Dear Bossy: I have a problem with a guy I used to chat with on the net. I am a 20 something average Aussie guy who has always been rather curious about homosexuality. I don’t consider myself gay, but I would say I am bisexual. None of my family or friends are aware.

I often chat on gay chat sites to other guys etc. I have enjoyed a six month long relationship with this one guy but he couldn’t date a “closet case” which I am.

Anyway, some years back, when I was in my late teens, before I realised I was bisexual, I started chatting to a guy (let’s call him Brad) on one of these all male chat sites. He seemed really nice and as it turned out, he was living a block down the road from me! I couldn’t believe it. So we chatted online for I’d say around 18 months, a few times a week. He had a boyfriend and was always asking me around to “join in” with them. I have to say I found this awfully tempting but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I still don’t know why. A few months after he stopped asking me, I thought I was falling for him (I know, a guy on the internet, stupid) and I told him. He asked me again to meet up with him and this time I did.We met at a coffee shop up the road and chatted.. He was really nice and handsome. We took a nice long walk and before I left to go home I kissed him. I felt so good about myself. Then Brad moved out and we still chatted here and there. I really wanted to be with him, but he had a boyfriend. I accepted this and started seeing my current girl.

I have fallen for this girl and want to spend the rest of my life with her. She knows I am bisexual and she understand as she is as well.

I hadn’t heard from Brad for months, maybe over a year, then all of a sudden he tried to contact me through email and told me he broke up with his boyfriend. I was shocked. He told me that he wanted to be with me. That he loves me and always will. I told him that I have moved on and am with my current girl.  He didn’t like this. He thinks that I have played him and disrespected him. So he sends out emails to a group of my friends telling them I am gay. I have been told for a gay man to do this to someone is a disgrace to the gay community. A gay man has a right to come out on his own terms. Even if he is bisexual. He knows where I live and emails me all the time telling me that “Im going to out you!!!” and “you think you can be a c**t?! Wait till you see what I’m capable of!”

I don’t know what to do. I know I had feelings for Brad in the past but that’s over and he chose his boyfriend over me. So now that I have chosen my girl over him he is angry??? Is it because I’m with a woman? I don’t know what to think. I have stopped talking to him and I’m just ignoring his emails for now. But I don’t know how far he will take this?

How can I stop him from ‘outing’ me to all my friends. He says he has proof? If i want to come out and tell people I am bisexual that should be my right, no one else’s.

Help me Bossy!

Continue reading 'This man is stalking me and threatening to reveal my secret'

Dear Bossy: Long time reader, first time writer here. I need your help!

At the start of this year myself, my girlfriend and two other single guys (4 of us) moved in to a 3 bedroom apartment. At the time we were both really happy with sharing the place. It meant we could afford to live in a nice location and we were both really happy with our choices for housemates. Then we learned the truth… (let’s call him Mic) has obviously spent his entire life having other people pick up after him. Whenever he cooks he makes sure he uses every appliance, utensil and bench space in the apartment and then won’t wash up. He leaves his clothes drying all over the dining room chairs and the back of the couch. The table is constantly littered with empty envelopes, papers and god knows what that all belong to him.

Our other house mate (let’s call him Paul) isn’t much better. He seems to think the extra half a metre between the bin and the bench and between the sink and the dishwasher is too much effort. They BOTH seem to find it hard to distinguish between the sink and the bin at times also.

I am a very clean person but wouldn’t call myself a “clean freak.” Is it too much to ask to not have to play father for these two? By the way they are 23 and 37 and I am 20. It’s ridiculous.

What goes on in their own room is their business but when a strange mildew-like smell starts protruding from Mic’s bedroom every now and then, I almost lose it. I don’t think he’s changed his bed sheets since we moved in 6 months ago.

I’ve tried asking them to clean up and we’ve had regular “house meetings” to discuss stuff like this but it keeps happening. I’m always left to clean up the kitchen just so I can get to the sink to wash my own dishes. It’s gross, un-hygienic and really, really frustrating. At one point the other week when I was cleaning up, I stopped and stood back when I realised that Mic was actually sitting watching TV and occasionally looking up at me with a look to say “Stop making so much noise I’m trying to listen to this.” I put the tea-towel down and said “Can you come and clean up your shit please?” and went to bed. The next morning I found the dishes washed but still stacked up in an unsightly pile on the bench.

My girlfriend is in final year of medical school so she is either sleeping, at uni or studying. I work and don’t have a lot to do on weeknights so I’m the one who cooks, cleans and provides for her while she’s studying.  This means she’s indifferent about the situation and doesn’t really notice the mess and that it’s me that’s mostly picking up after them.

