Kate de Brito
Monday, August 02, 2010 at 08:05am
Dear Bossy: I was born ugly. Well, no thats not quite true, I was a normal looking baby and kid, but once a hit puberty things seriously went down hill. Im’m not just talking about that awkward teenage stage, I was really, really unattractive. I’m not talking plain, or a little below average I’m talking UGLY. Over the years, I’ve had quite a lot of plastic surgery, an extreme makeover really, however, its been over years not weeks, because it isn’t cheap. I wouldn’t say that I’m pretty now, but atleast I’m alright looking. I think most people have parts of their bodies they don’t like, but to have a really ugly face is a hard life, I think maybe even harder for a woman than a man.
Anyway, my question is, do I, or how do I tell future partners, that this isn’t what I should look like, that, if it wasn’t for a lot of surgery I’d be ugly. Also I’m interested to hear from fellow readers, imagine if you started dating someone and it was all going well and they told you, well actually Ive had two nose jobs, cheek implants, my lips are fake, Ive got veneers on my teeth and I’ve had lazer to clear up my skin.
I know many of you are thinking Im some vain person, but I’m not, I had a very, very ugly face. I had strangers tell me I was ugly, it’s not an easy way to live and I wanted to do something about it and I did.
Thank you
Ex-ugly
Bossy says: Why should you tell them? You’ve spent enough time feeling embarrassed and unhappy about the way you look, why keep on making excuses for it now?
Seriously, the only time you should feel obliged to ‘fess up to surgery is when you’ve had a sex change.
I don’t see any reason why a new man - whether he is a fling or something serious - needs to know you have had collagen injections, a boob job or a nose job.
You’ve done some hard yards in the past. You have bowed to the pressure of a society which says women must be attractive to be worthwhile. I get that. I am not dumping on your decision to go under the knife.
But you’ve done it. And you feel better for it. So why go running back to the past and pouring out your sorry tale of how you used to be so “ugly”.
This implies that you are still back there. This implies that what you have now is not real. And that’s not true. Your face now, despite surgical procedures, is still your face.
People get their teeth capped all the time. People change their hair and have themselves plucked tweezed and made up. Do they meet a man and confess “I am really much uglier without all this work?”
Accept your decision was made to give you confidence you lacked and to help you attract a mate. You haven’t killed anyone. You’re just trying to find your place and find acceptance in a world that is often cruel to those not blessed with good looks.
It would have been nice if you hadn’t had to fork out money for surgery to achieve those aims but that doesn’t mean you have to constantly explain yourself – and in doing so apologise - to others for your decision.
Be happy and accepting of your choices. Don’t tell… unless you want to or unless you are asked. Then say “sure, I had my nose done and my teeth needed a bit of work”. But really, what else is there to say?
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122 Comments
Do they need to know to have a fulfilled life?
I don’t think so.
Don’t tell them.
Mon 02 Aug 10 (08:14am)
Mon 02 Aug 10 (09:49am)
You don’t think it might be obvious looking at old photos - or will she say they were all burnt in a house fire? Does she resemble any family members? Are they butt ugly? And what about offspring? They tend to inherit your DNA, not your plastic surgery scars. I’d be more inclined to ask whether this plastic surgery thing is an obsession. After all, most people wouldn’t require “quite a lot of plastic surgery” to look human unless they’ve been in a nasty accident. Two nose jobs? Hmmmm, that reminds of someone… Just sayin’.
Mon 02 Aug 10 (10:41am)
While I agree with this in the beginning, if the relationship gets serious it may be best to drop it in the conversation at some stage. How else will you explain the childhood photos (or lack of them)?
Mon 02 Aug 10 (11:24am)
Do they need to know to have a fulfilled life probably not. However if your bolt on nose falls off mid coitus that could require some explaining.
Mon 02 Aug 10 (01:24pm)
Not to have a fulfilled life, but may want to know if breeding is in the pipeworks.
OP, it really depends how big your tits are and whether you’re a good root or not.
