Kate de Brito
Monday, July 26, 2010 at 08:02am
Dear Bossy: My problem is I am a 38 year old single female living with two guys. And this situation is great, works well and we are all (3) happy. I have lived with (not real names) Bill for 5 years and Ben moved in 2 years ago when I met him @ Gym.
To answer the obvious questions - yes we all sleep in the same (only) bed, the guys are not Bi and I get lots and lots of great sex. So do they! The old joke of 5 times a week and twice on Sundays is near actuality.
That is NOT the problem per se - what is the future problem is my parents are retiring and moving back to Melbourne from Sydney, where Dad transferred some 15 years ago just after I left Uni. They have no idea of my living and sleeping arrangements. They know of Bill, met him, like him and I know they would like to see me married, kids etc. Not for me though. Whilst they are not old, old, fashioned, religious or whatever I cannot really see me and Mum having cosy Mother/Daughter chats about nooky. Telling Mum I cannot live without heaps of multiple orgasms just isn’t on the agenda.
So what do I do?? Simply tell Mum & Dad and let them think what they will? Conceal it ? - but this is difficult with a flat whose second bedroom is a computer room (Ben works from home a fair bit) and they will surely visit either by arrangement or “pop around”. The guys both think this is quite funny but appreciate my dilema. They have progressed beyond the jokey “tell them we have to toss for who goes first” but cannot get beyond the advice “just tell them!!!”
Advice is sought please - make it quick as I only have two weeks.
Many thanks
Bossy says: Isn’t it a bit squeezy? Three in a bed.... every single night? Don’t you sometimes wish you could stretch out and find neither Ben or Bill two cms from your face?
I also wondered whether you always have to sleep in the middle because Bill and Ben are only sexually interested in you - not each other. And if so, don’t you sometimes yearn to be on the end and let your leg slide out of the covers?
It’s hard to imagine coming clean about this with your parents so you will have to fudge the truth - for the time being. You could try telling them that yes, you live with Bill and share a bed, but that Ben sometimes stays. Say he is away a lot for work and just sleeps on a mattress in the computer room or on the couch.
This will work for a little bit and then they will either ask more questions or the penny will drop and they will studiously avoid asking any questions at all about your household arrangements.
Whether to come clean depends on how you see the relationship with B1 and B2 panning out. If you think it is temporary then it’s probably best to keep mum. No point keeping your parents awake at night. But, if you think this is something lasting and you want to officially embrace a polyamorous lifestyle then you may need to tell the truth.
In the meantime be vague and discourage drop ins. Or get a bigger flat with another bedroom. The bedroom, with Ben’s gear slung around, will become your “beard”.
PS. What have B1 and B2 told their parents? And other friends?
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145 Comments
Play dumb, sometimes ignorance is bliss, I seriously doubt they will come to the house just to see who you are sleeping with.
Mon 26 Jul 10 (08:11am)
Mon 26 Jul 10 (04:31pm)
Yeah, and what’s with the ‘make it quick coz I’ve only got 2wks’ thing?? No-one should Boss Bossy around!!
Op you sound like a spoiled brat, lets face it. B1 and B2 at your beck and call, telling Bossy to snap to it because you’re on a timeline…
Or maybe I’m just jealous coz I’m not getting any and you’re getting twice as much as most?! Whatever. Sigh
But then again, I’m not the one squirming at the idea of telling mummy and daddy what their darling little girl gets up to every night…
Yes I’m curious what not only B1 and B2 have told their family and friends, but what the OP has told her friends as well.
I’m kinda leaning towards giving the parents a short and sweet explanation of the situation, something along the lines of “yes we all live here, and we’re happy with it this way”, then move on to another topic. People will work out what it means. Sure, the parents might be shocked initially, but given enough time they’ll get over it.
I mean, if I imagine myself in this situation, I KNOW my mum would be shocked. Horrified. Scandalised. But, ultimately, if I’m happy she’s happy for me.
I understand that not everyone’s mum and/or dad would react this way, but I really do think that getting this out in the open early is the best way to go.
Mon 26 Jul 10 (08:12am)
Mon 26 Jul 10 (10:43am)
No need to explain, just buy them a copy of ‘paint your wagon’ on dvd for christmas.
Even if they dont get the hint it’ll still be a great present.
Mon 26 Jul 10 (11:14am)
Interesting.
Me and a Friend have just discussed this topic and we are both of the understanding that “Its none of their bussiness”
“but I really do think that getting this out in the open early is the best way to go. “ - Why? , it is none of their bussiness.
