Consenual sex and love between two adults is anybodies right, but having sex with children is a completely different end of the spectrum. Its rape, and its abuse. Then to say that the Greens would support something like this, just shows what a hateful, close minded person you are.
I still find it disgusting that in this day and age, people still have the same hateful attitude that you are showing.
Mon 23 Aug 10 (02:10pm)
Castration has been shown to be ineffective towards paedophiles and sex offenders on many occasions. I think that this is a very compelling piece of evidence to suggest that a psychological issue, and not some sick fetish is at play here.
OP, your friend needs help, the least you can do is offer the information that Bossy has provided - this is a serious issue and you should at least try to assist him in getting the help he needs and deserves. You will not only be helping him; think of the potential repercussions if nothing is done.
I wish you all the best.
Mon 23 Aug 10 (03:30pm)
Not that we needed it, but thanks for the proof you’re a wanker..
Mon 23 Aug 10 (06:52pm)
You are incredibly immature ‘people who like little kids are sick’ - they can’t help it. It’s a sexual attraction that’s just like being straight, gay, etc.
The fact you also managed to insult the Greens by saying they would push for a bill allowing this shows your deep stupidity. Grow up and talk about things like a reasonable human being.
By the way ‘you know what you have to do?’ Are you suggesting she castrates him herself? Are you so beyond stupid that you think ‘witches’ still deserve being burned at the stake?
God I really can’t believe that in an educated, western society like Australia, people can still think as dumb as you, for your sake, I hope you’re young so you have a lot of maturing left to do. If you are older than lets say, 21, for shame.
Mon 23 Aug 10 (08:08pm)
i am going to try and remain calm while i reply to this.
my best friend is gay.
my aunty is gay.
my sister is gay.
they all have partners that they would marry in a heartbeat if they legally could. they are upstanding members of their community. in fact one works in a primary school.
if you can actually compare people who molest and rape and abuse child in this way, in any way, with people who are gay then you my friend are a small minded individual who needs to consider castration in order not to pass on your woefully ignorant and offensive opinions to the next generation of Australians
This beggars belief! You had an opportunity to fix this situation once and for all and save a thousand kids a lot of future pain and suffering.
Gun-Bullet-Aim-Shoot-hide the body.
Mon 23 Aug 10 (08:36am)
Mon 23 Aug 10 (10:19am)
Wanker.
He hasn’t committed an offence, and it must have taken some guts to admit his preferences to anyone.
She has a duty as a friend (that Aussie MAteship thing) to stand by him without judgement because he’s essentiially asked for help.
The guy hasn’t done anything wrong, what are you? The thought police? Pull your head in.
Mon 23 Aug 10 (12:19pm)
Piss off Shane! go join a socialist party somewhere. Just like Dennis Ferguson, never did anything wrong when he had his first thoughts..It’s idiots like you Shaney boy that let these sickos get away with it.
Mon 23 Aug 10 (01:25pm)
Thought police, now that’s a scary idea!
I agree with Shane, the friend deserves and needs someone who will attempt to help them without judging too harshly.
Op you need to try and convince your friend to get professional help. I really feel for you and your friend, what a horrible issue to have to deal with.
Good luck
Mon 23 Aug 10 (02:27pm)
I must confess I have a similar problem to this guy - I often have unnatural, almost uncontrolable urges to beat the hell out of stupid people like you. So far I’ve restrained myself, but my resolve is failing quite quickly..
Studies have shown that there are MANY MANY people out there with ‘unnatural’ urges like those experienced by the guy in question. Far more than anybody would ever think, something like 2-3% of the population. Most simply hide their ‘secret’ away, even from themselves, and refuse to face it. For some it is successful, and they lead good lives, for others it eats away at them and they end up either offending or killing themselves from shame. It takes true guts to come out and admit to somebody else that you have a problem and seek help - these people are the LEAST likely to offend since they know what they feel is wrong.