Mon 02 Aug 10 (03:48pm)
I’m with Chunks, what about offspring? and at what point do you tell the partner you are having children with? do you wait a year? 2? the longer you wait the harder it is, or are you waiting for the baby to be born and be all like huh no idea what the baby is so ugly, must be a throwback gene
Mon 02 Aug 10 (04:45pm)
Why would you think of telling them? It would be like your boyfriend telling you that he once had foreskin and now he doesn’t. Who really cares.
I agree with Bossy, unless you’ve had a sex change I wouldn’t bother mentioning it. It doesn’t matter what you looked like 5 or ten years ago. They are attracted to the person you are now.
Mon 02 Aug 10 (06:22pm)
A good point Chunks, but you forget....Ugly people who know they’re ugly are given a power-The innate ability to detect and hide from a camera in most situations.
I have maybe 10 photos of my ugliest stage and that lasted a good 6 years. Even now, with my moderately average looks, I can avoid cameras. I’m like a ninja.
As for DNA, it depends on the other person too. They actually found that standard beauty has a ratio aspect. OP may have great features but completely out of proportion with one another. She might have a baby with a guy who has features that can not only off set her own, but compliment them. It’s hard to say what the features she needs to compliment her ‘ugly’ ones. But as we do tend to be more attracted to people who are our ‘opposite’ in looks (John Safran’s Race Relations) she’s more likely to find a mate whose DNA can override any ‘problems’. At least, we can hope....
Honestly, I really think this boils down how honest you want to be with prospective partner. I seriously doubt it’s a relationship killer, maybe to some but not all. I always think honesty is best, you don’t need to make it a big deal, obviously he needs to know how depressed you were and how it affected you.
It’s really your call, but attempting to hide something such as this will bite you in the ass at some point. All it takes is a mate or a relative to let it out once, even as a joke and the cover is blown. I really do not think it’s anything to be ashamed about.
Mon 02 Aug 10 (08:15am)
Mon 02 Aug 10 (01:32pm)
I agree. I think if you didn’t mention it at some point in a serious relationship and it came out, it might look like you were hiding the truth, or were ashamed of it.
However, there’s no need to make it a big deal. If you’re looking at pics of celebrities and commenting on plastic surgery, you could start to gauge their opinion of that, and comment on the fact that you’ve had a couple of things done. Something simple in normal conversation, rather than the “we need to talk” sort of conversation.
It’s really no big deal, but it could look like a big deal if it looks like you tried to hide it.
I think someone further down also commented that the ordeal of feeling ugly and taking steps to correct that is part of your history, and part of what makes you who you are. In sharing yourself and your history with a new partner, I assume this would come out naturally.
I’ve got a face like a smashed crab and I don’t feel a need to have surgery.
Mon 02 Aug 10 (08:16am)
Mon 02 Aug 10 (09:14am)
you’re exagerrating you know
Mon 02 Aug 10 (10:22am)
Yes but you clearly have a winning personality to compensate :S
Mon 02 Aug 10 (11:01am)
That’s OK, guys can get laid even if they’re fugly. We just have to have the right moves (or, in more despicable cases, be willing to tell the girl whatever she wants to hear). For girls, what their mumma gave them plays a larger part.
Mon 02 Aug 10 (12:04pm)
Is there a Mrs Shane..i think i love your blunt ways and fabulous advice
Mon 02 Aug 10 (01:25pm)
I was born cute. My mother and cousin both modeled for Australia. I’m tall and leggy and very pretty.
This is how I feel about myself AFTER I was run over at 20 and had my face literally smashed to pieces.
My nose goes a bit sideways, my face looks like two different people on each side. Symmetry is definitely a thing of the past.
I had the option to have it all fixed. I chose not to. I learned while I was healing at 20 that beauty is in the heart and soul of a person. For me to surgically modify myself (purely for cosmetic reasons) what doing myself as a person an injustice.
I feel better now than ever before.
I agree with the other post - you should spend your money on counselling. It doesn’t get much uglier than a run over face, and I still feel beautiful.