“So Your living with 2 guys” - “YES”
“Are you sleeping with one or both?” - “None of your bussiness”
Dad walks in to find his little girl being plowed by 2 guys. - “Sorry dad, how embarrasing i wish you didnt see that, maybe infuture you could knock first”.
Done.. no more explaining if any questions are inappropriately asked its important to remember
“ITS NO ONE ELSES BUSSINESS”
Mon 26 Jul 10 (12:10pm)
Easier said than done BroG, some people have close families that way and consider what their parents on their children do, very much their business. If that is the case then being defensive and confrontational won’t help the situation much.
Mon 26 Jul 10 (02:22pm)
I initially had the same beliefs as you are saying jessie, however i then realized SHE’S 38 and has her own residence, im sorry only thing thats her parents business is whatever she chooses to tell them.
END OF STORY, i know all to well about “Close Families” however i dont understand how that changes anything. Your bussiness is still your business regardless.
38 and still can’t speak to mummy or daddy?
You’re having sex and sleeping with two men, aka STILL promiscuous at 38, yet, you can’t tell your parents? Why? From shame?
Couldn’t you have just gone out and found a nice man, had some children together, instead of being these mens play thing? Hell, since you’re so addicted to having an orgasm, why not masturbate? You don’t need slimy mens’ penises in you everyday or, after being promiscuous for so long, have you forgot how to pleasure yourself?
Good job tainting my views of older women, ma’am. Good job. Here I thought the promiscuity was a thing of youth, I guess not.
Mon 26 Jul 10 (08:13am)
Mon 26 Jul 10 (10:25am)
A tad judgemental????
Mon 26 Jul 10 (10:39am)
Dude, chill.
It’s called sexual liberation and it’s a good thing.
Mon 26 Jul 10 (11:21am)
Just a nitpick here - from the way she tells it, her and the Bananas in Pyjamas are in a stable, exclusive relationship. That’s polyamorous but not promiscuous.
I think you just have a touch of the ol’ sour grapes because you aren’t shacked up with a pair of women.
Bossy’s right about it being tiring to always be piggy in the middle, by the way.
Mon 26 Jul 10 (11:32am)
Judging people for being more sexually liberated or empowered than you? Referring to sexual organs as ‘slimy’?
Excessive use of emoticons in an adult conversation?
I think you may be the one with mummy and daddy issues here…
Mon 26 Jul 10 (12:02pm)
Gosh guys, leave the poor boy alone.
You have a point cap’n truth, I do see that. She does come across a bit more open minded than most, but at the same time the ‘shame’ factor is surely the reason she doesnt want her parents to know…
Having said that, I’d love to have multiple orgasms regularly. But I’d rather pleasure myself than go looking for multiple randoms. Besides, I have teenage sons I wouldnt want to set a bad example for
I think it all boils down to the double standard. As a 40 yr old woman I’m STILL judged about the fact that my 3 sons have ‘fathers’ - not withstanding that I have only had 3 serious relationships in my entire life, and my sexual relationship tally in 20 yrs can be counted on one hand (and I’ve been single for most of that time....)
What it boils down to OP is you’ve made your (literal) bed, now you’ll have to lie in it. Be honest with the folks and cop whatever they dish out, while making it clear to them that you are an adult and are making your choices accordingly.
Then for petes sake dont leave your door unlocked, in case they ‘pop’ over unexpectedly!
Mon 26 Jul 10 (12:12pm)
CTT, promiscuity is one for all ages, not just young women and masturbation will never be the equal of the real thing, if you’d had sex you’d know that.
But seriously, I think your trolling needs a bit more refinement, you seem to be going for a “young” Ethel type of statement but it’s not quite working. I would drop the hating-society-longer tact, we all know that an 18 year old has no advice of value to give adults, especially one that doesn’t have friends or relationships.
In sort, I think you need to think of a new persona this one isn’t quite working.
Mon 26 Jul 10 (12:38pm)
I think we have a troll. Best we don’t feed itm. This is the same moniker that (allegedly) saddo 18 year old virgin used to berate the woman who slept with the engaged guy.
Well, hopefully for his/her sake he/she is a troll, because with these attitudes he/she will never get laid!
Mon 26 Jul 10 (01:00pm)
Ok, I agree that at 38 she should just tell or not tell her parents whatever the hell she wants.
Having said that,CTT, you should take your virgin, woman hating, pimply, lego playing views somewhere else because you are a sad little boy who is apparently very very repulsive to anyone with a heartbeat.