Why is it that society has an ‘everybody is to blame but me’ culture for almost everything except when it relates to sexual activity? It’s McDonalds fault that you’re fat, since you cannot walk past one without gorging yourself on a quarter pounder and large fries, yet if somebody has a strange sexual fetish (no doubt brought about by childhood experiences, as most are), it’s their own fault and they are sick. Another interesting result is that those who are the most intolerant and outspoken against ‘sexual deviants’ and such are far more likely to have the same urges themselves.
Everybody has flaws, everybody has urges that aren’t socially acceptable - it’s how you deal with them that shows true character. For an obese person, it’s resisting the urge to stuff more food down their throat, for the unfortunate man discussed here, it’s resisting his own body chemistry.
Mon 23 Aug 10 (04:26pm)
“I must confess I have a similar problem to this guy - I often have unnatural, almost uncontrolable urges to beat the hell out of stupid people like you”
While you’re at it Andy give yourself a stiff uppercut, comparing child molestation (even thinking of it) to obesity or anything near it, sheesh it is peeps or perverts like you that are the wrong in this world.
Fruitcake Fridays and Fekwit Mondays.
Mon 23 Aug 10 (08:49pm)
Still laughing at the very idea that someone called Shane a Socialist. Bwahahahahahahahhaha!
And nice comment Andrew. I occasionally have those urges as well.
Your friend is incredibly brave for divulging this. He has acknowledged these unnatural urges, and is obviously very ashamed of himself. He is ill, and needs help. Be a good friend and support him through this. Many mental illnesses and addictions are treatable through cognitive behavioural therapy.
Mon 23 Aug 10 (08:38am)
Mon 23 Aug 10 (03:42pm)
I honestly dont understand attractions to kids, i just dont understand it.. i guess we’re not supposed to ?
This may sound bad or that im trying to make fun but. Maybe he needs to be shown alternatives ?
would a night with a nasty hooker possibly help him ?
He might have issues with paying for sex, or screwing hookers but weighing up against topping himself or castration as others have mentioned isnt this the first step to try?
Firstly, sureyl he has to be a virgin to “never be interested in girls” and “i thought he was gay” so .. he doesnt know what hes missing out on and in the mindset he’s still a child no wonder he thinks about children when he thinks of himself as one too.
Get him some “STRANGE” and see if it kicks him into adulthood and he realises he wants more “STRANGE” like normal freakshow men.
Its one thing to write into bossy , its another completely to be written about .. to bossy..
Seriously, get some strange, Wait, you get into him yourself ? safer ? , Cleaner ? , more respectable ? but thats your call.
Mon 23 Aug 10 (09:14pm)
@BroG - I don’t get it either but I’m pretty sure that a night with a nasty hooker wouldn’t make me gay so I doubt it would cure pedophilia for this guy. Sexual attractions go deeper than that and he really needs professional help.
Please take Bossy’s advice. Talk to your friend gently and kindly but try to emphasise the importance and safety of getting help from the right people.
If he tries to beat this on his own and fails then he will have ruined his own and others lives forever. Professional help is essential.
Good luck. What a horrible position to be in.
Mon 23 Aug 10 (08:40am)
Hi Op,
Please be brave and give him all the help and support you can, to GET HELP through this. He knows it’s not good. And it isn’t his fault, despite what the lynch mob might say, he’s no mongrel unless he acts on it, which he knows is wrong. He’s taking big steps to stop himself from even thinking about it. But he does need help. Right now he’s a mixed up guy with urges that conflict with his morals.
Stick with your mate while he fights this weird thing that came up in his psyche. Judging him or pushing him away can cause problems - push this underground, make him resentful and anti-society, etc....this can only exacerbate the problem. As Bossy mentioned, you are not obliged to help at all, especially not to really get in there, get your hands dirty, but if you can’t (not a bad thing if you can’t) at least a few words of support before you let it go would be good - something that lets him know that help is out there for him, and that you will still be his mate when he comes out on the other side. Pass on bossy’s links. Give him hope and something with which to help himself. Good luck…
Mon 23 Aug 10 (08:40am)
OP,
I believe you are compelled to help. He trusted you enough to confess, which is a cry for help. Surely there isn’t many people you can talk to about being a Paedophile - he chose you.