Mon 02 Aug 10 (02:13pm)
LOL your funny Shane ... I like
No reason to say anything unless he asks. And probably the only way he would ask is if he is checking out childhood pics of you, so it would be a pretty serious relationship by then and therefore should be a non-event.
Mon 02 Aug 10 (08:19am)
I wouldn’t mention it unless you one day have a baby, and if the child is less than normal looking bring up the topic of surgery. But really, what parent ever thinks their own baby isn’t beautiful? Elaine, you ogtta see the baaaabayyy.
Seriously though, I have no idea. I’m thinking if you eventually find the right guy and you’re both in it for the long haul that’s the sort of thing you’d tell him in the natural course of the relationship. I really wouldn’t sit down and have a “we need to talk” moment though, you’re not confessing to any big skeletons in your closet. It’s not a big deal, so don’t treat it like a major revelation.
Mon 02 Aug 10 (08:19am)
Mon 02 Aug 10 (05:18pm)
if you’re gonna have kids with a guy you should tell him...your genes will be passed onto the kid....
Mon 02 Aug 10 (06:00pm)
Agree with Chris. Well, the second paragraph.
I think you should tell them. A guy will really appreciate the honesty in being told that he’s actually rooting the hunchback of Notre Dame in disguise.
Mon 02 Aug 10 (08:25am)
Well, there is one tiny detail. If you have kids… your genes will be passed on to your child.
Are you willing to invest the same amount of money in your child’s looks in the future?
Mon 02 Aug 10 (08:27am)
Mon 02 Aug 10 (10:19am)
What I think she really needs to consider the most is what she intends to say to her daughter one day (if she has one).
When your daughter is possibly feeling ugly as a teen, how will you make her feel better about herself?
I think what you did is great for you, and everyone should feel comfortable in their own skin, but daughters take their mothers words very seriously, and I would really take the time to consider how you will approach that.
Mon 02 Aug 10 (03:57pm)
Marry the really hot one and their genes will be stronger.. you’ll be all good
Mon 02 Aug 10 (03:59pm)
Just because your considered beautiful does not mean your children are born beautiful. I have seen some stunning parents and their children did not inherit those genes and vice versa.
Look at Mick Jagger and then his daughter who is stunning!!!
Mon 02 Aug 10 (06:39pm)
Really I wouldn’t worry about your children ... check on the Royal Family and one can see how handsome the kids all turned out!!
Mon 02 Aug 10 (07:26pm)
But think of the upside… you could blame the ugly child on your partner and get years worth of guilt from it!
First of all, you should have spent all that money on some counselling. To work on your personality.
We all get ugly as we get older. There’s very few good looking 70 and 80 year olds out there.
And you know, there’s a guy i know, his face isn’t too crash hot, but you know what, he’s got a beautiful wife, and she told him she fell in love with his hands. I must admit, he has model like hands. And besides all that, he’s a good bloke, great personality. A humourous and well loved and respected guy.
These are the qualities that are important.
I don’t agree with Bossy saying you should omit the details all the time. You are living two lies at once. A lie within yourself because you changed your appearance and couldnt accept yourself. And a lie to everyone because you are hiding behind these changes.
Probably doesn’t matter too much, the way superficial society is going we’ll all be dating 14 inch penis androids and size 6 model looking clones soon enough.
Mon 02 Aug 10 (08:32am)
Mon 02 Aug 10 (09:03am)
Sorry Bossy, but I’m an old school open book. A Stiff upper lip, chins up, cut off my nose to spite my face kinda guy. If I ever get married and settled down with me best girl she won’t be surprised when she gives birth to a dropped meat pie with bbq sauce.
Mon 02 Aug 10 (09:17am)
There is tons of stuff I don’t tell people. It’s not that I’m lying or even omitting it, but mostly it’s just not relevant to who I am.
And get real Dr. Opkick, if you look after your looks, they last a lifetime and don’t ever kid yourself that they don’t matter. It’s like being tall, it makes a big difference, like it or not.
Mon 02 Aug 10 (10:05am)
Spend money on counselling… are you serious? Yes personality is an awesome trait but that doesn’t change the OP’s appearance.
