9:06 PM LATE-BREAKING NEWS: This show called America’s Got Talent is amazing! “And that’s the news from Lake Woebegyone.”

8:57 PM This show is inside my head now. I want Nathan to win it! But oh no! Game over! They won $250,000. And also they won our hearts, and that’s worth more than money. (Just kidding, money rules everything! C.R.E.A.M.) See you next week! I’ll be liveblogging MTWI from North Carolina; it’ll be amazing!

8:55 PM They’ve switched: Now Chelsea is doing the spoon game. She took off her jacket — she’s wearing a 25th century exercise outfit from Moon-Base Alpha. Uh-oh! They failed again! Maybe they won’t win the million bucks … my credibility as a Minute to Win It sage is in jeopardy …

8:54 PM They should call this show “Redundant Interview Showcase.”

8:53 PM Come on, Nathan. Use the spoon to hit the marbles, or whatever. Umm… wait, this looks easy to me. Ugh. One fell off the table. “Level 9, FAILED.” Only two lives remaining — then the contestants are literally murdered.

8:49 PM Oh great, the Million Dollar Mission: “Super Coin, the Game That Can Never Be Won By Any Mortal.” Oh shit, though: I really, really, really like this audience contestant. “Big D.” Oh shit, I just dropped a literal LOL on this kid. Please, please, please, “Big D,” win this insanely impossible challenge!!!

8:47 PM I’m going to kill whoever decided to use “Free To Be You And Me” in a Target commercial. We all hate Target now, right? I mean, they’re supporting some dickhead homophobe politician, right? What’s the difference between Target and Wal-Mart? (Serious question.)

8:45 PM My Nathan-verdict it in: Back tattoos, not hair. Now he’s gotta mess with this spoon for $500,000. “Get rich or die tryin’.” Eat, Pray, Love trailer alert! Wouldn’t it have been funny if they named it “Eat, Pray, Or Love, You May Only Choose One”?

8:44 PM Nice! This challenge is like pinball, but with spoons and marbles. I think Chelsea whitened her teeth. Does everybody do that now?

8:43 PM Get that money!!!!!!!

8:40 PM Horseshoe blowing game begins … NOW! Gaydar readings are off the charts right now. (Those watching at home know what I mean.) He’s about to win $250,000! DONE. They’re winning a million bucks. I will bet anyone a million bucks about that. The producers aren’t dumb. Somebody’s gotta win big. Nathan is going BUCK right now; he’s so excited. We’re having a complete reality breakdown right now on the TV.

8:36 PM This is for a quarter-million dollars. Go Nathan! Do the thing with the horseshoes! Oh wait, first we have a commercial. Instant commercial grades begins now:
SHOUT COLOR CATCHER: C+
DUNKIN’ DONUTS ICE MOCHA BEVERAGES: C-
ORAL-B TOOTHBRUSH: B+ (the music is good, the setting is a little surreal. One of my favorite toothbrush commercials)
APPLEBEE’S: B (A “B” for Applebee’s, how ironic is that?)
SAMSUNG GALAXY S: D+ (You’re really gonna watch Avatar on a phone? Please.)
HYUNDAI UNCENSORED: A+ Fuck yeah, I’m feeeeeeling this commercial! Secret cameras in Hyundais, and they show us footage of people being like, “Goddamn I love this fucking Hyundai!” That’s like my favorite kind of thing in the world, it’s like the Friday Face-Offs of car commercials.

8:35 PM Now they have to mess around with some horseshoes. They have to blow a ball into a horseshoe, I think. SIDE NOTE: Goddamn Nathan’s biceps are looking gyooood tonight.

8:34 PM Sometimes I find Minute to Win It a little emotionally manipulative. I wish Werner Herzog would direct an episode.