Do some research about therapy and go and see him. Don’t try and make contact by phone.
If you’re as close as you suggest, he might pay attention. If you promise to support him, he might feel encouraged to enter therapy.
Years ago one of my mates was acting strangely. After a month or so, I confronted him, told him I was on suicide watch, and no matter what he told me, nothing would shock me.
We went though his issues one night during many beers. Next day he thanked me for helping.
Point is, when you think or know there is a major problem, sometimes you’ve got to impose yourself on your friends.
Mon 23 Aug 10 (08:53am)
Mon 23 Aug 10 (11:51am)
Nice IronMike.
OP: my advice is ‘what he said’.
And well done to your friend for seeking help BEFORE he acted on those thoughts…
Mon 23 Aug 10 (12:32pm)
Good advice IM, you sound like a good friend.
Mon 23 Aug 10 (03:52pm)
I’m with you all the way, ironmike.
Good for your mate, OP, for recognising he has a problem. Who else would he go to for help with something like this but his best friend of 15 years? I’d be there for him too and I don’t know him!
At this stage he’s not a criminal. Thoughts aren’t actions.
He hasn’t done anything wrong yet, and he’s scared to bits. So he should be because if he does act on his urges he’ll be in deep shit. Kids have a right to be protected.
Personally at this stage, I wouldn’t recommend going to a government body. I simply wouldn’t trust that it would be treated confidentially.
I don’t understand at all why some people are sexually attracted to kids. Your friend needs professional help as soon as possible to help him make sure his thoughts don’t become actions.
Goodness me… I’ve never understood how sexual thoughts about children are even possible. As your friend shows, it isn’t something that a person might even have any control over.
For that reason, he needs to know that while you were taken aback by his admission, you don’t hold him responsible for it. The only thing that will make you think badly of him from this point is if he doesn’t do what’s right and get help.
Mon 23 Aug 10 (09:03am)
I couldn’t dissagree more strong with bossys 1st comment.
The fact the he told you is a cry for help.
He is your childhood friend. You have a duty to help him. Friendships like that are rare. Plus the moral obligation to ensure the safety of any children he knows.
Given he is beating himself up over this it can only go 1 of 3 ways if he is not helped. 1) He will act on it. 2) He will take his own life because he can’t stand it any longer 3) He will act on it and then take his own life out of guilt and shame.
No wonder society is so crap when people say “You are under no obligation to help your friend.”
Start making contact with him. Let him know you are not judging him but are instead proud that he has the guts to face this and tell someone. Let him know you will stand by his side all the way.
BTW don’t beat yourself up because you didn’t notice after all those years. People are good at hiding secrets. Esp when they are as dark as this one. You only have to do a small amount of research on child porn and pedophiles to see how far the offenders go to hide their actions, content, groups and connections to make it almost impossible for law enforcement to discover or the average citizen to stumble upon.
Best of luck.
Mon 23 Aug 10 (09:09am)
Mon 23 Aug 10 (10:44am)
I agree wholeheartedly Chris. I had to re-read Bossy’s first comment to make sure I hadn’t misread it.
Mon 23 Aug 10 (12:51pm)
Disrespectful my arse!
If a stranger told her then of course she is under no obligation to help.
Be it wasn’t.
It was here friend. If you are a close longterm friend, obligation is always implied unless it’s doing something criminal or what you consider perverted etc.
I didn’t say she needs to hold his hand or take responsibility for him to move forward. I just said she needs to support him and say she doesn’t judge him.
Big difference between the 2.
He clearly spoke to her as a friend and confidant of 15 years. He is looking for help from the only person he feels he can trust. As I pointed out. Telling her she has no obligation to a longterm friend is an example of what is wrong with society.