Mon 26 Jul 10 (01:27pm)
“Hell, since you’re so addicted to having an orgasm, why not masturbate? You don’t need slimy mens’ penises in you everyday or, after being promiscuous for so long, have you forgot how to pleasure yourself?”
Thankyou! Quote of the day, I laughed so I hard I nearly choked on my muffin.
Mon 26 Jul 10 (01:49pm)
Um.. No. I’m not a troll.
So, because I have a different insight and perception of the world to most of you, it must mean that I am “trolling along”, right? No.
As I stated previously, I use to read these, and become enraged, all in silence. Now I tell these cretins what I think of them, helps alleviate the anger.
Woman hater? How so? I hate promiscuity and how sex has no meaning. That’s what I hate.. It just so happens that most of the people posting on here are women, if this were a man, I’d be calling him out too… I hate men, and women, both equally who are promiscuous. In my opinion they deserve a beating, honestly, and I’m not religious.. I just think promiscuity is shameful.
Also, what’s wrong with emoticons? They show how I am FEELING.. That’s what they’re there for, how does that make me childlike? I am almost nineteen, hardly a child. I’m willing to guarantee that I am more mature than most of the people on here too. Enjoy your alcohol and promiscuity, until the public ceases to, I will ‘enjoy’ my hatred for the disgusting ‘society’ that I’m so unfortunate to exist in.
Mon 26 Jul 10 (03:17pm)
Keep in mind guys this guy is 18, he has this fantasy about the world but no life experience to back it up, he has yet to realise the world isnt as it is in his fantasy, and as a result i agree. find something more suited to you CTT try http://www.abckids.com.au - My kids play there all the time, Coloring, games, hours of entertainment.
Mon 26 Jul 10 (06:44pm)
Ty said “It’s called sexual liberation and it’s a good thing.”
Umm… actually anyone who’s done any decent research on the sexual revolution of the 60s and 70s knows that ‘sexual liberation’ has done more harm than good to society.
Mon 26 Jul 10 (08:49pm)
Wonder if this is Ethel trying on a new persona?
Tue 27 Jul 10 (06:26am)
Masturbation is never close to the real thing… sure you get yourself off and its pretty easily done. But you’re left feeling completely unsatisfied. Goddamnit i hate being single.
Just tell them. Your mum might surprise you. She’d be from the era of free love, and while she may not have partaken in free love of the 60’s and 70’s, if she’s not the old fuddy duddy you could have some interesting conversations.
Your living situation doesn’t really do anything for me, but if you can make it work, then at least be honest about making it work.
Best of luck and if you’re living the lifestyle that you’re happy with then power to you girl.
Mon 26 Jul 10 (08:17am)
For a moment there I thought it was Friday. Needed to check my calendar, I thought I’d missed an entire week.
OP, you have chosen what I may term to be an alternative lifestyle. It is your life, and you are entitled to do so. But what do your friends think? Siblings? What have you told them?
Life and sex may be just peachy with Bill and Ben the Flowerpot Men right now, but give it a few years and you will be nothing but a horny old tart with no one. Think about it.
I pity your parents.
Mon 26 Jul 10 (08:18am)
“tell them we have to toss for who goes first”.
Intentional or not, this was highly amusing and much appreciated on a Monday morning.
I echo the most Bodacious Bossy’s thoughts - how on Earth do you all sleep comfortably in the same bed. Even if it was a king size bed, surely you each want to have a bit more space than usual every now and again.
And I find it hard to believe that Ben and Bill have been sharing the same bed (and woman) for over 2 years, yet they apparently draw the line at any sexual or sensual activity involving another guy. I would have thought that you would all just “enjoy” one another.
All that typed, if you’re happy then don’t change anything. Do as the most Bodacious Bossy suggested and tell your parents that you live with Bill and that Ben often stays over because he works out of town and doesn’t have his own place in Melbourne. If you’re truly concerned about maintaining the deception, then you could look at moving into a bigger apartment (with an extra bedroom), but I guess that depends whether or not your parents really will be popping in every chance they get.
And before you freak out too much, there is always the possibility that your parents will move to an area of Melbourne far, far, far away from you are living. Or you could take the initiative to “pop in” to see them wherever they end up living with the excuse that since your boyfriend (who in reality is Ben, but for the purposes of the deception will have to be Bill) works from home, he doesn’t like to be disturbed by people “popping in” all the time.
After your parents have been living in Melbourne for a while and they can see for themselves that you’re happy and healthy, then maybe tell them the truth.