8:30 PM Does Nathan have a back tattoo or just a hairy back? I can’t tell. Can someone in the studio audience te– HOLD ON wait a minute Nathan is talking about his time in the military. Is it DADT? Oh wait no, it’s about his dad died of cancer. Oh shit, these dudes are TOTALLY gonna win a million dollars. I can’t call this hard enough. Oh wait, his dad is still alive? I’m confused about his personal story. Oh shit Guy Fieri is upping the ante by talking about how his sister has cancer? We’re on some high-drama ish right now! This ish is getting sooo intense! Music is tugging the heartstrings right now!!! We’re about to see some people win a cool million or my name isn’t “World’s Greatest Minute to Win It Liveblogger …”

8:29 PM Okay. I’m going into Sy Hersh mode again. The producers are stacking it so these guys win a millie. They just did a damn cereal box puzzle in like 20 seconds.

8:25 PM Outsourced, the hot new comedy that I have now seen 100 ads for, will be a big hot huge failure (my prediction).

8:22 PM My new liveblog feature is called “Instant Commercial Grades.” It begins now.
WENDY’S AD: B-
SUBARU AD: A
RADIO SHACK AD: C
YOPLAIT DELIGHTS AD: C+
LOWE’S AD: A- (I love the woman in this ad) /
CREST PRO HEALTH TOOTHPASTE AD: F (Booooorrrrrrriiiinnngggg)

8:21 PM This challenge is called “The Goat-Carcass Scramble.” They have to rearrange all the body parts of a dead goat. (”Fake challenge joke” never gets old for me.)

8:20 PM Why are her shorts so short and tight? Is that the style for game-show contestants? You never saw that on $ale of the Century (one of my all time faves).

8:17 PM I can’t tell WHAT the hell this $75,000 challenge is about. It’s called “Layin’ Track.” I hope they have to lay down a hot track over a Prince Paul beat. Freestyle rap battle begins now! You have to rap a whole song in one minute! Just kidding, what they have to do is create a track made out of staples and use it to guide a marble over some erasers. Basically, somebody was smoking some “hurb” in the office and got reaaaaally nice ‘n’ baked and developed this game, right? This show is about smoking drugs and winning money. I bet the executive producer is secretly Lil Wayne. Anyway, guess what? Chelsea just cold-won $75,000! These two contestants are gonna win a goddamn million dollars tonight — I’m calling it now.

8:16 PM Rudy Giuliani’s daughter was arrested! I didn’t know “Having a huge douchebag for a father” was a crime …

8:15 PM Hell yes! It’s about time Stop & Shop got a good commercial. It’s a pretty jamming supermarket.

8:14 PM That Wheat Thins commercial was basically my ultimate fantasy. Some guy shows up at your house and drops off 10,000 boxes of Wheat Thins? “Where do I sign up?”

8:13 PM I’m going to run to the kitchen and grab a bottle of beer. I’ll be right back. Email me if something insane happens in the next 30 seconds, beginning …. NOW.

8:10 PM Umm … could this challenge be any easier? Chelsea and Nathan are straight dominating right now. Who thought this was an appropriate $50,000 challenge? Somebody’s head better be on the chopping block for that. That was like a $40.92 challenge!!! Oh snap, it’s time to learn about the contestants’ families. Chelsea is a “daddy’s girl,” and Nathan is a soldier. But you know what? I just heard a tingle on my ol’ gaydar. I think Nathan might be gay. That means Chelsea and Nathan won’t get married! And goddamn, their parents still look younger than me, even a week later! (Because remember when I mentioned that last week?)

8:08 PM Oh, for God’s sake, stop promoting the Million Dollar Coin-Flip Challenge, we all know nobody will ever win it. Anyway, back to “Bouncer,” which involves ping-pong balls and pint glasses. You can play this game at home, just text 23592 to “MinuteWinIt” and Guy Fieri will drive to your house and eat your nachos while you play.

8:07 PM That was a pretty effective McDonald’s commercial. It was about going to Mickey D’s and buying a frappe and drinking it all by yourself: “Me Time.”

