Kate de Brito
Wednesday, August 04, 2010 at 08:05am
Dear Bossy: I’m writing to you with hope that you can help me shed some light on why things happen in my personal life, and what i can do to resolve those things making me unhappy.
I feel really happy and fulfilled in all areas outside of my love life - career, family, friends, sports etc etc. It’s all going great and I’m healthy and confident and good. However, the last two years, i’ve had multiple experiences in my romantic life that make me question my own judgement and leave me feeling, well, worthless and unloved.
Let me take you through the details.
Two years ago, i caught my partner sleeping with another girl in our bed. I moved out and broke it off with him.
Last year, i met someone i felt a real connection with. He was warm and intelligent and thoughtful, and i really felt good around him. I heard gossip from other people about him cheating, but when i confronted him to ask him why people would say such things, he assured me he was devoted to me. Several months later, he confessed that he had another girlfriend, not just me. I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach. I cut all ties with him, and looking back, i know that i had my part to play in the situation, because, just like last time when there had been signs, i ignored them. Not because i didn’t want them to be true, but because i guess i just trusted blindly. You know the saying, a liar won’t believe anyone else? Well, i guess being someone who wouldn’t cheat made me ignorant of the idea that others do.
It took another 6 months before i met someone i was attracted to, who i had started off being friends with. I just felt like a casual fling, he was not my type at all romantically, and I advised him that while I enjoyed his friendship, I wasn’t able to offer him anything more. One night this guy sent me a message saying he had just been on a date, and that he’d had an amazing time, but the girl in question wouldn’t have sex on the first date....so could he come over? Again, I acknowledge my part in this by wanting a casual fling, but I guess I thought one could be conducted with dignity and respect.
Fast forward another couple of months, I got to know this really lovely guy at work. I was just friends with him for a long time, not good friends, but i felt i knew enough about him. I’ve seen him take care of another colleague who was sick, he has photos of his nieces and nephews on his desk, and he gets physically uneasy when one of our male colleagues makes inappropriate comments. I guess what I’m saying is that this time around, I took the time to try to pick up on cues that tell me what a man’s really like before dating him. Anyhow, I went to lunch a few times with him, and I really felt he was genuine and compassionate and interested in me. We went on a couple of dates, and they were really great. We went out for a coffee after work and talked for four hours. I had been very cautious about dating given my previous experiences, but felt that he was trustworthy and honest.
Two days later, my other colleague, who had recently broken up with his work girlfriend, came to me and asked me to coffee (not knowing i was seeing this colleague - i wanted to keep it quiet at such an early stage). During coffee, my friend broke down and told me that his ex had told him she’s started seeing someone else....yep, you guessed it, my new guy.
Bossy, I feel like I’m a hamster in a wheel, running on the same path making the same mistakes over and over again. I don’t want to make these mistakes. I thought I’d learned from the first two cheaters, but it’s becoming a pattern that is hurting so much, and I want to break it.
To an extent, I hold these guys responsible for their own behaviour, but deep in my heart I feel like this is happening because 1. I am not picking up on signals that i should, and 2. I am sending out signals that i am deserving of this.
Bossy, I’m swearing off men for a little while until I get my head straight. At the moment I just feel too fragile and too suspicious, which is definitely not a good mix for a potential future!
I guess I’m just seeking your advice on a couple of things:
Firstly, how can i better screen guys? What’s wrong with me that the men i’ve dated in the last two years consider me just discardable and unworthy of honesty and fidelity? How can I paint myself in a diffferent light?
Secondly, I feel like dirt. I feel worthless and discardable… some of these guys have gone on to be in successful relationships, so it feels to me like they have the capacity to respect, but not to respect me. How can I overcome these feelings? What can I do to feel good about myself again?
Finally, when it’s time for me to be ready to date again, how can I develop a balance between being jaded and cynical, and being naive?
I know I’m imperfect. I can learn a lot and I accept my role in these situations. I just feel so used and useless right now, and I don’t know how to fix it.
Thank you,
Cheated
Bossy says: You’ve had some bad luck, no doubt about that. But I figure things are on the mend. The first two guys actually DID cheat on you while you were in a relationship...the second two cheated BEFORE you were exclusive.
Essentially you are starting to spot an arse hat much earlier in the piece.
I completely agree with your current plan to swear off men for a while. A break will do good. But make sure while doing that you haven’t sworn off men completely. Make sure you remember that for every dick wad there is another top shelf bloke.