This is my first time living out of home and – correct me if I’m wrong – I seem to be the one who’s best at sharing an apartment. The other thing too is that most of the furniture and kitchen stuff belongs to my girlfriend and I and we have to put up with it being treated like crap.

Am I being to much of a control freak? How do I tell them that it’s gotta change? Please help me.

Continue reading 'Help me with my filthy flatmates'

Dear Bossy: I’m 21 years old and I’m a full time student.

About six months ago my I split up with my Boyfriend of three years and I was devastated to say the least as the relationship ended very suddenly.

When he started university, I began to notice very negative changes in him, some depression, excessive drinking, lack of motivation and aggression particularly towards his overbearing parents. He also started mixing with a different crowd too (they aren’t exactly nice guys).

Whenever I confronted him about his low moods and lack of motivation he said he doesn’t enjoy his degree, wishes he could change but never will because his parents are paying his way through to save him from having a HECS debt.

When he ended the relationship, I lost control over my life and sunk into very severe depression. With Help from my family, friends and one very smart psychiatrist, I decided to move on and get one with my life, after all I’m only young.

To do this, I cut him out of my life. I blocked and deleted him of Facebook, deleted all photos of us together, put away all his things and gifts he’d given me so as not to bring back any painful memories and started seeing less of our mutual friends. I was determined to one day be his friend, (but only when I was ready) after all our relationship was a happy one and I always felt like he was my best friend. I am proud to say that I worked hard, sought help and got myself back on track although I am still not ready to pursue any friendship.

A few weeks ago, I was told he started…lets call it “Dating"…. a girl I once worked with and know from around my neighbourhood. She has always been nice to me and I don’t have any problem with her although I am aware of her…reputation. What creeps me out most is how much we look alike…

When I found out I tried not to let it bother me, but I know this girl, see her around and I felt like it was a bit of a slap in the face.

About two weeks ago I saw him out at a bar when I was there with some of our mutual friends.

I was sober and happily sitting, chatting when he slithered up to me drunk as all hell. I tried to blow him off gently (he was cramping my style) but he kept blowing me kisses (cheesy, yuck) and seemed to be having a great deal of difficulty tearing his eyes away from my chest. I didn’t want to undo any of the progress I had made so I left the table and let his friends sort him out (previously, dragging his drunk ass home was my special job). That’s when he started messaging and ringing me, asking how I was getting home and if he could “share a cab” He waited outside the bar for me, he proceeded to tell me how much he misses me and that he’s “obsessed” with me, that he can’t believe I would ever block him on Facebook (it was for my own good and it’s facebook! Not real life!) and demanded to know how many people I’ve slept with since we broke up(I haven’t exactly been saving myself for him and I think he’s heard).

I was confused and totally thrown by this, after all my hard work he was trying to bring me down. He didn’t bother to contact me after all of that (maybe he felt embarrassed and rejected)? I’m ashamed to admit it but I got my hopes up that maybe we’d reconcile and get back together. The only time he contacts me is via text and they are always snarky and sarcastic and a little bit hurtful.

Anyway, I found out two days after his little outburst, he started seeing my look-a-like again and has gone out of his way to very publicly not invite me to his birthday party… (Childish!)

He’s off the rails, I can see it. He doesn’t look well and drinks even more now that we aren’t together.

I know he’s going through some melt down and it shouldn’t be my problem, but I can’t help but be concerned by his apparent drinking problem and also a little grossed out by his look-a-like….

Is he just trying to stop me from moving on? I feel like I’m bracing for a very big storm. Should I separate myself from him even more and never speak to him again?

Where is the line between being concerned and being drawn back into a mess?

bottom line: should I care or not? He broke my heart after all.

Continue reading 'Why is my ex boyfriend dating my look alike?'

Dear Bossy: My husband is a professional and I work with him in his office for a long time. I am now 49 years old. Our marriage of 15 years has been on rocks for a while as we argue and fight over simple things and we have separate bedrooms.  There are no children.

My husband is highly ethical and disciplined.  He has a extremely beautiful blond woman (45 yrs )client who is going through separation.,br>
This is how it started. Before her appointment I would see her going to the toilet to freshen up and so would my husband prior to meeting her.

Then her appointments were all after 5.00 pm (I leave by then) and he would come home pretty late.