8:05 PM Next contest is called “BOUNCER.” Aaaaand … immediately go to commercial. I’d love to know how much crack cocaine the editors of this show smoke every day. Fifty pounds per editor? Mixed with Gatorade Frost for extreme high-energy madness?

8:04 PM Gotta admit my arch-enemy Guy Fieri is shining right now, revealing the can-tab-amount-stickers. Milk it, Guy! Loving this — Chelsea and Nathan (sorry, “Nate”) just won $10,000! I hope they win a million dollars and spend it all on a completely crazy wedding.

8:03 PM Umm, did Chelsea just call Nathan “Nate?” That implies a certain shall we say familiarity, a certain EROTIC KNOWLEDGE that is without precedence on Minute to Win It … can he sort the cans in time? SEX IS IN THE AIR ON MINUTE TO WIN IT, IF YOU ASK ME …

8:01 PM This challenge involves soda cans filled with coins. They must sort (or “file”) the cans. I would CRUSH this event b/c I love sorting and filing. I even used to make cartoons about it. (Ask my grandmama, she’ll tell you all about it. It was back in the dial-up days.) Here goes Nathan …

8:00:45 PM Chelsea and Nathan are BACK! My favorite contestants are deeeeeep in the game at this point … I predict love in their future, if not wedding bells! I love these guys, I hope I can liveblog their wedding. (Did I tell you about my new business plan? Wedding Liveblogger. Call me for my rates.)

8:00 PM Here we go! Another summer Wednesday … another episode of “Minute to Win It” … another liveblogging spectacular NOW IN HIGH-DEFINITION INTERNET… I love it, you love it, and America (our country) loves it …

I’m finally back from Chelsea’s wedding. Thanks for everyone who wrote asking if I was okay. I am okay. I’m more than okay. I had the most amazing time with all my new friends!

Anyway, I’ll be liveblogging Minute to Win It tonight at 8:00 PM EST. See you then!

I live pretty close to Rhinebeck, which is where Chelsea Clinton is getting married tomorrow. I’m going to drive there and liveblog the wedding.

What could go wrong? I’ll just make my own laminated badge that says “OFFICIAL WEDDING BLOGGER” and bring my “fancy” laptop (not my casual-Friday laptop, the one with the silk trim) and walk into the mansion(?) where she’s getting married and get to liveblogging.

Guys, it’s a-gonna be a-great.

The web site True/Slant is shutting down this weekend. I was an occasional contributor. As a favor to you, I have compiled the 10 best articles T/S ever published.

When I’m mailing a pencil to a customer, and the post office clerk asks me “if there is anything hazardous” in the shipping container, am I obligated to tell her the pencil is hazardous? Because it could totally poke your eye out in about one second.

8:59 PM That’s it, my second episode of MTWI is over. See you next week!

8:58 PM If the two members of Team Awesome don’t copulate and create a race of beautiful superhumans TONIGHT I am going to sue everybody.

8:56 PM Goddamn, “Team Awesome” member Nate (the guy with the big biceps) just channeled the HELL out of my dear old beloved housemate B.G. from back in Boston days. He was talking about his background in mathematics and how it’s gonna help him complete this challenge where he’s gotta roll a marble down a ruler. That was cool.

8:54 PM What if one day Guy Fieri went crazy and introduced the challenge and then turned to the contestant and said, “You’ve got a WEEK to win it. Take your time.” Lawsuit from the producers to Guy Fieri. Investigative report from TV Guide. Wait, umm… sorry to stop making my humorous comments, but when did G.F. totally change outfits? Now he’s dressed in “Miami Evening Casual With High Probability of Buffalo Wings.” Is this the most slapdash show of all time?

8:53 PM Okay, back to “Team Awesome.” Here’s their Level 2 challenge: “Supreme Gas Huffer.” Huff a lot of gas and then fall down. Just kidding, of course, it’s called something else. Hey, as long as it’s not called, “Drag This Dead Cat Into This Bag While Balancing On A Ladder And Gagging,” I’m into it.