How do you pick them? Well, like anything, it’s a matter of luck to some degree, but also about trusting your judgment.
You say you have started to doubt your ability to pick men but really your judgment was probably fine in the first place. You knew deep down that something was amiss in both the first relationships. And even when it came to the second two blokes who were not exclusive, you discovered things were not right before the relationships got too serious. That’s saying something.
You think just because you didn’t spot them straight away your radar is faulty. But no-one has a a fool proof cheater radar. Cheating is a facet of human behaviour, not a personal failing of yous.
I expect you do have a trusting nature. And it may be you have trouble discerning the difference between someone genuinely interested and someone who is just charming.
But part of growing up is recognising that not everyone is out for our best interests. Just as part of being grown up is being able to pursue close connections without getting hurt every time.
I don’t believe you purposely go for cheaters but you may be looking for a certain type of guy. And you may need to start looking smarter or differently in that respect.
Try not to be too disheartened. Or scared, when you do meet someone. But also don’t be timid about looking beyond people’s words to the way they act; don’t be afraid to question whether someone is just telling you what you want to hear or really telling you like it is.
Learn to tell the difference between a man who is attentive and flattering and a man who is truly smitten.
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140 Comments
C’mon, the last two had no reason not to see anyone else, what do you expect? A charter of fidelity after a coffee and a blow job?
Anyway, here’s a little hint or two.
Caring about nieces/nephews and cheating are not mutually exclusive.
Not laughing at ribald jokes doesn’t mean he doesn’t like shagging chicks.
You’ve got your values all wrong.
Wed 04 Aug 10 (08:26am)
Wed 04 Aug 10 (12:10pm)
World’s Greatest Uncle - ha ha ha, that’s gold!
Wed 04 Aug 10 (03:42pm)
But not Father of the Year award, apparently
He should get a world’s greatest uncle cup
Kate de Brito
Wed 04 Aug 10 (11:30am)
Wow. You went through four “serious” relationships in two years.
Well, at least in your mind they were apparently “serious” enough that you considered them to be “exclusive” despite not having had that conversation with the actual man involved in the supposedly “serious” relationship in two instances.
I think you need to take some time and learn to enjoy being single. It sounds like you just jump from guy to guy to guy to guy even where you’re not that interested in the guy in question. You even say that Man No. 3 was not your “type” romantically and that it was just a “casual thing” yet you seem to consider him going on a date with another girl (with no sex) to be “cheating”.
Take some time to explore some activities and hobbies that have always interested you, whether that is a cooking class, a Zumba class or a 3-month long trek through South America. In undertaking these activities you might meet a guy that interests you or you might not. It doesn’t matter!
Also, do NOT assess every guy you meet for his “relationship potential” and don’t pick a guy based on the photos he keeps on his desk. Take your time to build up friendships with guys and get to know them a little better before you ask them on a date. And if you’re a “one person at a time” kind of girl and you expect any boyfriend to be the same, then let any new man in your life know that you expect the relationship to be “exclusive” early on.
Good luck.
Wed 04 Aug 10 (08:29am)
Wed 04 Aug 10 (01:08pm)
She DIDN’T consider the third guy to be cheating. She thought they were friends having a fling, and he treated her like a free whore. He was free to date other people, his phone call was deeply disrespectful.
Wed 04 Aug 10 (02:46pm)
C’mon Ellen, it was a booty call. If you’re friends with a casual relationship then this is exactly what it means. He wanted a release, so he called in for booty.
I turned down a girl at work and she rang her guy friend for a booty call. I wasn’t offended, I’m pretty sure he wasn’t either as he got booty. Everyone’s a winner… just maybe not morally or ethically if you are not that way inclined.
Wed 04 Aug 10 (04:23pm)
”his phone call was deeply disrespectful”
Was it?? really?? tactless perhaps, but i wouldnt go so far as to say ‘deeply disrespectful’.
The guy probably should have had a bit more tact, and perhaps chosen not to mention his date earlier in the night… but in the cold light of day, she was having a casual fling with this guy, and he gave her a booty call.
sounds about par for the course for a casual, no-strings-attached fling to me.