I found quite a few blond hairs on passenger seat of my husband’s car. I made a joke of it as he does have clients in his car.  I told him to vaccum it and he made a song and dance about vaccum cleaner being rubbish (as I had bought it) and turned the whole thing about the vac cum cleaner. He has cds in his car of music that are not his taste and would not tell me who has given it to him. His exact words to me were ‘its none of your business’… ‘who are you to ask me anything’.

Recently he rang her from his home office whilst I was watching TV in lounge area. I switched off TV and went and sat in the chair in this room. He left the room immediately holding his mobile phone and talking about her case. I followed him out and said loudly ‘hurry up’ ‘hurry up’.. he quickly covered the mouth piece as if he did not want her to hear me.  We had a huge argument and he called me names. I am his typist too so I know about the case and if there is nothing going on why was he so enraged. He calls her almost every night at 9.30 pm which he has never done with any client. 

My friend saw her car parked on Saturday in our rental property which my husband is fixing up.  My husband’s client used to talk a lot with me before, but now if she comes for appointment she just picks up a magazine and does not say a word to me.. which is so strange.  She never even looks at me. Usually I make tea or coffee for clients. Last time she went to kitchen and made herself a cup of tea.
Would it be okay if I asked her directly that if she has ever sat in my husband’s car and was it work related ? If she has met him on his rental property? If she has given him cds? I am under stress as she is also our client.  My husband is very protective of her and takes her side.  I am so miserable and I do want my marriage to work and do not want to leave my husband though I have told him in anger ‘fine lets divorce’. 

I do have strong desire to confront her (as we meet in the same shopping store).  I want her to know that I know what she is doing but I do not want to upset my husband.

Your comments will be so appreciated as I am all alone.

Continue reading 'Should I confront my husband’s client? I think they are having an affair'

Dear Bossy: I’m worried that my sister is being scammed and I’m not sure what to do about it.

My sister, who has a history of depression and is on medication for it, is recently divorced. This happened about a month ago, and has obviously been upsetting for her, as she wanted to try to make things work with her husband, and told us she was still in love with him. I should probably also mention my sister is currently living in an Asian country so we can’t just go see her at the drop of a hat.

About 2 weeks ago, she told me that she had met someone online on a christian dating website, that he was perfect for her and that she thought she was falling in love. Naturally I told her to be careful. A few days later, when I phoned my Dad, he told me that my sister really believed she was in love with this man, and that he was from Nigeria.

Of course, with so many scams coming out of Nigeria, alarm bells started ringing in my head. I did some research, and found that romance scams were very common, and my sister was a prime candidate for these scammers to prey upon.

By this time, my other two sisters had heard about what was happening and had put in their 2 cents worth and my sister stopped talking to us, saying we were trying to ruin the “best week of her life” and that we didn’t want her to be happy. She also told us at this point that she had sent a webcam to this man so he could skype with her and prove this wasn’t a scam. She had by this stage helped him set up a facebook page, an msn messenger account and skype account, because he was “computer illiterate”. We were all really worried at this stage because a) she knew his mail address and had SENT stuff to him and b) have you ever heard of a computer illiterate civil engineer?

This is what we know about this guy:

He claims to be Bulgarian, working in Nigeria as a civil engineer. He has a young daughter, whose mother died in an accident 6 years ago. He claims to be in love with my sister after a mere 2 weeks of online conversation. He claims to be computer illiterate. He claims that his company will transfer him to the country where my sister lives in 4 weeks time.

A few days later, she sent us a contrite email, saying this man had asked her for money for an emergency operation on his daughter, and that she had contacted the company that had a logo on one of the letters he had sent her, and they told her that no-one by his name had ever worked there. I thought that it was all over then.

I was wrong. She sent us this message a few days later:

“Hey everyone, I wasn’t able to talk on Skype with X - the Nigeria guy - because he was in an old cyber cafe without webcams, and didn’t realise that skype needed the hardware as well as the software. So, he is really wanting to talk to me on Skype so that I can see he is the guy in the photos & he doesn’t want me to doubt him. lol

I think that he’s opening himself up to a gazillion questions from you too, because he wants to connect on Facebook & see my family pics.
I don’t know what the usual ‘scammers’ do with regards to family, but maybe this guy isn’t one after all. Still to meet him on Skype of course....
I am well aware of what the internet is saying, thank you everyone. Just so you know, I did a ‘Is he a scammer?’ test and came up with 52/210 there, lol. So, I am just going to not worry about thinking anything until he talks to me on skype.”

