CINCINNATI—Bengals wide receivers Chad Ochocinco and Terrell Owens reportedly stayed late after practice Tuesday to begin writing the libretto and music for, and start preliminary blocking on, a new touchdown-celebration opera. more»
Hollywood Rangers To Manage Overpopulation Problem By Killing Off 1,200 Celebrities
Sports »
Ochocinco, Owens Preparing Touchdown Celebration Opera
Inside The Onion
Politics
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Obama Declares Victory, Sort Of, Depending On How You Look At It, In Iraq
CAMP SPRINGS, MD—"For nearly a decade, our mission in Iraq has been to root out those who would choose violence over peace, to create a stable Iraqi government, and to transfer power to an incorruptable civilian police force," Obama said. "And, in a manner of speaking, we sort of did some of that, right? More or less?"…more»
Infographic »
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Proposition 8 Overturned
Last week, a federal judge ruled that California's same-sex marriage ban was unconstitutional, leaving many proponents of Proposition 8 scrambling for new ways to stop gay marriage. Here are some of their strategies:…more»
Local
News in Brief »
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Area Woman Thinks She Could Live In City She's Visiting
SAN FRANCISCO—After a few close friends personally escorted her around San Francisco's nicest parks, restaurants, and shopping centers, Virginia-native and first-time visitor Lori Timlin reported Sunday that she could envision herself living in the ...…more»
National News Highlights »
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PITTSBURGH, PA—While visiting her grandparents, Karen Sawyer decided to slip her younger cousins a few, but not all, of the insights she’s gleaned from being four and a half years older.
World
Our Dumb World »
Entertainment
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Hollywood Rangers To Manage Overpopulation Problem By Killing Off 1,200 Celebrities
HOLLYWOOD, CA—Calling current population levels "wildly unsustainable," rangers from the Federal Bureau of Celebrity Conservation announced this week their plan to eliminate some 1,200 celebrities from the Hollywood region.…more»
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Horoscopes »
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
To be truly human is to never give up; however, to be truly human is also to know the meaning of sacrifice. It's some deep shit, really.
TV Listings »
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Great American Sister-in-Laws
HISTORY
9 p.m. EDT / 8 p.m. CST
Caroline Lee Bouvier was quick to relax John and Jackie Kennedy at their wedding, got John, Jr. a haircut once when his father was busy as president, and performed absolute magic with turnips at every family meal they shared at her home.
Science & Technology
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Desperate Pandora Employees Scrambling To Find Song Area Man Likes
OAKLAND, CA—The headquarters of personalized online music provider Pandora remained in a state of chaos Thursday as frantic workers struggled to find a song that 32-year-old Boston subscriber Dave Lipton would enjoy.…more»
Statshot »
…Opinion
Commentary »
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Here's To The Next 40 Years Of Jean!
by Jean Teasdale
Okay, Jeanketeers, deep breath: On Aug. 9, I finally hit the big four-oh (the "oh" is for "Oh, my God!").…more»
Corrections »
- Actor Peter Sarsgaard's name was misspelled in a photo caption accompanying a story about the upcoming release of Green Lantern. We were unaware that our readers knew how to spell his name correctly. The Onion regrets the error.
Economy
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Boeing Lays Off Only Guy Who Knows How To Keep Wings On Plane
CHICAGO—With the airline industry continuing to suffer under the ongoing recession, the Boeing Company was forced Monday to lay off Al Freedman, the only guy left at the corporation who knows how to keep wings from falling off planes.…more»
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Report: Unemployment High Because People Keep Blowing Their Job Interviews
WASHINGTON—With unemployment at its highest level in decades, the U.S. Department of Labor issued a report Tuesday suggesting the crisis is primarily the result of millions of Americans just completely blowing their job interviews.…more»
Stockwatch »
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