Ask Bossy

Dear Bossy,

I have been with my boyfriend for over a year. We have heaps of fun together, we love each other, and he adores me. The only problem is that he is incredibly immature. This bugs me a lot, as he is kind of embarrasing and it’s almost impossible to have a serious or intelligent conversation. I desperately crave maturity in our relationship, but I don’t want to leave him because he is loyal, kind, fun and has mostly similar values. We’re only young (i’m 19, he is 18), but he often says he wants to marry me one day and has thought about proposing in a year or two.

Do you and your readers think that his immaturity will cause problems in the future, or is it irrelevant? Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

Foggy Future

Dear Bossy: I have only recently discovered your blog and enjoy reading it, and with my current situation I was hoping you and readers may be able to help me..

About a year ago I found a old friend online. Unfortunately since i knew him i moved away to another state, we started talking a lot and for my birthday last year he bought me tickets to fly to visit him. Since that trip we became a item, long distance relationship, knew it was going to be hard but at the time he was worth it. During that first trip he told me i was beautiful, had a beautiful smile and beautiful eyes, but it wouldn’t hurt to lose some weight. I’m 5ft7 a size 14-16 (depending on make) and weight at the moment around 89kgs. When i first met him i was nearing 95kgs. I know I’m not perfect but i am not totally obese (even tho i could lose some kgs) I am happy with myself.

Things have been pretty good until a friend of his moved him with him and started to say some things, which in turn made him think he is too young to settle down and resulted in him saying that he wasn’t sure he loved me anymore, and the weight issue came up again.

His family and he were thinking of moving closer up my way late last year and it was becoming a possibility, naturally I was excited. I would have my boyfriend within driving distance. I really believe that something could come out of this, and he had previously said he was going to marry me one day. One day in January he told me his family has changed their mind, I asked what was going to happen with us and he couldn’t tell me. He couldn’t tell me that he saw a future anymore. Naturally that hurt. We talked things through and things got back on track kind of.

Since then things have gotten worse. He barely talks to me, hasn’t told me he loves me and I just feel lonely, even 2000kms away. He sent flowers for valentines day, i tried calling him but woke him up and he said he will call me back, and didn’t. So that hurt. I finally got some stuff out of him last night because I have been really confused and upset.

Turns out that the reason he hasn’t been telling me that he loves me, even though according to him he thinks of me constantly and talks about me to his friends, but the reason is that he isn’t attracted to me, because of my size. He says he isn’t shallow and that he just wants to be honest with me and wants me to be healthy.

My dilemma is that I’m over getting my heart hurt and I had booked to fly down and see him next week (thursday) but he still wants me to stay with him. But i don’t know if i can. How can i share a bed knowing that he isn’t attracted to me, and that for him there is no sexual chemistry. I have plenty of other people to stay with. But his reasoning is ‘ this doesnt change us, or plans - only if you make it affect us’ and ‘there is no altumatum, im commited to this for better or worse and if i cant be honest with you, whats the point’ .

What should I do, Is it worth making it work, i do love him and spending time with him, but if he cant be with me for how i am now is it worth it in th end. Should i stay with him or not? or should i got with my head and end it and hope he gets his act together and maybe come back?

Im gutted please help.

Continue reading 'Will he love me if I lose weight?'

Dear Bossy: I have just discovered your column and have spent the better part of the morning reading through most of the previous posts, love it! I have been struggling with a moral dilemma for a while now and think that you might just be the one to help me see clearly.

I have been friends with this guy- C for 20 years now, we are both 25. He is basically part of my family and has been since we met in grade prep. He comes over to my house every day just to talk to my mum as he adores her.

When we were 15, we both developed feelings for each other, but as he was so close to my brother (who is 7 years older than us), he was too scared to do anything about it, so I eventually moved on. Fast forward to 10 months ago… He has been seeing this girl, P, for 3 years now, and lives with her a street away from me. He started talking to me one night on Facebook, while his girlfriend was in the bed next to him sleeping. Out of nowhere he started telling me how he still wants me but he doesn’t know what to do because of his girlfriend. He also said he is worried of what my brother might do/feel. I just brushed it off and ended the conversation pretty quickly after that, as I didn’t need those old feelings resurfacing, especially knowing he has a girlfriend.