My Dad and I were planning to visit my sister at Christmas to spend some time with her and help her through her divorce, but now it seems much more urgent that we see her, or get her to come back to Australia. So I’m not sure what to do. Should I just let this run its course and hope my sister learns her lesson? Or should I try to take some form of action?
Worried sister

Continue reading 'Is my sister being scammed?'

Dear Bossy: It’s been almost 3 months since my family lost one of our teenage children in a car accident. She is my niece but my daughter also. I will miss her forever. My family and I all seem to have chosen to suffer in private; finding it very hard to talk about, we choose not to. I am okay with this as it is just so overwhelming at present. I have also managed to ‘handle’ my work okay probably because I can maintain a certain distance in that context. Overall I think I have done a good job of minimising the impact of my grief on those around me.

Initially people who I considered close friends offered their support saying, “If there’s anything, ANYTHING, I can do to help just ask”. At this time it was all I could do just to get through the day let alone think about what I might “need” to support me, especially when the only solution - to change the unchangeable - was impossible.  These same people now appear to have seen the offer of support, rather than actually acting on it, as a duty well-performed. Interestingly, strangers have been treating me with surprising compassion even though they are completely unaware of my situation and, that as far as I know, I’m giving no outward signs of my shattered heart.

When I have taken friends up on their early offer to ‘be there for me’ they’ve blurted: “have you thought about going to see a counsellor?” Once even in the middle of a sentence. Good advice I suppose but to me it just feels like a shut-down. While this is certainly not the most inappropriate thing I have heard, it is most related to my issue here. I consider myself neither martyr nor angel when it comes to friendships, although I have been the friend most likely to listen.  In this instance I guess I’m just trying to work out a way to survive this trauma and to stall this feeling of disillusionment that’s creeping up on me.  I’m not even sure what I’m asking, although I wonder more and more how rare the person is who will just sit and listen to their friends in crisis. It would be good to think that formal counselling has not yet taken the place of a friend willing to listen to another, especially when the goal is not to find a ‘solution’ but just to talk through bottomless pain.

Now that I read back over my letter, it looks way too long yet at the same time doesn’t seem to express all that I want it to.  How do others survive their grief, especially with little emotional support?  If your readers have lost a child how do they deal with the fact that it can never be reconciled? To not have every moment punctuated with the memory of that child’s absence?  It just seems impossible to me at the moment but I know many others have lost as much as me and survived so there must be a way.

Thank you.
Lost

Continue reading 'Why don’t people understand my grief?'

Dear Bossy: I have been seeing this really wonderful man for the past 3-4 months (we were friends for about a year before we started dating) and things are amazing. however he lives in another state. this isn’t really a problem as we do a lot of communication online and see each other in real life every chance i get. i’m even considering moving to sydney to be with him. (my job will allow me to work anywhere). the problem i have at the moment is with one of his work mates (we’ll call his work mate andrew). i have a strong suspicious that andrew is gay (the way he talks about homosexuals all the time, the way he dresses, and the kind of things he gets up to). that isnt a problem, but the problem is his advances on my boyfriend. he’s always asking my boyfrind to go out for lunch, for dinner, just for walks at lunch time. my boyfriend seems completely oblivious though. occasionally andrew and my boyfriend partner up for pair programming (they’re computer geeks), and one time when they were doing pair programming, andrew tried to hold my boyfriends hand. my boyfriend thinks that andrew is just joking and isn’t really gay since he used to have a girlfriend.

I’m not angry at my boyfriend (though i wish he would just come out and tell andrew he is not interested). i’m angry at andrew. andrew knows that my boyfriend is already taken. grrr. am i wrong for being annoyed that a man is cracking onto my man? should i just ignore it? what to do? i just want some different perspectives.

from a random internet person

Continue reading 'Help: He’s after my boyfriend'

Dear Bossy: Okay, now I might sound like an idiot but my hubby messes with my head so much that things that may seem irrational to everyone else, will seem okay to me.  I really am quite screwed up.  I come from a very dysfunctional family background where it was learned that your best defence was to turn mute and hide so I’m not good with confrontation.  In saying this, please understand that I am not a total loser, my every day job is as an office worker and I am more than capable of giving advice to others, just when it concerns me, I do my turtle defence.