People need to stop always thinking of themselves, how they feel and what they can get out of situations esp when it’s something as serious as this.
Well you may have reread it but you have misinterpreted it. I am not saying she shouldn’t help him, quite the opposite. What I am trying to discuss is her obvious ambivalence about the situation. Does she have to help him? No - she doesn’t. But would it be good if she did? Yes. When you counsel people it’s pretty mandatory that you at least take the time to reflect and recogise their feelings about a situation eg.I feel disgusted by this personally and yet feel loyalty to my friend. From there you strike a way forward. You don’t just say you MUST do something. Its pretty disrespectful to insist she take the responsibilty for steering him forward even if we all know she is probably the best perosn to do it. She still needs to make that choice. She’s hardly going to be an engaged support for him if she thinks her own feelings have been disregarded and she has been forced into the position of holding his hand. Get it?
Kate de Brito
Mon 23 Aug 10 (10:59am)
Bossy is right,
The key here is that he hasn’t acted on this, however these desires may well be the result of a childhood experience that he is having trouble getting over and so is stuck in a limbo of sorts. That he is asking for help is fantastic, but do be careful, he is your friend and has come to you for help, try not to judge him, but help him.
Don’t be mistaken he definatly needs help before something pushes him over the edge from which he cannot come back from…
good luck
Mon 23 Aug 10 (09:20am)
Hi OP, firstly I would like to say congratulations on just dumping your friend. It is a very difficult situation for you both!
Bossy’s advice is awsome as always. Let you friend know that you are there for him and will help him through it.
Good luck.
Mon 23 Aug 10 (09:26am)
Many people are probably going to condemn your friend; but if you can separate the horrid crime of paedophilia from those that might think it (but never act), you might be in a better position to assist your friend in never committing such an act.
I don’t think we can help what we are attracted to. People are born straight / gay / etc ... not made that way. As a result I don’t think your friend can help what he is attracted to - he has to manage it so that he NEVER acts on it.This is where professionals come in; and the understanding that he is not a bad person - he just needs help to preventing him from doing a very bad thing.
There are ways your friend can have a healthy relationship without going anywhere near children. He does need professional help to assist. There are escort agencies that specialise in younger looking girls, and there are women who naturally look very young (such as some Asian women who have the figure of a 10-year-old, but who are very much adults).
If you can help him get that help you might be preventing him making the worst mistake in his life by hurting others.
Mon 23 Aug 10 (09:36am)
Mon 23 Aug 10 (11:18am)
Being a paedophile is not a crime. Being a child molester is. There are paedophiles who never molest children, and there are child molesters who are not paedophiles. It’s important to get the terminology correct.
I think it’s really a good sign that this friend is both aware that his preference is wrong and actively works against it. And I agree- while it might not be your place to help, pointing this person towards resources which could help could be invaluable.
Mon 23 Aug 10 (01:49pm)
I think there’s a difference between being born straight or gay, as opposed to being ‘born’ a pedophile.
I always thought sex crimes were about power, more than attraction. The sex was the weapon of choice. Bossy help me out with this one? Were they telling me dirty filthy lies?
However, you’re right Outside, he needs to find a way to manage whatever is going on with him right now, before something terrible happens.
Mon 23 Aug 10 (10:29pm)
Opps - Thanks for the terminology correction Gwen! You’re right ... paedophillia is the attraction, and in the absence of any action, not a crime. Molestation of children is very, very wrong, and may be as a result of power (for instance in response to what the abuser was subjected to as a child), or attraction, or both. I should have been more careful in my post because mixing them up does imply ‘thought crime’ and that’s not what I meant.
And you’re right, many paedophilliacs probably never commit a crime.
As I said, I think your phillia is something you’re born with. But that is just personal opinion - it’s not like I’ve done a peer reviewed study! I know I’m straight ... I just don’t think it was my choice.
Ok solve the prblem quickly, drown the man!