I backed off for a few months after that because I didn’t want to interfere in his relationship and I thought that if I wasn’t so much of a presence in his life he will eventually get over the feelings and move on. Then suddenly, 2 months after that happened, he contacted me again, and to be honest I was going through a hard time and really wanted him back in my life so we started emailing, texting etc. He started coming over again and flirt quite a lot with me… and I’m ashamed to say I flirted back. So of course all my old feelings came rushing back!!

We continued flirting online, but he always initiated it. Then 6 months ago he called my brother and told him his girlfriend was pregnant. Even though we lived a street apart he never told me, and stopped all contact with me. I was fine with that, because the pregnancy hurt me and I knew there was no chance anything could happen. When his girlfriend was 2 months pregnant (they told people quite early on), he finally texted me telling me about the baby, I acted all surprised and happy etc but really it killed me.

Now that he has told me, we are talking quite a lot. I know he is excited to be a dad, but it is also stressing him because his girlfriend doesn’t have a car or a license (even though she is 21) and a very low paying customer service job, so he is working about 60 hours a week just to save up money for the baby, and he won’t be able to work as much when bubs comes along as he has to be there to drive the baby places.

He came over the other day to see mum, and every time she asks him how his girlfriend is, he just says “Fine” and quickly changes the topic. This is a guy who tells my mum more than I do, and in the 3 years they have been together he has never once introduced her to us or spoken about her. After he left, mum told me that it was obvious he feels trapped by her and clearly still wants me (and for the record, I have never once told mum how I feel about him, she still thinks I see him as a friend, and doesn’t know how much we have been talking lately). All of my friends can see it too, so I’m adamant that I’m not fabricating this story in my head!

So my question is- what do I do?? This is the one guy I have ever wanted to be in a relationship with (that word terrifies me and normally sends me into a panic, but it feels so right with C), I know he wants me too and is clearly unhappy in his relationship with P. We were at a party together not long ago, P stayed at home. We shared a taxi, and he kept doing everything he could to touch me in the backseat, I shoved him off saying it’s not right. She keeps pestering him to propose, so they put a ring on laybuy and he was going to propose at Christmas but told me he chickened out because he can’t see the relationship lasting.

Should I tell him how I really feel? It’s not as if he will neglect his daughter once she is born- he told me that even if and when they break up, he will always be there for her and provide child support, share custody etc. I feel guilty because I know this will hurt P, but really… if C doesn’t want to be with her, why should he suffer because they have a child? .

Continue reading 'He’s about to become a father, should I tell him how I really feel?'

Dear Bossy: This is an unusual problem which might sound amusing to some but is really serious.

My daughter has a lovely young fella. He’s clean cut, polite and treats her well. They are clearly in love. Obviously a seriously potential son in law.

The “problem” is I think they will soon be sexually active - with which I have no problem. However when my husband and the boyfriend came home from the beach they were all hot so went for the shower. Hubbie “saw” the boyfriend’s flacid penis whilst they were swapping places in the shower room and he told me it’s a whopper in all measurements.

Hubbie is a standard size guy & so could make a judgement. My “problem” is - is it a problem? Should I tell my daughter what she may be (I nearly wrote facing) having to deal with. Or is it a non-issue?  Is it my business?

Hubbie thinks, like most men, he would like a monster too! But I’m not even going there so far as the “lucky girl” & other joke asides are concerned. Daughter is a standard 5ft 5 inch tall dress size 14.

Please advise

.

Continue reading 'My daughter’s boyfriend is well hung. Should I talk to her about potential complications?'

Dear Bossy: Love your blog.  Straight to the point.  I live in a two storey apartment building, directly above a couple with a one year old son.  Both myself and the couple have one bedroom apartments, with my bedroom situated directly above theirs.  From the time the baby arrived home he has been in their room … and cried.  Incessantly.  For a year.  At any and all hours of the night.  And the noise carries.  They have apologised on several occasions including buying me flowers a couple of times and each time I’ve said something like “don’t worry, I understand”, “you have it worse than me”, “he’ll settle down soon”, or “let’s cross our fingers he sleeps tonight”.  I get that babies cry and I thought I was prepared for some noise (obviously I had no say in the situation so have tried to make the best of it – it’s not like I can ask them to give him away or move).