Wed 04 Aug 10 (04:51pm)
That’s right, casual relationships need to be full of deep respect for each other. What he SHOULD have done is just say that he wanted to see the girl. She didnt need to know about the date. It’s exactly the same circumstances, but presentation definitely counts
Wed 04 Aug 10 (10:28pm)
Honestly, I don’t buy this ‘exclusive’ bs if you are going on a date with someone then in my opinion both parties should be freely available for whatever kind of relationship both parties agree to (i.e. NOT having another couple of bites on the line). It keeps it much simpler that way. As for you OP do as Bossy says take some time off men but don’t be closed off just in case He pops up. Also maybe you should examine the kind of men you’ve dated if there’s a pattern then change it. I agreed to go on a date with a man who really wasn’t my ‘type’ after being betrayed by a man who was exactly my ‘type’. Fast track 3 years later we’re getting married in 2 weeks and I couldn’t be happier. Opposites do attract, don’t be afraid to try someone new and completely different, it sounds like that’s exactly what you need.
Thu 05 Aug 10 (08:41am)
There’s a world of difference between “Hey, we’re friends, let’s have casual sex” and “hey, this super hot chick won’t let me fuck her, can you throw ‘em open for a few minutes, thanks”.
If you’d be happy with the latter, that’s fine, but most people would be grossly insulted.
Oh. Well, this is a tough one. The OP cannot really complain about the last two - it seems as though she confused “casual” with “expecting the man to sit on his hands while she makes her mind up” in the first instance and well, two dates and coffee does not mean a tremendous amount (unless you think it does).
It could just be the circles that the OP runs around in, which exposes to her to such guys. Or maybe she just goes for the sort of guys that many other women would throw themselves at. I don’t know.
However, if I just socialised in one type of establishment with the same sort of people over and over again, and this resulted in bad outcomes for myself, I would take steps to extricate myself from those circumstances and try something different. In fact, this is exactly what I’ve done, and my life is a whole lot better.
Wed 04 Aug 10 (08:31am)
Wed 04 Aug 10 (01:16pm)
I think there’s a difference between a ‘casual fling’ and getting a booty call because his date for the night wouldn’t put out. Although at least he was being honest about his reasons!
Well, like many of these problems sent in, I notice there really isn’t much more than a stock standard background given. Also, there’s no real self analysis looking at faults that your personally might have.
Nonetheless some of these guys have cheated. I’m not going to count the non exclusive cheating, because that’s not cheating, the boundaries of the relationship haven’t been set. They are merely friends with benefits.
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it strange that more than one of these occurances seems to be starting in the workplace? I could forgive 1 or 2, but it seems like more than that. If this is the case, you should be looking broader a field. Work place relationships are great when they are successful, but as soon as they fail they are a nightmare.
I suggest you do some community work, hit the library or start going to church, you might find a guy with more solid foundation of morality in these places.
Young guys often grab whatever is on the table, they are young, and are framing up their margins for what they want in a girl too. Stick to the guys who are a bit older and don’t want games, the ones that want to build something with you.
Wed 04 Aug 10 (08:31am)
Wed 04 Aug 10 (12:41pm)
I was 16 when i swore off game playing in relationships… bloody women.
Wed 04 Aug 10 (01:44pm)
Poor Brog, didn’t get the milky bar you wanted and ended up with a 5 year old choo choo bar from the easter show.
Never mind there’s always second life.
Wed 04 Aug 10 (07:00pm)
Um, how is it older guys are any better?
Most young guys are users.
Older guys,all say their separated but are really married.
Well, that is what I have found.
Usually its easy getting rid of most guys, their only after sex, another notch on the bed post so they can brag to their mates and then they move on to the next poor sucker really quick but you get some persistent ones. Their always after something
I’ve tried to be genuine (not expecting anything but friends) so I cannot be bothered anymore. Not wasting anymore of my time or effort
A guy I met a few years ago, said he couldn’t even be friends cause he “got a girlfriend"and she’d be jealous.
There is nothing worse than these stupid, jealous bitches when I’m not even interested in their stupid man anyway. I would not want them if they had a piece of red f%$kin ribbon tied around their necks
What I will never understand is, these guys who make some women think their interested when their not and lead them on.
I could never be nice and pretend I like someone.
What is so hard about being honest and upfront about not being interested? seems to be too much to expect anymore.
As much as I know that it is universal with men being the bastards that they are, I won’t meet anymore aussie men.
I’m f$%kin over it.
Probably a good thing I’m moving from aus. Fresh start and complete new change will do me good I think.