I began seeing my husband when I was 15 years old and he was 20.  I worshipped the ground he walked on and idiolised him as most school girl crushes go.  He was a bit of an ass and would go out drinking with his mates (of course I was too young) so I would stay home and cry and pray that I would turn 18 quickly.  Anyway, cut a long story short, I moved in with him when I was 16 after being kicked out of home.  My husband would disappear weekends on sporting trips and wouldn’t call me or let me know where he was.  On the other hand, when I tried to make some of my own friends, I was accused of being too flirty with the boys (trust me, I am the original wallflower, even though I have been told that I am good looking I just have no self-esteem).
Moving forward again after I turned 18 I was so happy to be able to party with my boyfriend and his mates but I realised, he didn’t really want to hang with me.  He would tell me he was going to the bar and then just not come back.  I would have to go searching for him.  It’s not that he didn’t want me there, he liked me wearing very short, tight fitting dresses and have me stand there and basically be his arm candy and he would get violent to other guys if they came up to talk to me (of course, they didn’t know I was with someone half the time because I was just standing by myself in the background).  After one night we had an argument and he became physically violent to me.  I managed to get away to a neighbours place and the police were called.  I had nowhere to go and he was very easily able to talk me back to him.

Things continued to hum along for a while with me just going along with whatever he wanted and trying to be the perfect girlfriend when I found out I was pregnant at 19.  It was a mistake but we never thought about terminating, we had by that stage been together for years so understood it to be ‘meant to be’.  His mother who is Catholic of course insisted we were married before the baby came so we did the small backyard garden wedding and went on to have our son.  My husband basically takes no interest in our son whatsoever.  He even now, 14 years later, brags to people that he never did a night feed or changed a nappy.  Don’t mind the fact that our son was a very poor sleeper and woke 3 - 4 times a night until he was about 3 years old and I had to go back to full time work when he was 10 months old!  I was very mentally and physically worn down from lack of sleep and still keeping up with the nightly sex my husband expected, I felt like a zombie most times.

When my son was about 4 my husband took the family car to go to ‘McDonalds’.  McD was only 5 minutes from our home at the time but 2 hours later I got a call that my husband had been picked up for drink driving and soliciting a prostitute.  Thank God the dickweed tried to pick up an undercover officer in a sting they had but still, I had to bundle up our child to collect him from the watchhouse and cop abuse because how dare I question him about the prostitute.  He told me later that he wasn’t trying to get a hooker, he was pulled up at the lights and he though she was deaf.  Why he was in a well known hooker zone and thinking that deaf girls were walking around I’ll never know, but I chose to pretend I believed him, meanwhile I read the recorded transaction and know he was trying to pick her up for anal sex.

Zipping through the years to now, our child is now 14 and I am in my mid-30s having spent the last 20 years with this person.  I feel like it is only now that I am strong enough to take the blinkers off but I have never before fought with my husband, and quite frankly, I don’t know how to!  Our son has no feelings towards his dad past acknowledging the paternity.  I have always tried to get my husband to have a relationship with our son but he much rathers playing with his friends at the pub.  My husband is a very heavy drinker and I believe that he is an alcoholic although he vehemently denies that he is.

A few years ago I noticed my husband was on the computer a lot and I was able to see from the history that he had a profile on a dating site.  I guess you call it entrapment (he did) but I set up a profile of exactly what I know he loves in a woman.  Like fish to bait, he hooked on and told *me* that he was in an open relationship and we set up a meeting during the course of a week or so of chatting.  I came home from work that night and revealed to him that I was the girl he was chatting to and he told me that he knew it was me all along and was just playing along for kicks.  I also copped a flogging for being such a bitch.

My husband has worked his way up to a management position at his work (factory type job) and lately, has been very secretive about things.  He doesn’t come home until 9.30/10.30 at night and says that he has to stay back because orders need to be done.  He leaves home at 5 or 6am.  He doesn’t get paid overtime, just a set wage.  One of his mates just recently left his wife of 5 years because he was seeing the 19 year old office tart and my husband has suddenly started spending heaps of time with this tool.  My husband has begun hiding his mobile and turning it to silent so I don’t hear it ring.  He deletes all messages received and sent.  Last week he came home drunk at 12.30am and I was able to read messages that he was obviously too drunk to delete.  It was his mates tart g/f telling him to tell his mate how much she loves him and misses him, also that she and her friend can’t meet them because her friend didn’t want to go out but they should stop at her house on their way home.  Unfortunately, I’ve not been able to read any other messages to see what happend or anything.

I strongly believe that he is screwing around, but he is such a conniving bastard that unless I have something concrete, he will turn it back on me and I’ll feel trapped.  I can’t afford a PI to get evidence and I feel that I can’t just up and kick him out unless I have something he can’t refute.  By the way, I full expect that when I give him the kiss goodbye that I will have a huge beating coming my way, but our son is more than happy to ring the cops if it happens. 

