The wife thinks I’m ruining their marriage

seems like the best plan… unless you value your friends

Yes… Seriously Time to let go and find new friends eh ?, You’ve become so friendly (to both of em) that theres now 3 in the bed and the little wife said “FUCK OFF!”

And sometimes everything IS black and white. For example the scenario described by the marriage-wrecking ball above.

Yeah she should really scale it back with the man and engage the wife more.

That said the wife’s paranoia does not spell good things for their marriage. Looks like they have work to do.

If the wife doesn’t have grounds for being worried and I was the husband, I wouldn’t be happy if I couldn’t talk to any other woman about innocent subjects unless she looked ugly or was a relative. Then again, I probably wouldn’t be in a relationship with a woman who would be jealous like that in the first place.

Do women think that it’s ok to control who their husband does and doesn’t talk to like this? And please don’t say that it isn’t control and that the man should just do it because he wants to. I understand that in a relationship you should be careful about your partner’s feelings, but I don’t like the idea of every guy having to get permission for things like this.

The problem here is not her friendship with him; it is the wife’s general insecurities.

I disagree completely with the idea heterosexual men and women can’t be friends.

Whoever’s fault. The man is likely to keep his marriage together and side with the wife and start cutting off the OP.

Doesn’t deal with the with the crazy of the wife!

Agree, By Stealth - and it goes both ways as I can’t stand guys who control who their women can talk to.

And it CAN be innocent!  Women are talkers and that CAN just be it.  Doesn’t mean they want to root everyone’s husband.

If it was me, I’d tell THEM to piss off and grow up and wouldn’t have anything to do with them.  Just let them be pathetic together with no close friends.  She probably stops him from going to the Pub with his mates in case the bar maid’s cute. 

Insecurity and jealousy - what a waste of energy.

@ ByStealth - Of course the wife doesn’t have a right to “control who her husband talks to”. That doesn’t mean she has to put up with him spending all his time off with some other woman.

The husband should act in a way that gives her confidence in his integrity - in this case, he should be saying “I understand that you’re feeling crowded by her. There’s no chance of anything happening between her and I, but your happiness is more important to me than my friendship with her, so I will cut back the time I spend with her.”

ByStealth - it works both ways, if the husband is paranoid, he also has a right to request explanation and scaling back from his wife.
When your partner starts spending a lot of time with the opposite sex (or the same if you’re a gay couple) then it’s not always a bad thing to pull them up on it.  For all we know, the husband may have cheated on his wife in the past or on a previous partner and the wife knows about it (but the OP doesn’t) hence her paranoia is not without reason.
Or, maybe the wife has cheated in the past and is paranoid because she’s remembering how it started for her…

In relationships it is vital to take the other person’s feelings into account and try not to do things that will cause them anxiety.  IF the anxiety is all encompassing and ridiculous, then the sufferer should seek counselling.  From what’s been said here though, this doesn’t seem to be the case.

As Bossy said, it might be more how the husband feels about/is reacting to the ‘friend’ that is the problem. If he is obviously attracted to the friend, the wife may feel threatened.
I trust my hubby implicitly, and don’t care how other women behave toward him, whether it is an innocent chat or an invitation to bed. I know he is not going to cheat, so it doesn’t matter what comes from the other person. It’s all about trust!
Regardless of this however, do you want to be seen as a marriage wrecker? If not, then back off and let them sort it out by themselves. If the problem is him, it will soon become apparent.

@Stealth - it’s more whether the wife is being pushed out of the conversations altogether, if they used to engage her and now don’t or they go out to bars together to chat and leave her out, it looks a little suspect especially if she was friends with the wife first, then it looks like she was only using the wife to get to the husband

My wife is so controlling of who i talk to I now appear rude when a woman talks to me because i’m scared of the fallout!
She says she doesnt trust other women… feels like I’m not trusted and as a result I;ve lost some female friends along the way - her friends at that!
As a result i have a bitterness to her over this.
I feel the poor fella… jelous wives can be poisionous.

The wife is clearly guilty of domestic abuse.

Go into any cop shop and check out the domestic abuse posters - limiting who a person can and cannot see is domestic abuse.

Or does that not apply if a woman is calling the shots?

Good responses guys. I’m glad to see paranoia without grounds isn’t the common approach when women are in relationships with men. I appreciate that this happens the other way too with men controlling their partners.

My concern is guys in serious relationships being cut off from their friends and then having no one to help them pick up the pieces if things fall over. I hate the idea of dependancy as I saw a mate of mine get shattered by this.

Could not have said it better myself mate. Well done.

I reckon its the husband’s responsibility to put the OP in her place, then the wife in her place.

It should go like this:

Husband to OP: Look, f-off. You might know a little bit about sport, but the only reason why I tolerate your substandard opinion is because you have cracking tits. It is shitting my wife, and rightly so, so auf weidersehen, toots. There are plenty of single blokes who will give you an ego boost. Don’t be one of those desperate tarts who pursues what is unattainable.

Husband to wife: I told OP to f-off because I understand that it worried you. See? You have nothing to be concerned about. I’m a good husband like that. Now, fetch me a scotch and fix me a steak, footys on.

hired goon, I like you.

Although I’d add that when the wife came back with the scotch and the steak, she’d be fully deserving of that back massage with scented oils that she’d get after dinner. Gotta keep the balance! That’s why my friends *and* my wife’s friends are envious of how much we both get out of our relationship.