Thu 05 Aug 10 (09:42am)
Terri
I know how you feel.... although I think you’ve written off the entire male half of the country based on bad experiences.
I think you’ll be surprised when you move to the “better land"… I suspect you’ll find things the same.
My ex husband cheated.... multiple times in a short amount of time. So I do know where you’re coming from. He’s of a european background. My current (australian) bopyfriend is absolutely lovely, respectful and has done nothing to indicate he’d even consider cheating.
The good guys are out there
Thu 05 Aug 10 (11:49am)
Quick someone call Terri the WAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMBBBBBBUUUULLLLAAANNNCCCCCEEEE!!!!
Men treat you like that because they can and you let them. Sucker.
Thu 05 Aug 10 (11:57am)
Typical DR, Dont know what your talking about so make it up.
Thu 05 Aug 10 (12:50pm)
That’s pretty foul terri but i totally understand where your comming from, i feel the same about aussie women. or as BTDT mentioned its likely like that everywhere.
The guys in your example are just kids wether its childish in the head or actual children is another thing.
Guys have the Guy thing of boasting and that but if you ask me its all bullshit, end of the day they go home lonely, i think its likely a case of they’re scared of investing in a relationship then getting hurt if it doesnt work out aswell as copping shit from friends because you got dumped. I wear my heart on my sleave, gotta take risks to reap rewards its obvious, never afraid to go against the grain and the male antics is just an act. That being said it doesnt make them any better prospective partners
I think it will be like that anywhere, theres asshats and good guys in any place/language but once a girl gets a good guy or vice versa they tend to stick with them dont they
My wife to be is asian, i dont have alotta the entitled BS that alot of aussie girls feel not to mention the materialism.
dropkick, i’ve read your response 3x and i still dont get it, i think its an attempt at an insult.
YOU live upto your name.
Thu 05 Aug 10 (04:35pm)
Well brog,I’m sure the asian women like their versace shoes and handbags too. Can’t say their not materialistic, otherwise they’d be wearing sneakers and canvas handbags.
Doesn’t matter whether they are russian or asian, their all materialistic to a degree.
Maybe if you get divorced, then you’ll see who’s materialistic, everybody wants the money then.
For the record, I’m not materialistic. I’m not into having the best shoes, in fact I hate shoe shopping especially since I have broad feet and cars, I dont even have a car I drive a scooter lol, not into big houses as I live in a tent, lol! joke.
And, when I move I’ll be buying myself a small place (maybe a cottage). There is a few reasons (not just for that reason) I am actually leaving too by the way. I realise there is arseholes everywhere.
I read somewhere on a post on here a while back on some topic, a guy says that unless their rich or a football star, aussie women won’t go near you. Well, maybe that is true for some, but I couldn’ t give a flying fart in space about football or any of the football stars and well, rich it doesn’t take a genius to know money doesn’t buy happiness. When your dead it won’t matter(although, some will be dead rich).
I still like a few nice things which I think everyone is entitled to. Can’t see anything wrong with that
Anyway,I’m not like my sister some needy, pathetic creature. Since I don’t trust men enough and never will, I prefer to be on my own and happy to stay that way, even if its til the day I die.
Some people are like that I guess, they will just take anything they can get hence why they will cling onto these dead relationships with deadset losers.
Congrats on the wife to be.
Thu 05 Aug 10 (04:46pm)
Who cares if you don’t get it Brog. I won’t lose sleep tonight.
Terri you will find exactly the same problems when you move overseas, because you can’t leave your personal problems behind you. And that is what’s happening here. It’s sad that guys treated you badly, but news flash. Men and women treat each other very badly. They lie and cheat and tease and play games. These are all part of the games of partnership. Play the game, don’t sit on the sidelines because you got tackled, get back up and find you way to the goals.
Forgot to add,
Don’t beat yourself up because some shithead thinks it’s good to shag other chicks.
He’s the one with the problem, you’ve just been unlucky a couple of time. The second pair just seem bad because of the first pair.
Every morning just look in the mirror and tell yourself how good you are.
Wed 04 Aug 10 (08:32am)
Wed 04 Aug 10 (11:44am)
Yeah, I’m getting soft.
Wed 04 Aug 10 (12:57pm)
Thats what SHE said!
Wed 04 Aug 10 (02:55pm)
Ooohh, snap!!!
