Kate de Brito
Wednesday, August 04, 2010 at 08:03am
Dear Bossy; This is going to sound complicated so I’ll try and simplify it as much as possible.
I got married last month and my mum had issues with our relationship and wanted us to put off the wedding to a time that better suited the family i.e. when she could accept my husband. We disagreed with this as we have been in a very healthy relationship for 3.5 yrs before we got married. My husband loves me, makes me feel secure financially & emotially, has never physically or verbally abused me and I’ve never called my family to say we were ever having problems in our relationship. We were more than ready for marriage. No matter how much I reassured her she never believed me.
So where did the problems start you ask? Well 18mths ago we moved from Sydney to Perth for my husbands work and my mum tried to make me move back to Sydney and pretty much didn’t think my relationship was serious and that I only moved to Perth for the fun of it. She claims she’s even more protective because she can’t see us everyday - even through we lived in Sydney for 2yrs of our relationship and she never made the effort to see us and when we went to see her she seemed to ‘forget’ that we were coming. So she never made my husband feel welcome.
So we got married - and my mum didn’t go the wedding. I saw her in the morning and she went up to her room, closed the door and that was the last time I saw her. My mum also told just about every family member how selfish we were being and who knows what else which I was absolutly mortified because I did not think this disagreement involved them and caused more tension. But we did not let this ruin our wedding day - in fact we really enjoyed the whole day and can;t believe how fast it went.
So we get back from the honeymoon and my mum sent me a letter, typed, signed off and was registered. In this letter she disowned me as apparently I had used her love and concern to make my husband hate her and she could have nothing to do with me while I did this. For the record, my husband does not hate her, this is her own assumption. She definitly is not his most favourite person and she has made things very hard for us by just not accepting us.
So I’m at the end of my tether after that letter and I have no will to try and make her see she’s making absurb assumptions and it’s just an excuse because we did not put off our wedding to a time that suited her. In my wildest dreams I didn’t think she’d ever disown me. She went through periods of not talking to me until we got councelling (which we did but obviously didn’t work), I’ve been back to Sydney several times since the start of the year to sort things out with but did not help either. All I wanted was us to accept us, but at the same time I did not want her to think she had final decisions in my relationship with my husband.
So my question is, how do I move on now? My mum is a bitter angry person and I don’t want to end up like that. Is there anybody out there in a similar situation?
Disowned
Bossy says: Your mum sounds punishing. Quite apart from ‘who said what’ and ‘who did what’ and ‘who is talking to who’ or ‘disowning who’, you have to be clear on a few things. When you grow up you are expected to loosen the ties you had to your parents when you were a child.
This does not mean you cannot be in loving contact with them, talk to them, listen to them and respect their opinions. But it does mean they need to understand after years of looking after you, you you are now an adult and capable of taking care of yourself.
It doesn’t serve parents to try to restrain their adult children with rules and demands and ultimatums. It usually pushes them farther away. As difficult as it is for your mum to handle, you are a grown woman capable of making decision of your own. She needs to deal with that even if your decisions are not what she would want for you.
Your mum is probably not a bad person but she sounds emotionally immature. She does not know how to handle anxiety. She does not know how to handle you taking your own path.
Unfortunately this is her issue and while it will probably not do you any favours to cut contact with her, there is very little you can do if she refuses to speak to you.
If anything you should try to stay uninvolved in her hysteria. You could write her a note letting her know you care about her and have no issue with her and she can call any time. Let her know you hold no ill will against her. Let her know you hope she will feel better about your relationship when she’s calmed down. But let her know you are a grown up now and need to make your own decision.
Your aim is not to try to talk her around. You probably won’t be able to and her emotional maelstrom is her own to work through.
Your mother is all too accustomed to unloading her emotional angst onto others like you...this is the only way she knows how to deal with stress. Once you recognise she will continue to do this, things will improve ...as long as you don’t take the bait.