Ok then. So as soon as everyone is grown up and married and paired off, we are only allowed to have friends of the same sex?

Are we not allowed to stay friends with our guy friends because they get girlfriends… or do we have to lay low until we find boyfriends, so we are seen as less of a threat. Fcking joke.

I agree if the wife ‘thinks’ the OP is ruining the marriage, then she should back off.... but the OP is allowed to have her gripe about it because this wife sounds like a silly, insecure, jealous and paranoid little girl. They mustnt have much trust in the marriage if a few conversations make her anxious. bitch. grow up.

One genuine male friend? Any non-genuine ones? I was going to ask whether you lived in Saudi Arabia but then I thought, nah, you can’t usually be friends with a headless gay person…

We men are quite simple.  Intimacy/friendship + any semblance of physical attractiveness = sexual attraction.  Not that it isn’t necessarily ‘innocent’ right now; he’s probably kidding himself that you’re just a mate too.  Sooner or later though, he’s thinking ‘why aren’t I married to OP?’ and picturing you naked.

Plus, if your common interest is sport it is quite possible that you are more physically active that the wife and she therefore has every reason to feel worried about hubby.

Ha!
When I say genuine male friend, I mean in the sense that he’s “mine” and not “ours”. As a couple we are friends with other couples and single guys, but I wouldn’t seek them out to spend time alone with them or to just call for a chat.

Chunks - most women have several non-genuine male friends. These are the guys who hang around her because they’re attracted to her but who are good enough at pretending they’re ‘real’ friends that she lets them continue.

The only time a man can genuinely be friends and not want anything more with a woman is when he’s not physically attracted to her (usually because he’s gay, or he’s already boning a hotter chick, or she’s that fugly). Chips just happens to be one of those rare women who’s honest enough to admit it.

For example, my wife has a ‘genuine’ male friend who is an absolute top bloke and I don’t feel threatened at all by him - even though he’s currently single because his boyfriend broke up with him. :/

Wow, i completely Agree,

Dont you just hate the girl thats a friend of “both of us” that comes around ALL the time , hangs on your husband (just as friends) flirts with hubby (just as friends) goes out to clubs together (just as friends) dirty dancing in the clubs, just mucking around (just as friends) spends the night after staying up all night chatting intimitely (just as friends) ... yeah…

I dont think you or him are fooling anyone, your actions as YOU put them to us OP sprout that theres more than friendship there, and the fact youve been told to leave them alone and thats not only not a simple task but you are seeking advice wether you should ignore it and continue seems like your desperate to find any excuse to spend ALL the time you can with this person. I mean Fucking serious, who are you kidding ? If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, then its probably a chicken ? wtf..

This. I’ve seen this situation play out plenty of times (including for me, more than once, until I figured it out).

Usually the jealous partner blames the outside attention, but their problem is really with the way the other partner is acting. Let’s call them Adam and Eve. At some point in the past, Eve’s felt (rightly or wrongly) that Unsure might be chasing Adam, and told him so, at which point he’s said “blah blah just friends don’t be silly” and kept hanging around with Unsure. This sends a clear message to Eve that she’s not as important to Adam as Unsure is, so obviously Eve feels even more insecure.

So yes, Unsure should back off, but that’s not this couple’s underlying problem. If Adam doesn’t get his priorities straight, and start respecting his wife’s feelings, he’ll eventually destroy all trust Eve has in him and she’ll leave him.

Yeah - I totally agree.  Just because you don’t have feelings doesn’t mean that he doesn’t. 
I am sure the wife is right to be concerned.

That’s the best advice ever, Doc!

Archery is a great sport for any gender or age, but we could use a few more hot, single ladies.

However, I’d recommend she start with a recurve. Look up the Australian Bowhunters Association. Don’t let the ‘hunter’ part put you off; we don’t all hunt.

RE OP, I’d back it off a little. The missus sounds unreasonable, manipulative and controlling, looking for some drama and you’re ‘it’. So just keep your head down until she finds something or someone else to blame for her failing marriage. Stay in touch with your friend until the inevitable divorce, then you can talk sport pillow-talk all you like with a clear conscience.

Definately need to back off, keep out of it & only spend time with the two of them, if its effecting the marriage then its affecting the marriage & it could be for not other reason than simple female jealousy & perception of the frienship being more than it is, thats women (Well not just women, men can be jealous dicks too).

These guys are right tho, you should totally give archery a try, heaps of fun, the people are cool, varied & interesting. I gave it a go & got addicted, I don’t need a girl, already got one but it is a sport that could use more single ladies for those Robin hoods of the single disposition....

Spot on aunty22!

The fact that he is telling you what should be very personal and private thoughts shared from a wife to a husband says it all!

Back off, you very well know that what you are doing is wrong.

Agreed. It all might seem like fun and innocent but I think you’re enjoying the chase right now. I think there’s some tension there that will one day boil over and one of you is going to want to play “just the tip, just for a second, just to see how it feels” and it’s going to end awfully. He’s betrayed his wife enough as it is by telling you their confidential convo. Sure, connecting with people can be very hard, good friends are not that easy to find… but I’m sure you could find a nice single boy to talk about sports with. Take care of yourself, stop this all before anyone gets hurt - shoot through now.

Yeah bro. You from Taihape too are you cuz?? Sweet As!!!

...Christchurch

why is talking to a married man so important that you need to write to Bossy anyway??