Wed 04 Aug 10 (03:08pm)
Like that fairytale: You have to kiss a few toads before you find one that turns into a prince
Fri 06 Aug 10 (10:44am)
Articulate… A toad in the hole is worth two in the bush.
Shane you’re such a snag
Kate de Brito
Wed 04 Aug 10 (11:32am)
It will be a tough one. I have never cheated, but coming from a sporting background, I am one of the “lads”. In my circle of friends, half would be cheaters, and i can guarantee you could never tell which ones.
I think a lot of luck is involved. some who seem quite, sincere and shy, first chance they get they take it as they have never really had many offers. Others who are loud and larger than life, would never do it. But then other friends who are loud, larger than life types have a whole string. Some are charmers who can make women believe what they want (and some of them are faithful and some aren’t) or some change and become faithful where others change after 10 yrs and want to try it. Its a crap shoot, really it is..
I am a male, and have associated with thousands of guys out and about. And i can’t tell who would and who would not given the chance. Sad but true.
Just luck unfortunately.
Wed 04 Aug 10 (08:40am)
Wed 04 Aug 10 (12:15pm)
So very true, Steve. It took me a long time to lighten up and try not to invest too much too soon or to make judgments too soon.
You just don’t know who or what you’re dealing with in the early days, OP, so don’t be so down on yourself!
It is so hard getting the balance right between not expecting too much too soon, and expecting so little you’re asking for a face plant.
OP, you sound like you’re doing as well as most of us so don’t get paranoid! You win some, you lose some. If things don’t work out just pick yourself up, learn if there was anything to be learnt and move on and hope for the best next time.
When it’s an exclusive relationship, OP, I admit I am rigid about no cheating like you are. It works for me, but not for others. For me it’s non negotiable and I make that clear up front. If I find out my guy is messing around outside our relationship, that’s his choice and it’s time to move on.
I want to trust and let my guy have a long leash. I don’t want to keep him on a short leash or waste time and energy checking and worrying about where he is and what he’s up to.
Go for it, OP - don’t be scared to be out there, but just keep your expectations and dreams in check!
Wed 04 Aug 10 (12:54pm)
It’s pretty hard to find a guy that will stay faithful when offered an opportunity for sex. Sad but true.
Every guy I know has cheated, even the ones you thought never would. They’re clueless retards basically.
Wed 04 Aug 10 (02:25pm)
So true, it is a shame though but true nonetheless.
Maybe it shows we should pick as wisely as we can and if it doesn’t turn out well pick orselves up and remember the time before the end.
As the saying goes
The beggining is wonderful, the end hurts but it is the in between that counts the most .....
Wed 04 Aug 10 (02:52pm)
As a friend once said to me, if the guy is too wasted in the pants he wont go looking for it elsewhere, indeed wont be able to perform if he thought about it. So shag the crap out of him everyday and he wont look elsewhere.
Simple really.
Thu 05 Aug 10 (09:44am)
Give him sex every day or he’ll stray. Weak. I wouldn’t recommend taking your friend’s advice, Brett. It’s a cop out giving your friend a guilt free licence to cheat! (Hopefully OP doesn’t come across your friend - last thing she needs).
Thu 05 Aug 10 (01:02pm)
I don’t condone cheating at all or entirely agree with Brett or Brett’s friend, but it is kinda accurate.
You do have to fulfill his needs or he will go elsewhere like is to be expected if your partner wasn’t filling your needs, you should split with your partner if you cannot get what you need from the relationship.
In the above scenarios the relationship is ending one way or another, truth be told if a guy dumped you and slept with someone else you would still label him a cheater anyway.
i mean if your in a busted , unsatisfying relationship, and someone else offers you what you need its definitely hard to say no.
Just to call him Weak because he got his needs met elsewhere is a bit rude, i doubt very much she simply wouldn’t put out for the night its likely she’d refused for months now and enough’s enough.
Having said that I’ve never cheated on anyone nor will i , splits ville is but a phone call away at worst.
The relationship needs to work for all parties involved in order to have one.
I’m a bit confused. How did men three and four cheat on you? By my understanding, man three made no bones about wanting a fling and you agreed after having told him he wasn’t your type. What does it say about you that you are not letting this incident make you feel bad about yourself? Man four - it seems you went on a few dates. Were you in a relationship? I don’t have any problem with seeing several men at once, as long as no one has any false ideas about what is going on.