You won’t end up like your mum. But you will have patterns ingrained by growing up in an emotionally fused family. Therapy can be useful in pinpointing the patterns so when they crop up in your marriage or with your own children in the future you can recognise and circumvent them.
All the best
Network Highlights:
71 Comments
Wow! You have your very own “Mommy Dearest”.
I think you should write your mother a letter setting out your version of events. Note that neither yourself nor your husband “hate” your mother and that if she is willing, then you’re both happy to see her and to work on building a caring relationship.
Then send the letter by registered post and forget about both the letter and your mother (to the extent possible).
I don’t think you need to worry about becoming a “bitter angry person”. You sound quite sane in your letter to the most Bodacious Bossy (especisally compared to some of those Fruitcake Friday letters (even though they’re my favourite kind of fruitcake)).
Good luck.
Wed 04 Aug 10 (08:19am)
Wed 04 Aug 10 (12:22pm)
It’s times like this that I wish there was an “edit” option!
Corrections as follows:
You sound quite sane in your letter [compared] to the [letters the] most Bodacious Bossy [usually receives] ([especially when] compared to some of those Fruitcake Friday letters (even though they’re my favourite kind of fruitcake)).
Wed 04 Aug 10 (10:56pm)
Agent 86 I don’t think that the ‘registered’ letter refers to registered post. I think its more registered with a court or solicitor.
I got married 3 months ago .. we haven’t seen my husbands mother since the day. She didn’t get her way. Haven’t rec’d a letter yet tho .. might go check the mail
My parents did this when they disapproved of someone I was seeing and to be honest I really don’t miss them.
Their actions have seen pretty much their whole extended family shut them out for disowning me.
I am sure they regret it and we invited them to our wedding as a symbol of good will but they didn’t take it up.
Moving on 4 years, happily married and really don’t care what happens to them...they made the decision and thats their problem.
Wed 04 Aug 10 (08:20am)
Wed 04 Aug 10 (01:49pm)
My dad pretty much did this to me when I got married (we were engaged but somehow in his own mind he’d never realised we were “really” serious!) and it was a huge psychological leap for me to turn my back on him and say “well you think what you like dad, but this is my choice”. And in the end my happy marriage has in many ways been the ulitmate “told you so”. Dad & I were never close before, but once I’d drawn that line in the sand I stopped expecting his approval, and the whole relationship was easier on me. I gave up on the “ideal father-daughter” expectations but came to realise, too, that it was unrealistic to ever expect a Hollywood ending wwith him. Good luck.
Move on, she’s made her choice.
If you attempt to keep her in your life she’ll be a destabilising influence and could also ruin your marriage if she hates your better half so much.
Your life will be better without that sort of crap from a relative. You can’t change their behaviour so change yours.
Wed 04 Aug 10 (08:20am)
I had no idea why my in-laws disliked me from Day 1 of my relationship with their daughter. It is a slightly different scenario to yours though where the daughter was never disowned, just me. I think they always thought we would not work out, so they basically bad mouthed me to everyone in there circle of friends and family, made sure I was informed I was not welcome at their house, or family engagements like parties etc.
Things change though - there was an entire decade we did not talk. I guess then came the engagement (after 9 1/2 yrs together) so they had to re-think. Then the wedding, then kids. Like most grandparents I am sure they wanted to see the grandchildren gow up, so they had to work hard to mend bridges.
All we did was realise that I can’t change their opinion. They had to and after time, they realised it was in there best interest or it was they who would miss out on a lot of things.
Maybe they also realised - these two have been together since 20 yrs old, they are still together at close to 40, maybe they will work and stay together - lol. Only slightly joking there as they started to attempt to mend the bridges probably 6 yrs ago, when we were early to mid 30’s planning a family.
So my advice is just time. Don’t burn bridges and let people come around at their own pace - not matter if they are right or wrong in there assessment. I think eventually they do, as long as they see their kids happy..
Wed 04 Aug 10 (08:26am)
Wed 04 Aug 10 (01:06pm)
What Bossy and Steve said.