My biggest problem is that when he is normal, I love him.  He does treat me like a maid with benefits but he is all I’ve ever known.  I know I deserve a heap better but I am so scared that if I do get rid of him I’ll miss him.

What do I do?

Continue reading 'I’ve spent 20 years in this dud relationship, what do I do now?'

Dear Bossy: I have a bit of an ongoing dilemma that has been getting to me more than usual lately. Unfortunately it’s not as simple as simply distancing myself from the person involved as it’s my own father.

My dad and I have always had a complicated relationship. My mum divorced him when I was three and he took it upon himself to use me as a weapon against her for most of my childhood by brainwashing me against her side of the family. I lived with my mum in a different state to my dad but he’s always been very manipulative and managed to have a huge effect on my feelings towards the family just by having weekly phone calls and six monthly visits with me. I snapped out of this mentality when I was around 12. He didn’t like it when I no longer idolized him so we were out of contact for a couple of years because all he did was put me down unless I whole heartedly agreed with his views. I wrote him a letter asking him to stay out of my life unless he can accept my right to think for myself. One day he phoned me to say he was in my area and wanted to see me. I agreed and from then on he’s managed to weasel his way back into my life.

About two years ago I moved to Sydney , where my dad lives. I moved not to be closer to him, but because I like the city. I stayed with him for the first month until I managed to find my feet and then moved into a place with some friends. He didn’t like me moving out at all. He told me I was “ditching him” and went on and on about how I won’t find a better place to live than his house and that he’s much easier to live with than anyone else I’ll find.

Now that you know some of the back story, here’s the main issue; My dad is the most inappropriate, self centred, arrogant and deluded person I’ve ever had the misfortune of meeting.  He’s overtly sexual and brings up topics that make me feel extremely uncomfortable and refuses, no matter how I react, to refrain from discussing certain topics with me. Half of what he talks about is jokes about how many women want to “bonk him.” He told me jokingly that he plans to start a cult where he can just recruit women in their 20’s to please him for the rest of his life. My dad is 66. I tried laughing it off hoping that he’d just drop it and talk about normal things but he proceeded to point out women all day that could “join his cult.” Eventually I told him enough and I’m sick of hearing it and he made out like I’m a controlling spoil sport and started criticising me for being uptight. When I calmly say that he’s creeping me out and I don’t want to hear it he talks about it more enthusiastically and louder like he’s intentionally trying to upset me and then laughs if I act uncomfortable or irritated. If I get up and leave the room he will follow me throwing insults at me about me being boring and no fun. I’ve tried everything. This scenario is not a once off. He discusses overtly sexual topics every time I see him.

He was diagnosed with bipolar years and years ago. He proudly tells me that he doesn’t need medication and has a shrink who apparently declares him completely sane. What his shrink probably doesn’t know is that he’s a compulsive liar who will twist any story to make everyone else look bad, and as a result, he probably does seem sane in his own recounts of events. He is embarrassing to take out in public. He talks loudly and obnoxiously about the most inappropriate topics. The other weekend I was in public with him when he started loudly announcing that Hitler had some good policies on euthanizing disabled children. Regardless of whether he thinks this or not, I think it’s completely inappropriate to raise the issue loudly in a public place around lots of other people. When I quietly indicated that I wasn’t comfortable having that discussion in the middle of a quiet but crowded restaurant, he proceeded to insult everyone in the restaurant by claiming it’s “probably the most exciting thing they’ve heard all month because they all look like old fogies who wet their pants all day.” He said his loudly enough that every person in the restaurant no doubt heard him.

There’s also another thing that makes the situation more complex. I’m his last living relative and he openly tells me that I’m inheriting all of his assets when he dies. He actually refers to his money and his house as my inheritance. His assets are worth well over a million dollars, probably closer to two. As a young woman paying off her first mortgage, that’s a lot of money and I could really do with it further down the track when he does pass away.

I’m at a loss as to how to handle the situation. Part of me feels that he’s a thorn in my side and I’d rather not have anything to do with him when all he does is make me feel uncomfortable and criticises me when I disagree with him. Part of me thinks that maybe I should just put up with it since I stand to receive such a large inheritance, and part of me thinks there has to be a happy medium or some way to make him compromise his inappropriate behaviour.

What should I do? I’ve asked my friends and no one seems to be able to suggest anything. I’m getting desperate :(

Regards,
The boring, prudish daughter of a crazy man

Continue reading 'Should I put up with my cringeworthy dad to get an inheritance?'