My advice is that you need boundaries. If everything was as great in your life as you say, these men would not be able to make you feel bad about yourself, much less able to question your self-worth. Your self worth is about YOU and your behaviour, not about how some dude treats you.
If it was about someone else, then you should feel really bad when potatoes (where are you potatoes? I miss you) or ironmike says something flippant and trolly to you and surely you know that’s not right.
Wed 04 Aug 10 (08:55am)
OP, quite looking around for a reason these guys are doing this… Just look in the mirror…
Accept that you are the common denominator here…
Ask yourself why these guys don’t commit to you? what are you lacking?
Or is it that you just don’t come across as “the one for them"…
Wed 04 Aug 10 (08:58am)
Wed 04 Aug 10 (02:45pm)
Oh come on Wayne !!
Seems like the only ones lacking are the unfaithful 2 guys and the 1 disrespectul guy .
You don’t blame a girl or guy for other peoples sleezy behavior !!
Obviously she hasn’t met the right guy for her yet, thats all .
Thu 05 Aug 10 (11:52am)
Oh Come On Tash,
If this was a man talking about how women treat him badly and nice guys finish last, most of the women on this blog would be saying that there must be something wrong with the guy.
OP needs to look at herself and try and find out what she’s doing wrong too.
There are only three possible explanations:
(1) You are somehow emnating pheremones that scream “Walk on me! I am worthless!” to the men that you meet / hang around with…
(2) You are constantly (and foolishly) attracted to men who you subconciously know want to deceive you.
(3) You have had a seriously bad run of luck…
I am inclined to guess that it is option (3) that you are dealing with.
Keep your pants on for a couple of months, dont listen to your ‘internal compass’ (which is apparently utterly broken), and take a breather from the man-hunt. If and when you do meet someone who you reckon is a bit of alright, just point-blank him and tell him that you are concerned he is going to prove to be a cheating bastard. This will either scare him off (because it is (a) true or (b) he is afraid of you being a mental) or will cause him to go out of his way to prove to you otherwise.
Stalking people can also lead to a wealth of information, so you could try that at the start of your relationship with the next guy…
Just a thought.
Wed 04 Aug 10 (08:58am)
Wed 04 Aug 10 (02:00pm)
4) It is also possible that she has had relationships with so many different guys that the law of averages says that some of them are going to sleep around. Maybe, only maybe.
I have the same problem with rose tinted glasses - you like someone and you only see the best in them. Then when they turn out to not have the best intentions, you feel crushed. And blame yourself, wondering what you did wrong. Usually giving too much too soon and being too trusting, making yourself a doormat. I buy into the whole “people treat you how you ask to be treated” philosophy, and I’m currently trying to fix how I’m asking to be treated. And like you, taking some time off from the dating world to strenghten myself. Good luck.
Wed 04 Aug 10 (09:06am)
Wed 04 Aug 10 (12:59pm)
Ditto to what ohno said.
OP I’ve spent years working out what it is about me that makes men think they can walk all over me.
I’m nearly at the point where the ‘arseholes please apply here’ sign is gone from my forehead!
After psychological counselling (for my crap childhood which is the foundation of many self esteem issues) I’m pretty sure that when I do head into relationship waters again I will do so with far more self respect and boundaries than before.
Have a bit of ‘You’ time. Try something new: Travel, start a new hobby, learn to dance, go to church, start a doomsday cult…
You cant possibly know how to get the best out of a relationship when you dont know how to get the best out of you.
Sing it with me: “I’ve been to paradise but I’ve… never been to me....”
Good luck
Its not cheating if you aren’t exclusive. You shouldn’t assume exclusivity from date 1.
I’ve dated plenty of girls that have options and who are seeing other guys at the same time, but they’re discreet and don’t wave it in front of my face. I do the same thing likewise.
My attitude is that I’m having fun dating multiple people and that when I meet the right one I’ll settle into a relationship.
You might want to be aware of the reality that if a man is very attractive and good with women then he probably has options that he wants to explore.
If you are really the right one for him, he will choose you, so don’t worry about the future.
Wed 04 Aug 10 (09:34am)
Hi Cheated,
You sound like a very ethical and insightful person. Naturally, you want a guy who shares your ethics. Maybe you should have a good think about what your ethics are and join a group that shares your ethics (No cults, though). This strategy, though not fool proof, might increase your probability of finding the kind of guy you’re after.