Good luck.
Mon 26 Jul 10 (08:21am)
Mon 26 Jul 10 (12:23pm)
First one to finish tossing loses, as they need to recharge.
Mon 26 Jul 10 (05:13pm)
There is a lot to be said for the strength of parental denial.
I have a friend who has a ‘flatmate’ that she has lived with for going on 25 years. Her parents still don’t acknowledge that she is in a committed lesbian relationship.
If your parents want to know they will ask. If they would rather stay blissfully unaware, you will be amazed at the lengths they will go to, to not see what is going on.
Just buy a cheapy fold up bed and put it in the computer room. When parents come around...there ya go, spare bed in the room and it doesn’t really need to be set up...just say to them that Ben sets it up when he goes to bed : )
Mon 26 Jul 10 (08:21am)
Mon 26 Jul 10 (02:52pm)
That’s what I was thinking. Claim Ben is the flatmate, but is REALLY good mates with you & Bill and you do pretty much everything together. That way you can take both to social engagements without embarassment and if over time the parents put two and two together the deception will be in place and most likely out of decorum nothing will be said. If questions get droppped about “doesn’t Ben have a girlfriend” you could say something of the lines of “no he doesn’t seem to and is pretty private, so we don’t pry”.
I don’t see that it’s necessary to come clean regarding the arrangement, particularly if it might make you, your parents and or B1&2;embarassed.
Let me guess, Bill and Ben are Flower pot men.
I sure hope Weed doesn’t find out about this....
Mon 26 Jul 10 (08:21am)
Mon 26 Jul 10 (10:54am)
And the “bed” they share is code for garden bed! OMG. You’ve totally stumbled onto the truth of the situation.
It is pretty weird way to live. You ALL share a bed but the guys arent bi?? So do they have to wait each night for you to go to bed so its just not the two of them? What if you go out with other friends do they sleep in the same bed?
Nothing wrong with your lifestyle but you must accept the negatives that come with it. Tell your parents you all live together. They aren’t going to kill you!
Mon 26 Jul 10 (08:28am)
What an interesting start to Monday!
I honestly find it hard to understand how you got yourself in this situation to start with! How did the idea of getting a third person to sleep in the same bed come about? Bizarre.
If I were you I wouldn’t tell your parents. I can’t imagine your dad being happy about his daughter sleeping with two guys at once! I’m not sure how you are going to avoid the issue, can B2 stay at a friends for a few days?
Wish you luck, I’m a little bit jealous
Mon 26 Jul 10 (08:33am)
Yeah okay are we suppose to believe this story is true. What a load of BS.
Mon 26 Jul 10 (08:39am)
Mon 26 Jul 10 (01:46pm)
Agreed - I call BS.
I share a QB with my husband. Neither of us is tall or chubby. In summer we both want a bit of extra room to stay cool. It is physically possible to fit our son in the bed with us ... but we can’t sleep because there isn’t enough room with a small squirming child.
How on earth do three fully grown adults share a bed - and sleep? Imagine if you needed to pee in the middle of the night - you’d have to crawl over a bed-mate!
I’d be more concerned about getting a quality night’s sleep than whether your parents would be accepting of your life-syle!
Are you right in the head?
Mon 26 Jul 10 (08:40am)
Mon 26 Jul 10 (11:18am)
Thats what I was thinking! This is a story for Fruitcake Friday.
Two words,
Fivesome.
Mon 26 Jul 10 (08:43am)
Mon 26 Jul 10 (11:10am)
hahah thats pretty funny
Mon 26 Jul 10 (12:57pm)
I was thinking the same thing, but then, I dont think I’d like to see my Dad doing my boyfriend while he’s doing me and I’m doing my mum.
Sorry Thursty, couldnt help but go visual
Mon 26 Jul 10 (04:00pm)
Five is enough to make a circle. You’re stuck in those triangle days.
Tue 27 Jul 10 (09:57am)
Surely, five would make a pen-"tangle"?
pentagle! love it
Kate de Brito
Tue 27 Jul 10 (10:09am)
The OP is 38 and still worried about mummy and daddy. How cute.
Mon 26 Jul 10 (08:44am)
Mon 26 Jul 10 (11:13am)
It’s not like she’s just worried about introducing the boyfriend.
This is a highly unique situation, her age has nothing to do with the fact her parents probably won’t approve!
Mon 26 Jul 10 (01:04pm)
I could be worse.
One or both of the boys could be poms.
3some!!!
oh, wait.