OP my mum is JUST LIKE YOURS. And nothing I did (even getting the first Uni degree our family has ever achieved) softened her, but time did. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, trust me on that.
Give her time to feel her age and isolation, maybe one day she will realise what she’s lost but dont let it be your problem in the meantime. SOme counselling may help you with that - I know it helped me…
And best of luck to you and your partner.
What should you do when you are disowned?
THROW A BIG PARTY.
Anyone stupid enough to disown their own child doesn’t deserve to play a part in their childs’ life.
My dad has pulled the same shit a couple of times in the past but will never do it again - he’s realised that I am quite happy to have him out of my life if all he is doing is bringing problems into it and manages his reactions better.
Wed 04 Aug 10 (08:34am)
It almost certainly sounds like your mother has a personality disorder. As Bossy has said, this is her issue and the best you can do, if at all possible, is to not get emotionally caught up in the roller coaster ride that can be her life. Good luck with it all, and focus on building your own, emotionally healthy, family.
Wed 04 Aug 10 (08:35am)
Bless the day you flew out of that nest.
Keep on flying baby, with that chain on that anchor now broken, you should be able to truly SOAR up into the heavens! Never descend back down underneath that thick soup of clouds that threatens to crash you into the ground and clip your wings at any moment. Birds like you were meant to migrate to greater nesting grounds and warmer climates!
Wed 04 Aug 10 (08:41am)
Family are the friends that you are born with.
Unfortunately, in this case you have been unlucky enough to have a mum, who for want of a better phrase, is a manipulative and selfish bovine.
Send a registered letter back saying that that you “would like to formally accept being disowned” and that you hope that this relieves you of future duties relating to caring for your mother when she devolves into the drooling, forgetful mess that characterizes most mean elderly people…
Wed 04 Aug 10 (08:46am)
Wed 04 Aug 10 (12:19pm)
What you mean to say is: don’t get sad, get even. Hmm.
Wed 04 Aug 10 (12:31pm)
LOVE IT. Best advice ever.
Sounds very much like my dad. He’s had a strained relationship with me and my sisters since he left my Mum about 20 years ago (still won’t speak a word to Mum).
He goes through phases of “not speaking” to each of us for incredibly random and absurd reasons. It doesn’t help that his wife is jealous and insecure, and I’m certain encourages his behaviour.
Bizarrely he stopped speaking to me about 3 years ago. It was a real shock, as we had gone to dinner with them only a couple of months before my birthday and everything was great. Then my birthday came (an important one!) and he simply sent me a curt text message. I had no idea what I’d done, and it was only late last year when I decided to ask him, he sent me a long itemised list of everything I’d done wrong (e.g. one occasion of supposedly forgetting his birthday, etc).
I was so shocked and wanted to reply to let him know how angry/hurt I was. Thing is, although he prides himself on how rational he is, he’s not someone you can express your emotions to - he is incapable of empathy, as I’ve experienced when my sisters have tried to communicate with him to improve their relationship.
Anyway the point I’m trying to make is I had to give up on getting my side of the story heard, and make the decision to either cut him out of my life entirely, or have a very courteous but unloving relationship with him, and turn a blind eye to his immature behaviour. I’m currently going with the latter, but really only because i don’t want to have to deal with the dramas of another family rift.
Some people will just never see the world from another’s point of view and there’s nothing you can do to change them.
Wed 04 Aug 10 (08:51am)
Wed 04 Aug 10 (11:57am)
oh my god.
The exact same thing happened to me and my sister!!
My dad dissowned me on my 21st birthday because I installed windows 7 on to his computer (he asked me to) but forgot to tell me his email wasn’t compatible with it!!
Worst birthday ever, but now i don’t care. He’s an idiot.
OP parents suck and are more childish than their children!
Don’t even worry about her. She’ll either realise how stupid she’s being and say sorry or she wont. It doesn’t really matter
Wed 04 Aug 10 (12:26pm)
This sounds exactly like the relationship I have with my father!