Best of Luck.
Wed 04 Aug 10 (09:37am)
A couple of questions for you to reflect on, OP:
1) Do you have sex too early on in a relationship? Do the guys you’re seeing see you as ‘easy come, easy go’?
2) Do you allow men to ‘win’ your affections before you give them affection? ie, do you jump in too fast?
3) Here’s some classic hallmarks of a douchebag, that will help signal to you whether a guy is either just-not-worth-it nor just-not-that-into-you:
* Texting more often than calling
* Showing up late and/or drunk
* Booty calling
* Not introducing you to his friends / family within a month or two of dating
* Not respecting your need to take it slow (I’m talking waiting for 3-4 dates, not 3-4 years!)
These seem really obvious I know, but lots of women just don’t seem to get that they need to respect themselves before a guy will respect them. I’m not sure if this is you OP, maybe you’ve just had bad luck.
I hope your situation improves, OP. Good luck. There are lots of decent, loving men out there.
Wed 04 Aug 10 (09:41am)
Wed 04 Aug 10 (01:14pm)
What an Absolute load of shit, giving both men and women a bad name, hate to break it to you princess but theres GOOD people out there and BAD people out there, that’s life, your going to find plenty of bad and atleast a few good in your lifetime END OF STORY.
For my own enjoyment im going to apply kiwi_ethels theory out.
How to stop getting cheated on by partners?
A) Never date again ever under any circumstances.
While no self respect might assist them in disrespecting you, bottom line if a guy is an asshat then thats what he is, he isnt an asshat for a set period of time he is an asshat .
Finding love is a minefield hit & miss, align yourself in an area where you have something in common with the people your trying to pickup then play roulette. You win some you loose some, you can either keep trying backed with hope or give up.
Wed 04 Aug 10 (04:27pm)
BroG - Ethel has merit, she’s saying how to spot a douchebag and the points she has given are how a lot of doucehbags operate. Relax yourself.
Thu 05 Aug 10 (08:03am)
Actually BroG, I’ve NEVER had a bad experience with a man. Because I apply these rules, and I have a very good ‘bullshit-artist’ detector. And I respect myself, and don’t give my very valuable love away for free. All my boyfriends, and now my husband, have been 100% ‘good men’. Works for me.
Man, you have the best replies Bossy
Wed 04 Aug 10 (09:46am)
I’ll keep it simple…
Because they want too…
Wed 04 Aug 10 (10:04am)
I’d hate to give you some tough love, I’m probably making some assumptions, but this is maybe a case of why nice guys say they finish last.
I have several female friends who can’t resist being attracted to a player, and then lament the fact that they get played.
Could also mean that all men are bastards....except me!
Wed 04 Aug 10 (10:10am)
Thu 05 Aug 10 (11:55am)
Yep, great point. I go to the gym, lift weights, 5’11, look after myself, got a good job, car, own home, typical nice bloke, never cheated and never get any women. The women end up choosing the asshole because he flatters with BS and appears more fun, rather than being real.
Thu 05 Aug 10 (12:31pm)
I agree, why do women date players and then wonder why the got played?
there are nice guys out there but they aren’t going to ask out a girl making goo-goo eyes at some hot guy that is obviously going to play her.
OP you sound like a sweety,
you can go out with me if you like?
do you live in melbourne?
Wed 04 Aug 10 (10:19am)
Never forget the golden rule, OP: men are like carparks. All the good ones are taken, and what’s left is handicapped.
I’ve recently been physically assaulted by a man who spent 18 months convincing me that he wasn’t capable of behaving as my ex did. He had me (and my family and friends) convinced that he was a decent bloke. Ha. The joke’s on us, I guess.
It will be a cold day in hell before I trust another man again.
Singledom rocks.
Wed 04 Aug 10 (10:20am)
Wed 04 Aug 10 (01:46pm)
Terrible to hear about your past experiences, especially the physical assault. Although you might be enjoying single life just remember that for every good girl that takes herself out of the game because of bad boys, there’s another good guy who misses out and so does that girl. Unfortunately it seems to be a common trend amongst women to choose incompatible partners who are bad for them and often overlook the option which is better suited.
I was just about to say that not all the good guys are taken as I believe I’m one of the good ones and so are a lot of the guys I associate with. Then I realised I’ve been happily taken for almost two years and so have the majority of them!