Dear Bossy: So like everyone else here, i’ve got a moral dilemma up my sleeve. Let me give you a bit of background into myself, currently an undergraduate uni student with a few years left, i’ve only seen one girl before, i’m what you would call a “late bloomer,” in that i didn’t give dating a second thought until after high school.

What we have here is a case of the typical shy asain bought up by parents who raised him up to be nice, caring and forgetful around women. Only recently however, especially how the whole concept of “pickup” went viral a few years back, have i realised that this limiting belief was holding me back. I sought help, i found it. I figured out that i could honest, funny, cocky and yet nice at the same time, so I’ve been having a lot more success around women lately, definitely a lot more confident than i was a few years back.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago, i met a girl, lets call her Anny from a family dinner. Our family have a close tie, more than 20 years i would say. She’s in grade 7 so that equates to year 13, or as my friend says, makes me a “pedophile.” Anyway, we hit it off pretty well, facebook, msn and i’ve been over her place a couple of times and she’s been over mine a few times too. I know she definately likes me and even mentioned on one occasion that most of her friends were dating older guys and we’re talking about 18 year old guys with 13-14 year old girls.
So my take on this, it’s socially acceptable for her to be dating older guys? Honestly, i just don’t know what to do anymore. I spoke to a few close friends, which turned out to be a bad idea now that they won’t stop bringing it up, lesson learnt, don’t kiss and tell your private life next time. Opinions varied but the general conscience was that she was way too young and that it wasn’t worth my effort. The ideal age according to them would be when I’m 25 and she’s 18. Funny thing is that my parents likes the idea of me dating or possibly settling down with Anny, but it’s way too early to tell.

To be honest, i really do like her, but the age gap is a bit off putting. We get along pretty well and she’s fairly mature for her age.

What would be a good way to approach this?
* Wait a few years, keep in touch every now and then and see how things are when she’s older?
* Ask her out instead because i really do like her but opt to play it safe?
What do you think?

Continue reading 'Should I go out with a 13 year old? I’m 20'

Dear Bossy: I recently started a new part-time job so I can put myself through uni.  This job is perfect - the hours fit very tidily around my classes, it’s the kind of work you don’t bring home with you and my colleagues and managers are (mostly) fantastic.

I ride a motorcycle.  It’s not a plastic racing bike - it’s a chrome roadster with a large engine capacity.  It turns heads.  It’s a big, macho “man’s man” bike.  Despite this, I am a big softie and a bit of a square - not really your typical “man’s man”.  I ride at the speed limit (mostly because I am too poor to pay a speeding fine), I don’t cut up the middle of traffic, I don’t drink all that much, I’ve never touched drugs, I’m very conservative, I’m all about respecting people and I only have one girlfriend.  I am perfectly happy being a square with a fabulous bike.  I didn’t get it so that I could look like a man’s man - I got it because I love it and I like to go for nice relaxing rides up mountains with bendy roads.

As it turns out, one of the managers who interviewed me for this great job also rides a big man’s man chrome monster.  When he saw my bike, he immediately invited me to come on a ride with his club.  He said it was a day trip to a clubhouse a few hours away with a massive party that night.  There’d be booze, drugs and lots of naked women.  I know what you’re thinking guys, but that’s really not my scene.  I bowed out politely and said I had too much study to do that weekend.

(Despite appearances, I am not really that much of a dull creature.  I don’t spend all day, every day at the books.  I have a very active social life.  But I am also paying for this degree 100% out of my own pocket, and I am acutely aware of the fact that I’m paying close on $1000 for each subject I take, and that I don’t want to be working dead-end jobs for the rest of my life.) Two weeks later, he invited me on another ride - same deal.  This one was a joint affair with a different club at their clubhouse and they were apparently providing “entertainment”.  I said I was really far too busy.  He got a bit aggressive and said I should drop my studies if it was all so hard, and I had to come to the club house.  I laughed him off and said, sorry, I wouldn’t be able to make it.

I have started to avoid this manager because every time he sees me, he’s pushing me to go riding with his club.  He caught me in the office the other day, while a few people were hanging around and was making small talk.  I asked him how his trip up to the club house had been.  He gave a big, nervous laugh and said it was “family business” and he couldn’t talk about it with the others around.  I thought that was a bit odd, but later he caught me in a corridor and started telling me the party was amazing, and the p***y was really hot, and you’d have to have locked up your sisters if they’d been nearby, and a great ol’ time was had by all.  Especially, I gather, the “entertainment”.