Wed 04 Aug 10 (03:47pm)
And it’s the same for me and my father!! Sad thing was I actually tried to be a good little girl and do all that was expected of me for years - and it was still never good enough. And you know the lesson I learned? IT WILL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH!!
So the upshot was that for my last birthday, I got a 4 page typeD letter listing my many faults. He said all he’d ever wanted was a good and dutiful daughter and I had shattered his dreams.
Sad thing is - that is all he wanted, and he had no idea of who I was as a person, just the role I was supposed to play as a daughter entity.
It makes me a bit sad, but life is less stressful now.
Thu 05 Aug 10 (09:28am)
Email is Universal, His email will work on Windows 7 or any other platform .
I have friends in a similar situation. All you can really do is keep in contact occasionally throughout each year and wait for her to come around. It will probably take a long time but it’s your mum that has to sort herself out.
Wed 04 Aug 10 (08:52am)
Have children… your mother will drop all the antics to rush to be with them…
then, emigrate to london, far away from the b*tch…
Wed 04 Aug 10 (09:00am)
Hello disowned,
I’ve been in a similar situation with a husband whose mother regularly disowned him. There isn’t any easy answer, it was a constant roller coaster ride emotionally right up until her death, at which point everyone was relieved. It was a sad ending to a sad life.
My adivce would be to really hold firm. Sure, do what Bossy says and say you’ve got no hard feelings but don’t buy into this, don’t get financially involved with your mother (especially not that!!) and don’t dance to her tune. That is what she wants, to control you and by disowning you, she is taking back the power.
It’s a game, don’t play it.
Wed 04 Aug 10 (09:01am)
Wed 04 Aug 10 (12:51pm)
Agreed. I know two people who have been in this situation. One a friend whose mother in law instantly and irrationally hated her, to the point where my friends husband feared for her safety and decided they had no choice but to cut off all contact.
The other is a friend whose mother disowned her purely because she disapproved of my friends choice of partner.
Both of them are over 10 years down the track now, they are both still with their partners, and both the mothers are still out of the picture.
Sometimes, you just to accept that you have a barking-mad parent. It’s sad, but it happends all the time.
It sounds like your mother has done you a favour. Maybe in the future you will be able to fix your relationship but it will never be the same. If I were you, I would try one more time to speak with her; if it doesn’t do any good I would cut all ties and move forward with your life
Wed 04 Aug 10 (09:06am)
Oh my poor dear young lady!
In my day this was not uncommon - a young lady would marry a man of whom her family did not approve, and sadly they would cut her off.
Painful as it is, you have chosen to be with your husband against the wishes of your mother, and you must accept the consequences of that.
Perhaps over time, your mother will come to accept the situation, particularly once grandchildren are produced. Another tactic you might consider is enlisting the help of other family members. I note you did not mention your father. What does he think of the situation? What about siblings, or aunts or uncles? Perhaps they could speak to your mother and urge her to reconcile with you. At the very least, if they openly accept your marriage, your mother might change her tune.
Finally, you must consider the possibility that your mother will never forgive you. She will never speak or write to you, as long as she lives. You might consider seeing a psychologist, if this outcome appears too hard to bear. A professional will assist you in dealing with this situation.
Wed 04 Aug 10 (09:20am)
OP, I’m kinda in the same situation without the partner/parent issues etc. I left home about 10 years ago and about 5 years ago my mum disowned me for not going back home. I tried to contact her repeatedly for about a year, but she would hardly answer the phone and if she did, she would hang up as soon as she heard my voice.
I do not talk to her at all in the slightest. She does not even know where I am, or have my number. It was really hard to begin with and even now is hard, but you become a master at blocking things like that out.
I call on special occasions but hang up and she knows it’s me. I guess that is my way to let her know I am still ok and alive, because in my head I would like to think that she does care. Even if that’s not true.
It gets easier though, move on and live your life.