Mon 26 Jul 10 (08:50am)
There’s really only one thing to say here and that’s:
ROCK ON GIRLFRIEND
Don’t tell your parents it’ll only ruin it. Bossy is right… just fudge it.
PS: You’re my new hero
Mon 26 Jul 10 (08:53am)
Mon 26 Jul 10 (11:15am)
Well that depends…
Pics…
You’re 38 years old and you don’t know what to do? PLEASE! How about growing up? or being honest with your parents.... Geez you sound like you’re 18!!
Mon 26 Jul 10 (08:53am)
Mon 26 Jul 10 (12:11pm)
Its her sexlife and none of her parents bussiness, keep that in mind while YOU grow up.
Mon 26 Jul 10 (01:28pm)
@brog. its not her sex life. Its her living arangements and partner arrangement. You family is GOING to find out one way or another. Better to be upfront than lie.
Tue 27 Jul 10 (09:08am)
BroG, if you’re doing something you can’t tell your mum about...then you probably shouldn’t be doing it.
That’s not to say you should tell your parents everything or that you should only do the things they agree with.
But in a situation like this it’s a matter of WHEN not IF, why not just be honest? Isn’t it better they find out from her?
If you’re not ashamed of who you are,you should be able to be that person to your parents (barring the fanatical exceptions) or who can you be it to?
OP,
Two men in a constant relationship with you, sharing and cuddling and all that bullsh*t, without either of them getting jealous or demanding more or suggesting he wants you all for himself.
You’ve found two passive men who have no interest in each other. And they think it is great, and all their friends think it is great.
Sure…
Been watching too much reality TV? Do you live alone with two dildos for company? Or maybe you have three cats?? Whatever…
Use your imagination for good instead of evil, OP, and stop making BS up.
Mon 26 Jul 10 (08:57am)
Mon 26 Jul 10 (12:15pm)
Yeah I must agree, I can’t recall ever going out with a man that wasn’t jealous at some level.
Mon 26 Jul 10 (12:23pm)
We judge others by the flaws we find in ourselves… something you want to get off your chest IM.
If a guy wrote in about the 3some situation he was in, you probably wouldn’t bat an eyelid. Or was it the age that threw you?
Whatever.
Mon 26 Jul 10 (12:29pm)
Agree, not only is it BS, it’s a pathetic story. OP seriosly, leave the story-telling to the Little Golden Books series.
Mon 26 Jul 10 (06:26pm)
yes I agree Ironmike ...
I was told a few months back that I didn’t get something about Men in general and that was that they are competitive by nature,
To be honest I actually found it hard to believe that ‘ALL’ Men are, but something happened recently to show me that it seems to be true.
Which makes this original post very hard to believe imo
Mon 26 Jul 10 (09:49pm)
KM
If a guy had two girlfriends it would be open season on him.
Tue 27 Jul 10 (09:49am)
KM,
If a guy wrote in about this situation I’d figure the same, that it was BS.
Or he was rich, which would instantly make him more attractive to chicks.
But, given how you can’t put two women in a room without one of them getting jealous, I’d go for the BS aspect.
Surely you can’t believe this crap???
My question is.....where do they put the flowerpots?
Mon 26 Jul 10 (08:58am)
Mon 26 Jul 10 (10:24am)
Bill and Ben the DILDO men…
Mon 26 Jul 10 (12:42pm)
The flowerpots were the moulds she used when she made bill and ben…
Mon 26 Jul 10 (02:15pm)
I have so many more questions, where does WEEEEEEED fit in? Is there room? How does one conduct ‘dirty talk’ when all the partners can say is- Shobalobalop?
Aside from random questions associated with beloved childhood characters, there’s also the issue of bedroom antics, such as farting. We had one OP who wasn’t allowed to, but I imagine with two blokes they’d be okay with that? You’d have awesome competitions if you were allowed because the “guess who did it” is much more fun with more than two people.
And finally...how the hell did you get the time and energy to even write in to Bossy?
Tue 27 Jul 10 (09:57am)
That’s bloody funny Mistress D - I am definitely going to try ‘Shobalobalop’ on Mrs Will when I next try to spice things up in the bedroom..
Ah, visions of childhood innocence, forever irreversibly tainted....!
Woo Hoo! What a beauty - score one for the sisterhood! I’ve heard of guys living with two women happily (although I don’t think my childbride would be too happy...), and have heard rumours about the other way around. Good for you! Oh sorry… you want to know what to do. Just do what Bossy says - sounds good to me!
Mon 26 Jul 10 (09:02am)