We have the technology in the cosmetic industry to change our appearance and if that makes someone feel better about themselves then who gives a shit?!
To the OP I say you have no obligation to tell people anything. If your surgeon has done a good job then no one may ever know. You may want to reveal the procedures you’ve had to those close to you eventually, but don’t think you have done something ‘bad’ that you need to fess up about.
It’s your face, your life and your money - so don’t feel obliged to tell anyone anything. Forget about it and be happy finally!!
Mon 02 Aug 10 (02:03pm)
That’s no problem at all. We can soften that lip, lower the chin and reattach the nose easily. But I probably can’t book you in until Thursday.
At the same time, we could do some lipo to reduce some of the meat pies with sauce if you like.
Mon 02 Aug 10 (04:19pm)
I don’t know Dr O, anything over 8 inches is strictly for show and tell, good to look at but basically left overs
It’s not always lying to omit something. You can choose what you reveal to people about yourself. We do it every day.
Kate de Brito
Mon 02 Aug 10 (08:42am)
Hate to tell you, but most of what you’ve had done, especially the veneers and the lips are going to be pretty obvious to most.
That said, I don’t think you need to open with the line “Hi my name is Ex-ugly and I’ve had a bit of work done”.
Just live your life and if and when it comes up, then you can deal with it then.
Mon 02 Aug 10 (08:32am)
Mon 02 Aug 10 (09:58am)
Agree. All blokes can spot fake boobs, plastic surgery, botox, facial enhancements etc a mile away.
You don’t need to open with the subject, but just be honest if it comes up in conversation.
If anything, you’ll have to get over the bloke issue of fake enhancements in women being equated to a fake personality.
Mon 02 Aug 10 (12:14pm)
Haha yeah right blackadder. Men hardly notice when you change your hair colour so I doubt they can spot cosmetic procedures from a mile away.
Mon 02 Aug 10 (02:16pm)
Agree A-M. I have had veneers, you can tell the difference if you look, but I don’t give a stuff. I hated my teeth and even braces when I was younger didn’t fix the problem. The veneers make me more confident when I smile, and that is all that matters. Do I tell prospective partners about it? No. Why should it be a topic of conversation, when there are so many other interesting things to talk about when you are getting to know someone?
If they notice and ask, I answer that ‘yes’ I have had veneers. As far as I am concerned, I had a problem and I fixed it, end of story.
Mon 02 Aug 10 (04:59pm)
Agreed, we can all spot it a mile away. Some mind it, some don’t. If he’s with you then he doesn’t. My Fiance has fake boobs and I’m cool with it, they’re great! And I’m not even one to care about small or no boobs. But she loves them, so I love them.
The fake personality assumption and the possible psychological issues are the red flags that any intelligent man will be looking for and you will have to work to convince him otherwise.
Tue 03 Aug 10 (09:22am)
Blackadder - you are joking, most guys cannot spot all that stuff. If you have a great doctor, then NO-ONE can spot that stuff, especially of you do it gradually.
I’ll tell you a secret… most people are better looking in their adulthood than when they were growing up.
Everyone has THOSE embaressing photo’s and most grow out of it. The fact that you had surgery to ‘grow’ out of it is not that much different and if you are confident with your looks now, men won’t care.
My boyfriend was short and fat with english skin (i.e really red skin) until he was 16. At which point he started to grow and lose the weight. Do I care? No.
I love him for who he is now.
I think when you’re dating just leave it alone. Down teeh track when things get serious and they come across old photo’s of you at your parents place you can make the decision to tell them or not.
Mon 02 Aug 10 (08:32am)
Mon 02 Aug 10 (09:11am)
This is a very good post.
People’s looks change as they get older. Especially if you take care of yourself properly you will look better at 30 and 40 than when you are younger.
Mon 02 Aug 10 (10:55am)
While I think it’s great that your post is so supportive and for the most part I agree with you, I can’t leave the comment “most people are better looking in their adulthood than when they were growing up”.