Wed 04 Aug 10 (09:25am)
Dont try to change her mind. Remember, you have no control over her actions so dont waste precious time and energy on something that you will never control. She will probably talk to other family members about this, but you have to trust them to make their own decisions based on what they know to be true. Again, you cant tell them what to feel or think either. Remember, actions speak louder than words, even if they do take a bit longer to sink in.
Instead, focus your energy on things you do have control over, ie letting her know you love her as Bossy advised, and on your marriage and your love for your husband.
Whatever you do, dont buy into her emotional blackmail. Counter her tantrums and ultimatums with calmness and reiterated love. Its going to be a hard road with her, but its worth it, both for your own sanity and your relationship with your Mum,
Wed 04 Aug 10 (09:38am)
Your Mum sounds a lot like mine; childish, selfish and out of touch with reality.
It’s hard when someone you love so much makes it so damn difficult to love them but you need to learn to stand on your own and not take your mums behaviour to heart so much. Yes, I know it’s hard because you feel like you have hurt her but honestly, if the shoe were on the other foot do you think SHE would stand for it? No. So treat her like the child she is being and leave her in her room until she stops crying.
You’re a married woman now and you have your own life to leave and if your mum doesn’t like then whose problem is that? Hers.
Put some distance between yourself and your Mum and give her time to (hopefully) REALLY miss you and (hopefully) come to terms with the situation and make the changes SHE needs to make.
Good luck and don’t stress so much about it.
Wed 04 Aug 10 (09:50am)
I’m in the exact same situation right now, but it’s my soon to be mother in law to be that doesn’t like me.
My soon to be husband has had to send her 2 letters requesting no contact because her vicious, toxic and bordering on violent behaviour became too stressful to the point my fiance ended up in hospital and I’ve also suffered stress related ill health. I know how your husband feels in alot of ways, it can be very painful and very stressful, but he’s obviously coping ok from your description. For your own sakes, please don’t let it get to the stage of what we are dealing with.
Our situation started out as yours did, quiet ignorance of us, then turned horrible. She seems to be letting us lead our lives now in peace, but that tends to change whenever she feels like it. She is his mother, so we don’t want to resort to a restraining order but sometimes you just have to do whatever it takes to keep you safe. She was abusive to him his entire life, and her new husband has even threatened to kill my fiance several times.
Sometimes you have to recognise an unhealthy relationship for just what it is, unhealthy. Just take a step back for a while, I know you love your mother. Give her a chance to cool down and to see what she’s missing.
Your situation may end up being just like mine. I have no doubt that as soon as my mother in law finds out that we have our first baby on the way she will be singing a VERY different tune. You love your husband, he loves you. You married each other, not your mother… Best of Luck.
Wed 04 Aug 10 (09:51am)
Your story is very close to home so i will let u know how i dealt with my parents. My folks could never accept my partner, seeing as he is from a diff background but i knew he was the one for me. I never let their emotional blackmail get to me, nor did i listen to their empty threats. Other members of my family would always say racist things to me about him but i always defended him. Fast forward 10 years and we are still together and we have two children, my parents have accepted him and i am so happy that i stood my ground and did not give into their constant bullshit.
Dont let your mum get to you. BTW, does your mum work? Coz it sounds like she needs to do something to take her mind off things and to settle herself emotionally. If she doesnt work then she has all day to ruminate about your marriage.
Anyway, all the best.
Wed 04 Aug 10 (10:06am)
You’re mum sounds a lot like my mum.
Let her have her way for now - she hurting herself more than you, but cant see it through her bitterness.
Live your life undictated by her. It was your wedding day - not hers. Nows shes having a hissy fit because it didnt go the way she wanted.
You will be stronger for moving on. Dont give her the attention she craves, or she will be this way forever. Flying back to sydney to sort things out is very noble, but shes already showed she wont play ball. Talk to her when she is ready to act with more responsibility.
Wed 04 Aug 10 (10:07am)