There’s another ride scheduled for a few weeks from now that he is insisting I need to go on.  This one is all about the drugs, apparently.  There will be plenty for everyone.  Again, I told him I’m so busy I won’t be free until at least halfway through September (which is actually true).  This guy is putting more and more pressure on me to join him on these rides.  He has occasionally taken a bit of an aggressive tone.  I am feeling a little caged, like I’ve been invited to join a secret club of hardcore sex-fiend bikers who do lots of drugs, and enjoy some caring, sharing action, and if I say no, I’ll find myself on the wrong side of a secret club of hardcore sex-fiend bikers who do lots of drugs.

He’s a manager in my workplace and, realistically, if I’m going to keep the fab job (or make sure the job stays fab), I need to make sure I’m on good terms with him.

How can I tell this guy I’m not interested without causing problems at work?  Am I over-analysing this?  Do I just need to say, “Sorry, Bob, but I’m not interested in hanging out with you”?  I’m not very good at being firm and assertive like that.  In the past, I’ve found that playing the polite geek generally scares them away - who wants to hang out with a polite geek anyway?  Will I be followed home and beaten up if I give him a direct answer?  He has, after all, told me some of the “family business”.

Do you think it’s likely that he’s just a very insecure man who feels like he needs people to “get” how very cool he is, with his bikers and drugs and hot p***y?  And if so, why is he so keen to get me (a self-confessed nerd) on board?  I don’t get it.  I’m not exactly the cool kid you want to impress with your new skate board.  I have a long history of being the nerdy kid you hit over the head with your new skate board.  I don’t quite know what to make of this new situation.

I imagine this one will be a good candidate for Fruitcake Friday.
Gentle Biker

Continue reading 'How do I tell my biker boss I don’t want to go full bikie with him?'

Dear Bossy: I have been in a relationship with a guy for six months. Everything is great, we live together, we get along perfectly and we are very in love. We have been talking recently about buying a house together towards the end of next year. I know it is early stages yet, but I can see him as the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. We share everything together. Well, almost everything.

There is something I have been keeping from him and I’m not too sure how to approach the subject. I am in my early twenties and he is in his mid twenties. He is really good with his money and always has been, he has never had a loan and has always paid his credit card in full, whereas me I am not so good with money. I earn a good wage now, but when I was in my late teens I managed to get into a bit of debt. A personal loan, hire purchase, credit card and am still paying it all off. For a while I only made minimum repayments, never really taking full responsibility for the amount I owed until the end of last year (just before I met John) when I realised that I needed to do something about it and start paying it off properly and clear the whole amount for my life to ever move forward.

What I intended to do is pay off the amount I owe (which is just under 10k) without telling him - which I have been doing so far in the six months we have been together. However I can’t help but feel somewhere along the line a question may arise along the lines of where does all your money go.

So my question is, do I tell him about my debt? I know the reason I haven’t told him so far is because I am worried that he may see me in a different light. I know he wont love me any less, but I am just a bit embarrassed to tell him about the debt I owe and how in the past I have been really careless with my money. It is my problem, I got myself into this mess and I will get myself out. But as I share everything with this man that I love, should I also share this? Your advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks bossy and readers.

Continue reading 'I owe a lot of money. Should I tell my boyfriend?'

Dear Bossy: I have a bit of a dilema that I would like your opinion on. I will keep it short and sweet.

A few years ago I applied to join the Australian Defence Force. My application was rejected on medical grounds: vericocele on left testicle. I was informed that in order to join the ADF I would have to have the testicle removed.

“No thanks. Goodbye.” Was pretty much my response.

Recently I started reconsidering my application. I’ve started thinking about all the benefits from joining the defence, and I’m pretty keen to go in and fly a helicopter.

While I’m fine with the idea of having the testicle removed if it means I can fly, I don’t know how I feel about having it removed in general (if that makes sense).

Some finer details:

I have never had any problems, doctors say it is not a problem, but the ADF said it had to go in order to join.

I am currently 26.

I have a loving partner of 3 years, and she is with me 100% in my choices.

Currently childless, but looking to have one if and before I am shipped off.

While I have my own, conflicting, opinions about having the testicle removed, I’d very much appreciate reading what other people have to say about it. Especially those already in the ADF.

Continue reading 'Should I cut off part of my manhood to pursue my career?'

Dear Bossy: I would like not to use the term ‘ex-husband’.  Our divorce was amicable and we still respect each other, however the connotations of ‘ex’ are usually bad or a bit low brow.  Is there some other term to use in its place?

Cheers,
Curious about etiquette.

Continue reading 'How can I find a better name for my ex husband?'

Back Monday. Thanks for your patience