Mon 23 Aug 10 (09:46am)
While it may seem strange to be saying this, I too had a very close friend admit this to me. At the time he was living with me and my children and realised that the situation had reached a critical stage. He moved into a hotel while i was at work and then sat me down that night to explain why he had left. At first i thought, OMG what if he has hurt my children. But he assured me that he hadnt as he was attracted to girls and i have boys. This didnt really calm me down much at the time i can tell you. However, with time to calm down and process things i realised that he was in a bad way and that telling me was his way of saying he wasnt sure how much longer he could control himself.
i worked in child welfare at the time and was lucky to have resources that i knew straight away would be available to him, the ones that Bossy listed are the ones you want, write the details down.
If you are strong enough, then you need to reach out to him, point him in the right direction but make it clear to him that you dont approve but you will still support him getting the help he needs.
Keep him away from temptation while he is with you, no trips to the park with your kids or friends kids etc. And be prepared for him to lash out at you when things get tough. This isnt an easy situation to deal with and he will probably need on going treatment for the rest of his life on some level,
However, you should seek some counselling too. This has been a huge shock and you need to process the situation yourself as well.
I hope that you have the strength to help him through this but if you don’t please, for all the children he knows or may ever know, at least get him some help.
Good luck.
Mon 23 Aug 10 (09:46am)
What a sick individual. This person should be executed. Give me his contact details and I will permanently disable him so that he doesn’t have the physical ability to touch a kid. This is a more effective and reassuring way of controlling the problem.
Mon 23 Aug 10 (09:58am)
Mon 23 Aug 10 (11:18am)
That sounds like the sick individual calling the kettle black to me…
Mon 23 Aug 10 (12:06pm)
You’re a f*cking idiot.
He should be executed for having thoughts? So what, every time you think of speeding down the highway (which can cause harm) you should be executed, even if you don’t do it?
Moron.
Mon 23 Aug 10 (02:45pm)
ej get over your righteous ego. Nothing is as bad as wanting to molest a child. This is an urge he is going to have the rest of his life. It is like letting him walk around with a loaded gun with an intent to kill but he knows its wrong. These threats should be eliminated regardless of whether he has acted on it or not. Back when I was in the army (army of another country), we sometimes would capture scum like this and it gave me great pleasure to torture them for weeks on end. The torture they recieve compares little to the harm they have caused and they deserve everything they get. You have no idea what these pr#cks are capable of and this guy is headed down the same road. Help or no help he doesn’t deserve to live among us
Mon 23 Aug 10 (04:32pm)
Sick individuals who enjoy torturing others for ‘weeks on end’ should be executed…
Mon 23 Aug 10 (05:12pm)
As a victim of child abuse, I am with you Chris of Sydney. It is like giving a murderer a loaded gun and expect them not to use it… OP’s friend is bound to act at some point on his urges...if he has not already done so (which I suspect he has)
Tue 24 Aug 10 (08:36am)
My apologies, Chris. You actually are mentally ill. I shouldn’t make fun of you. Sorry.
Tue 24 Aug 10 (08:37am)
So, the torturous, murderous prick wants to kill someone for having bad thoughts. There are ways to control this so he never acts on it, but let’s just kill him just in case hey Chris.
Would you have been let into this country if the authorities knew you had murder or torture on your mind? And would they kill you just in case you kill anyone? What evidence did you have of these people you tortured? Or was it just heresay?
You are bigger scum than OP’s friend - at least he hasn’t acted yet. I hope you’re eventually tried for war crimes you sick prick.
Tue 24 Aug 10 (09:02am)
Who died and made you ruler and judge of the universe Chris?
So you took extremem pleasure in torturing a human being for weeks on end?
You are one sick bastard.
Two wrongs do not make a right.
I belive that child molesters deserve to be locked up so they can not offend again, but once you start torturing people then you are basically as bad as they are.
Well I’m not going to be handing out contact details so I dont think Chris is going to have his way somehow
Kate de Brito
Tue 24 Aug 10 (09:47am)
Bossy, your ability to remain objective in these situations is truly admirable.