Um - what most people? Some, yes. A lot, sure. But most? Hm… I must know and associate with a lot of people who are actually a teeny-tiny minority, myself included.
Mon 02 Aug 10 (09:55pm)
I totally agree with goodonya...I look so much better now at 30 than I did at 20...I believe it is because I am more confident and secure in my own skin....
No, don’t tell them - it’d be like saying to someone ‘you know without this make up I’m a troll’. That would just be weird.
That kind of stuff can come out during some D&M;conversation where you’re both talking about your past, deepest dark feelings etc. Its not something you reveal simply because you think you should. Its not like you’re harbouring some dirty secret that will change the fabric of your whole relationship. Chances are the guy can guess you’ve had something done anyway.
As for how I’d react if I found out the person I was dating had had cosmetic surgery? I’d probably wonder about their self esteem and think its sad they felt driven to it at such a young age (I’m assuming you’re fairly young still). But whatever drew me to them in the first place is still there so I don’t see it would make one iota of difference to my feelings for them.
I get the impression you’re worried that you’re a fraud. You’re not. You’ve had work done. It doesn’t make you fake or plastic.
Mon 02 Aug 10 (08:34am)
I think you should disclose 6-12 months after you start dating “exclusively” or before you move in together, whichever is the soonest.
BUT, I would only disclose that you’ve had a nose job (there’s no need to say that you had two) and that you have cheek implants.
I think the “plumped up” lips is pretty common and unless your lips look like Angelina Jolie or that scary looking lady who was on the old school version of Melrose Place, then a little extra plumpness isn’t something you really need to be telling your future boyfriend about. Same goes for the veneers for your teeth.
AND don’t make a big deal about your make-over. Just mention it pretty “casually” along the lines of “so we’re getting pretty serious and there’s something I want you to know. I had a bit of plastic surgery before meeting you so that I could feel more confident in myself”. I think that is all that is needed.
IF the guy ends up having a major issue with it and cannot understand why you had the surgery, then he isn’t the guy for you.
Good luck.
Mon 02 Aug 10 (08:37am)
Mon 02 Aug 10 (09:23am)
I can’t see a guy having a major issue with it Agent, actually, if it were me I would be quite excited as it would mean the possibility of her wanting to upgrade the “twins” was higher, hehe
Mon 02 Aug 10 (11:28am)
Funnily enough I thought I wouldn’t have a problem with knowing about this, but on deeper thought I think I’d like to know.
Not up front, but if I got into a relationship with a girl and children might be on the cards I’d like to know anything I could about her real genetic makeup. Men’s screening for physical attractiveness in mate selection has evolved for a reason, and I’d want to know.
I probably wouldn’t break up with a girl on this basis, but I’d want to know about this before she gives birth to a baby that looks nothing like I’d expect.
You’ve “lazered” your face?
Lasers, pew pew.
Mon 02 Aug 10 (08:44am)
Mon 02 Aug 10 (11:28am)
“What’s a phaser?”
You dont play lazertag do you?
I’ve had 2 hair transplants done (i’m a guy but i’ve seen numerous women have them as well). I would have no problems telling people that i’ve had it done if it comes up. I’m a good looking guy and a bodybuilder, i will do what i have to to look how i want. For hair loss surgery is the only permanent solution.
What you are doing is no different to women wearing make-up, high heals, push-up bras etc. you just needed surgery in order to accomplish what you wanted.
It takes guts to do what you have done, a lot of people wouldn’t do it because of what others would say and just accept themselves for who they are (and maybe spend their lives complaining about it).
You are obviously worried about what guys would think, i wouldn’t worry too much. If it comes up just say you wanted to change certain things and had it done. Personally i would prefer to be with someone who had the guts to do things in life rather than complain.
Mon 02 Aug 10 (08:51am)
Mon 02 Aug 10 (10:59am)
“High heals"… what you get with two L80 priests tagging along with a bunch of L30 toons in a dungeon… hehehe.
But yeah, I agree with you, 100%.
I was so dog ugly as a teenager even my mother admitted to me that I wasn’t attractive. She used to keep harping on about the ugly duckling in an attempt to make me feel better.