So maybe all the good guys are taken, I doubt it as it’s unlikely, but maybe you’re all looking in the wrong places for the wrong people.
Personally I believe that there are more good guys out there than the opposite it’s just that like I mentioned above girls just seem to make bad decisions. Now don’t get me wrong, not all girls choose bad partners and it’s not only girls who subject themselves to bad partners it just seems to be a more common thing amongst females, the whole bad boy image maybe?
Wed 04 Aug 10 (09:50pm)
My sister seems to be one of those. Jumps from one bad guy to the next. She is over 30 and has two kids.
I don’t think she will ever wake up until something really bad happens. Sad that thats what it takes sometimes, for people to.
Worse if they have kids, their the ones who suffer.
It’s because women who have low self esteem and low confidence tend to go for no hopers. She hasn’t set any standards for herself.
It’s these no hopers and losers that are ruining their lives.
Thu 05 Aug 10 (08:36am)
Hey Wisdom,
Good advice but if women had to pick based on compatibility we’d all be lesbians!
Thu 05 Aug 10 (10:27pm)
Oh, but I wasn’t looking, Wisdom! I had made my peace with being single after my kids father had belted me up hill and down dale for 7 years. It took a while, but I had decided that I could be happily single, I didn’t need a man by my side, it was just me and my kids and I was fine with that. I was truly happy being single.
But this guy slyly convinced me, over time, that he wasn’t like that, he couldn’t understand why men hit women, his previous and current (lesbian… that’s a whole ‘nother story) wives were at fault in their relationship breakdowns. He was perfect. Just ask him. He told me this week that I was just ‘playing the victim’!
My ability to trust men was damaged before him. Now I have no ability to trust. Never again can I believe a guy who says “I would never hit a woman”. Never. Ever. Again.
Bossy, I’m interested in the line ‘I don’t believe you purposely go for cheaters but you may be looking for a certain type of guy.’ I would think any guy, given the right circumstance makes a choice to either keep it in his pants or not. I muse as to if you know what type of guy is more prone to cheating?
OP, do not for a minute blame yourself for another’s cheating behaviour. There are genuine guys out there that wont cheat, unfortunately you sometimes have to wade through the asshats to get the pick of the litter.
Wed 04 Aug 10 (10:24am)
Wed 04 Aug 10 (03:55pm)
Her ideal man could be a well dressed, smooth talking gym junkie, who confidently approaches women with a well rehearsed routine and a knack for subtle flattery.
No but some people are more inclined to bullshitting. It’s good to be able to spot a bullshit artist.
Kate de Brito
Wed 04 Aug 10 (11:33am)
I really feel for you! I went through similiar circumstances years ago. I was also very trusting, as I was not a cheater. I avoided the smooth talking guys like the plague, but still managed to hook up with guys who liked girl hopping. I decided to take a different approach and met someone through an agency who was looking for a long term relationship and marriage. Though I was not physically attracted to this man at first, he did seem, nice, honest and genuine. I decided to remain friends. Fast forward a couple of months, I actually found myself constantly thinking of him and realised I had become attracted to him and saw him as something more. He also felt the same. Friends could see the very close connection we had, to the point that one particular friend left her fiance because she wanted that connection with a partner and didn’t feel she had it with her fiance. We were together for over 4 years in what was a happy, normal relationship. One day he comes home from work and pulls the plug and says he’s met someone else, just like that. No explainations, it was just over. I thought I had changed my approach and the kind of guy I was choosing for a partner, but it still happened. Maybe I just got unlucky again! Though from being a nice and trusting kind of person without being niave, I’ve become suspicious, and disbelieving of what men tell me. I really don’t like the way I think. I have been in a relationship for a good 8 years now, and even though my partners actions speak, that he is here for the long haul, I still have trust issues because of my past. Now I find myself checking phones,emails and round about questioning him if he’s a little late home from work. These are my issues and I realise this and am trying to overcome them. I truley loved my partner before my present partner and didn’t see any warning signs, their were no majour problems or trust issues in the relationship. I guess I’ve just got my eyes wide open now, for any signs. Unfortunately, it has changed who I am to a degree and now find myself a much more cynical person.
Wed 04 Aug 10 (10:29am)
Wed 04 Aug 10 (04:20pm)
I feel for you Rooney. I had that exact same experience a year ago. It is horrible, and something you don’t wish on your worst enemy (if you have one or not). It does change you. No doubt about that.