8:51 PM Nobody will ever, ever, evvvvver win “Super Coin” for the one million dollar prize. Ever. You might as well eat a roller coaster in a minute. Ie, it’s a fool’s errand.

8:50 PM “Super Coin.” Play for a million dollars. You might as well just play the lottery. Hey guys, do we think G.F. has tattoos? How do we find out? I bet he has a tattoo of a big plate of nachos on his back.

8:48 PM Well, thanks to that Hebrew National ad, I now I know who I’m voting for in the 2010 “Least-Lookin’ Like Queen Elizabeth In A Commercial” Election. Was she really supposed to be Queen Elizabeth?

8:47 PM Fruit smoothies at McDonald’s, and the commercial’s music sounds like Kronos Quartet on X (the drug “ecstasy”.)

8:46 PM These contestants have named their team “Team Awesome.” I subtract 5 charisma points from their total.

8:45 PM Are you kidding with how attractive these contestants are? That guy Nate’s arms are lookin’ BANGING. He even has that too-old-for-emo-yet-semi-emo hair that drives the ladies BONKERNANAS.

8:44 PM Time to play Tilt-A-Cup. This game looks well neigh impossible. If I was Edgar Allen Poe’s raven, I’d say: “You’ll win this game NEVERMORE.”

8:42 PM The judges declared that the sorority sisters did not play by the rules. BUSTED. They go home in shame. And the sausage factory continues its grind: Two new contestants, who just happen to be the most physically attractive game-show contestants in television history.

8:40 PM Still hating on this Chrysler commercial.

8:38 PM Ooh, NICE shot of #2 pencils in this Office Max commercial. Damn, that was hot.

8:36 PM Oh, snap! Did they cheat? Did they violate scuba-flipper-tennis 101? First these messages … here’s an ad about a car that has a fancy radio that works like a TiVo or something.

8:35 PM Next: A mutated form of tennis using scuba flippers and a cooler. “What vision of hell be this?” (That’s what Aristotle would say if he was watching this.) “What taste of madness hath now alighted upon my old-timey tongue?” (Another option for ol’ Aristotle.)

8:34 PM G.F.’s goatee is more complicated than I thought at first.

8:32 PM Can they do it??? I think they can. The clock is on their side … Victory is at hand! $50,000 in the pocket! The sorority girls are happy. They both hugged G.F. Umm … the sorority girls’ parents look YOUNGER THAN ME. What’s up with that? Am I really that old? I’m older than the parents of contestants on game shows???

8:31 PM Time to roll marbles through a pool noodle for $50,000.

8:29 PM Little sister is a bit of a scene-stealer. Has she been coached by the producers? My inner Seymour Hersh says YES. Hello, I just realized G.F. is wearing panama shorts or capri pants, or whatever you call them. Hmm. Maybe I can’t step to him after all.

8:28 PM I stand before you humbled and ashamed. They won Whippersnapper. They advance to the next round. Guy Fieri: “That was intense.” See, that’s why he’s a bad host. I woulda been like, “Ladies, that was super intense. That was one of the most amazing things in all of human history, except for that one time when I had a dead cat in my garage.”

8:27 PM This challenge is called “Whippersnapper,” but these girls know it as “Soulcrusherandmakeyougohome-er.”

8:26 PM Who wants to eat a pound of cocaine with me and then go see “Charlie St. Cloud?”

8:25 PM Oh, Arby’s-dad. You lucky bastard! (Anybody watching the show will know what I’m talking about.)

8:24 PM Oh, Nick Drake. You poor guy. (Anybody watching the show will know what I’m talking about.)

8:22 PM That dead cat was smelling “not nice.” Okay, these ladies only have one final chance left in their quiver of possibility. They just plain ol’ cannot seem to whip the ping-pong balls into the innertube. OKAY THAT WAS A CLASSIC, INSANE CUTAWAY, RIGHT? (Anybody watching the show will know what I’m talking about.)

8:21 PM This innertube will be these ladies’ Waterloo. (That’s the battle where you lose, right?)