OP, Bossy is totally right. Although the seriousness of his confession is personally confronting it is important that you don’t push him away, he needs help with a capital H. It is a very good sign that he trusted you enough to tell you of these thoughts and that he knows it is a problem. My fingers are crossed that you can steer him towards the help that he needs.
Mon 23 Aug 10 (10:01am)
Op,
I think you have handled the confession with care and compassion so far.
I know that many people will be quite critical and harsh of your good friends confession- but it poses a very good point. Not everybody who has a natural inclination towards things that are destructive and taboo..wants to be that way!
Whether it be environmental factors, a naturally addictive/ compulsive tendency or in some instances a chemical inbalance in the brain that causes delusions...Persons at high risk of offending still require human compassion...especially when they DO NOT want to act upon or be branded by their disturbing preference.
I imagine your friend struggles with intense loneliness. Imagine the prospect of never allowing yourself to fall in love with a woman, because that might spell marriage and babies, which would place you in a direct situation of being able to act upon your urges.
An awful predicament for those future children..but an equally as awful and lonely predicament for your friend who faces a life without deep love.
It was brave of your friend to be honest with you and he requires compassion and support- you never know by taking real action to get him counselling and assessment, you could improve the lives of countless people- children and your friend alike!
I was sexually abused from when I was 6y/o . It was over a 2year period by multiple members of one particular family who were friends of my parents.
The younger adults within that family had been abused themselves which probably explains why I have varying levels of sympathy, hatred, and disgust towards those people...depending on the role they played.
For me forgiveness where possible has been the only thing that has enabled me to move forward in my life and feel true peace.
So I say this from a first hand persepective, I know that some of the members of that family were a product of their environment- I am certain that they did not want to abuse me. I have confronted one of my offenders (with the help of ALOT of counselling) and know that they desperately wanted to talk to someone about their thoughts and urges and desperately wanted to stop.
You should not bare that responsibility alone as your friend needs qualified counselling, But you can be that forceful but loving push towards treatment that your friend obviously needs. Call him, you cannot let this slip by!
Best of luck OP. Be brave, follow your convictions and remember that he is still your friend and he deserves understanding and support.
Mon 23 Aug 10 (10:06am)
I think you need to refer him to someone like a doctor that can actually help him with this problem. This is something that needs attention from a professional. Try going with him to an appointment, it might help hm a little, and he wont feel so uncomfortable.
Just don’t judge him on what he has told you, he told you his most inner secret because he trusts that yoou can help him and keep it secret. Don’t go telling your other friends, this will cause a stir.
Hope he goes and sees someone to get some help.
Mon 23 Aug 10 (10:08am)
Firstly you should tell him he has not done anything wrong, there is no “technically” about it. None of us can control who are what we are attracted to any more than we can choose our ethnicity. We can however choose weather we act on our desires, but to deny ourselves of our most primal and powerful urges is very tough battle, and one, in your friends case, he should not fight alone.
Bossy has given some places for you to find someone to help your friend. However I would not suggest showing your friend this page, as Bossy’s links may be interpreted by him as he should be treated as a sex offender of sexual abuser. I know that is not the case, but it is important for him to know he is neither of these things, (as far as we know) and he is basically a good person doing everything he can to control himself. All you can do is encourage him to seek professional help and remind him he is not a bad person and he is not evil. You are already aware of what could happen if he starts to self destruct and is no longer able to control himself.
You also need to look after yourself. Your friend has placed a terrible burden on you by telling you this. You must not take responsibility for his life or actions on yourself. There may be times in the future when he will have to look after a young niece, be at a school sports day or any other reason where he will be in prolonged contact with young girls. Don’t drive yourself mad thinking you should warn people about him, or check up on him. He is a grown man and responsible for himself, all you can do is be a good friend, as well as dealing with the burden of this knowledge he has placed on you.
Mon 23 Aug 10 (10:28am)
Mon 23 Aug 10 (11:51am)
A sensible response D…
Well Done.