Well, we all know we don’t all grow into beautiful swans (I sure didn’t) but ducks aren’t exactly ugly either, as far as birds go, they’re just not as impressive as swans.
But I’m proud of having been ugly because it forced me to put importance on things other than ‘face value’. It caused no end of problems and still does. I get through them and will probably have to deal with inferiority complex, jealousy and rage sessions for the rest of my life. I get through those things though, I’m still here despite all of it and I’m damn proud of it.
However, it’s my choice to share that with people, my choice to tell them that I was ugly and it affected me. Just like it’s your choice not to if you don’t want.
You saw a problem and you fixed it. It’s not the way I think a lot of us would fix the problem, but as long as you recognized your body image and your self image were different things then good on you!
Mon 02 Aug 10 (08:52am)
Mon 02 Aug 10 (11:54am)
hey I was just the same, except my mum waited until the “ugly duckling” stage had passed before she admitted it to me...then all the old pics were packed up in the back shed until a few weeks ago when the boyf was helping me clean it out...we had a good laugh
Mon 02 Aug 10 (05:22pm)
There were a few chicks at my school who I treated like shit because they loked grit and now they look ok so I wish I was nicer to them. Some of them are quite rootable now.
I agree with Bossy here. I was born with a birth defect and had corrective surgery at age of 6 months… then 4 years… then 17 years and 22 years. I’m still not over the bullying or a few of the comments I recieved from TOTAL STRANGERS, children and adults alike… but I’m getting there.
OP - It will take years to get out of that mindset. But It DOES happen. It actually really helped when my mother replaced all the family photos about two years ago - so I was not constantly reminded of what was but rather what is now!
You don’t HAVE to tell anyone why you look different now. But I tell those that ask. Corrective surgery shouldn’t be taboo.
“Oh yeah, had some surgery a few years ago to fix that up.” and that’s it really. If they ask tell, if they don’t don’t. Oh and if they say! “That’s amazing! i was thinking I of getting my *blank* done!” make sure you give them ABSOLUTLEY every single disgusting detail about the process and cost.
And a true love will look below the awesome hotness that you’re currently displaying and see the true person you really are as well. Trust me. There are guys out there like that!
Mon 02 Aug 10 (08:59am)
I think that’s the trick, tell if they or if you want to but dont volunteer because you think you are supposed to.
Kate de Brito
Mon 02 Aug 10 (10:40am)
You don’t need to tell them. Did you have your boobs done? That’d be the only thing I’d tell them about, in case they can tell by feeling them.
Otherwise, if you had plastic surgery for your own self esteem and you feel better and more confident as a result - no, you don’t need to tell them.
Just burn the ugly photos.
Mon 02 Aug 10 (09:06am)
When you meet the right person you won’t even have to ask yourself whether to tell them about it.
Simple.
Why do people date/have relationships with people they cannot deeply relate with??
Mon 02 Aug 10 (09:06am)
My poor dear young lady!
You are absolutely correct in saying that society is much harder on an unattractive women than an unattractive man. Having strangers approach you in the street, for the sole purpose of informing you that you were “ugly” must have been heart-breaking.
So I do not blame you one bit for taking appropriate measures to improve your looks. You did what you had to do. I’d venture to say that it was a form of social survival.
That said, I believe you are under no obligation to tell future swains. However, if one should ask you directly, you should answer casually yet honestly. Eg “Yes, I fear my nose used to be rather crooked” or “Yes, my lips were out of proportion to the rest of my face”. etc.
Mon 02 Aug 10 (09:23am)
Great advice Ethel
Kate de Brito
Mon 02 Aug 10 (10:41am)
I had lots of dentistry done when I was a kid. Isn’t that the same thing?. It’s a non-issue.
Mon 02 Aug 10 (09:28am)
Mon 02 Aug 10 (01:24pm)
Same. Braces twice, teeth removed - wasn’t pretty… but I am happily married with 2 kids - my hubby doesn’t care one bit because he loves me for me - not my teeth!