8:19 PM Sorority sisters failed to bounce balls into an innertube. News at 11. How much blood is on your hands, Mr. Fieri? Why do you wear sunglasses on the back of your head?

8:18 PM Look at this family playing homegrown Minute to Win It and being immortalized on television. You know what? There’s something about this show I don’t trust … I’m just starting to get a weird vibe from MTWI. I’m going into Seymour Hersh mode.

8:17 PM Eek! Rats in a park! News at 11:00. “Truth is stranger than fiction.”

8:14 PM Does Dove make soap and chocolate? “I don’t a-get it.” Now I’m watching a commercial about some new kind of phone from T-Mobile that can do all these amazing things like send a photo to your brother? Again, “Color me befuddled.” Okay, now we’re getting pumped for a new detergent called WISK. Hey, that’s Elmer Fudd’s favorite table-top strategy game!

8:12 PM As I poked my head up into the rafters and turned on my flashlight, I was like, “You’re probably about to see something gruesome. Keep your cool.” And then I basically just moaned and groaned for the next two hours. Where was Guy Fieri? Nowhere I could see. Uh-oh, he just brought some kind onstage and let her say “Minute to Win It!” and then said, “You’re about this close to taking over my show.” Yeah, that’s right, Guy … I’m coming for your JOB. Let me make an announcement on your show; you’ll never regain control from me.

8:08 PM Here’s a commercial for a movie called “Cats and Dogs: Something something,” which reminds me of what I did today, which was retrieve a maggot-infested cat corpse from the rafters of my garage (if you are one of my facebook friends, you know this already). Anyway, it was brutal. Lesson: When your garage starts smelling weird, do not hesitate — INVESTIGATE. Instead I was all like, “Oh, it’s probably a seasonal smell, related to pollen.” Yeah right! It was related to about 10,000 pounds of dried-up cat poopoo and an emaciated cat with grubs and bugs crawling all over it like some vision of Dante’s nightmare on Elm Street. I entered a spiritual malaise over that action. Oh, wait — Minute to Win It is back on! They gotta force a golf ball through a grill or something? Roll golf balls into the vent-holes on a grid lid? YES, SHE CAN. $5,000 is theirs!

8:07 PM This Tide detergent commercial is BORRRRRRRING

8:06 PM Is Guy Fieri wearing sunglasses backwards? Who is this guy? LOL, those cutaways to commercials are pretty normal, right? I always assume NBC’s satellite has fallen out of orbit. WHAT MANIACS ARE BEHIND THIS SHOW???

8:05 PM Guy Fieri’s commentary is especially banal this evening. How I loathe him … yet envy him.

8:03 PM Are you ready for your next challenge? It’s called “Wind-Up Bird Chronicles.” You gotta hang out in the bottom of a well for like five days. You’ve got a minute to win it! Just kidding, it’s a challenge with a kite. They have to run around with a kite. It’s called “High As A Kite.” (Minute to Win It producers having a LOL over that one.)

8:02 PM The thing I like about this show is it feels choppily edited. Which is rare for a game show. So it feels a little bit surreal — a little off-kilter, like a Murakami(sp) story.

8:01:50 PM Here’s Guy Fieri in his latest bowling shirt, announcing the new game “Loop De Loop,” in which they must roll a hoop over a bottle. America, are we ready?

8:01 PM Tonight all the contestants are sorority sisters? Are you serious? “America, I love you more and more each day. I have finally chosen you over the Taliban.”

8:00 PM It’s a Minute to Win It beach party! With my longstanding foe Guy Fieri!

7:58:40 PM Jeep commercials are still the best: “I live. I ride. I am. Jeep. I am a human Jeep. Bow down before me.”

7:58 PM Let’s go, let’s do this, let’s win it in a single minute! All things are possible through (via?) the Lord.

I’ll be liveblogging “Minute to Win It” tonight at 8:00 PM EST.

The response to the pencil-sharpening business has been amazing.

Today I sharpened more pencils than any other day of my life!