But over the past 3 weeks things have gone to a whole new level.  The couple have decided to finally start “sleep training” the one-year-old child.  I don’t know if they’ve sought professional advice, or have just read a couple of books, but suffice to say it’s not working.  The little boy wakes at all hours of the night and shrieks – we’re talking high volume, high pitched, distressed, hysterical screaming – for up to 2 hours straight.  That is not an exaggeration.  On Saturday he screamed from 4am to 6am, at which point my boyfriend and I decided to give up on our weekend sleep-in and do our grocery shopping to get away from the noise.

I have been wearing earplugs to bed on and off for a year (and developed an ear infection on two occasions from wearing them), but they worked when the couple were picking him up every time he cried (the crying was at a lower volume and pitch), but now they are useless in the face of this new level of screaming.  Last night my boyfriend and I got home from dinner at 10:30pm, walked into my apartment, heard the screeching, packed our bags and went to his place which is a 30 minute drive away and an additional 40 minutes for me to get to work in the morning.  I was in tears.  I love living where I live, it has always been my personal haven, but it has now gotten to the point that I don’t feel relaxed in my own home.  When I lay in bed I feel tense as I’m just waiting for the noise to start.

To add to the issue, my boyfriend was meant to be moving in with me at the end of the month.  We have decided to delay this as we need somewhere to escape to when the screaming starts.  So it has also started to affect my personal life.

I have a list of sleep training specialists and phone numbers which my friends have given me, but I am very concerned that by making suggestions about how to raise their child I am about to create an additional problem.  I’m 30 and the couple are around 36, so I’d like to think we can be adult and have an open discussion but the whole baby topic is such a sensitive one.  In the beginning I didn’t want to add to what has been a difficult situation for them, and I didn’t want to risk damaging what has been a respectful and friendly relationship with my neighbours.  They also have close friendships with some of the other residents (all owners) and putting the couple offside by mishandling this delicate situation could also mean putting other neighbours offside.  I haven’t discussed this with other neighbours as I didn’t want to be seen to be “bitching”, so don’t know how much the noise carries elsewhere, but due to the configuration of the building I’m certain no other apartments are as severely affected by the noise.

I realise what I first thought was me being considerate and understanding has contributed to creating this crappy situation. What can I do to get a decent nights sleep in my home, feel relaxed again and still maintain relations with my neighbours?  Please help.

The Princess and the Pea-ple Downstairs.

Continue reading 'What can I do about the neighbour’s screaming baby?'

Dear Bossy: I’m a long time reader and fully expect to be called an asshat for my question but here goes....

My (separated) husband and I were married for seven years, it never seemed that anyone was on our side and we had financial problems/new baby/both families hated each other’s partner etc etc.
However ‘love will conquer all............right?’.

He was a good husband despite having an emotional affair in the 4th year, which ironically was when the relationship was at its best, our son was happy and we actually had money for a change however, I forgave him, but it wasn’t helped by his constant lying about it.

Our sex life was awful- I’m the raunchy try anything once type (lady in the street, whore in the bedroom) and his liimit became once a month after he gained 90 kgs.

I was also a poor wife, I complained about having no friends and admit I made my husband and son wayyyyyy too much of my life with very few outside interests.

My ex husband was negative and had severe depression which wasnt helped by his drinking, he started to hurt me so I asked him to choose me and AA or to leave.

He chose AA, but it was considered a ‘controlling thing’ by me. I had a bad childhood I had to sort out.

He hates public singing (concerts, family fun days etc) and he hates going out. So we didnt. Ever. He hates cooking. So he didn’t. Ever.

So after 7 years, I couldn’t take any more. I heard his voice in my head for far too long, I didn’t know what my own sounded like anymore, I told my exhusband this and he confessed that he hadn’t felt ‘what he should for me’ for four years, this infuriated me, as I had tried so hard to always look my best etc etc and yet I believed it was my fault he would forget I was there.

So I left. I left our amazing, beautiful home and moved into an apartment.

I contacted my old friends who always felt uncomfortable around my ex (who is the strong, silent, sit there and frown type) , I started reconnecting with my faith (he was an atheist who ridiculed it) and started going out. I had a brief fling with an idiot and realised that was stupid and decided to get myself a career lol, so I decided to go to law school! I can’t believe I had the courage to apply but I did, and Im getting nothing but distinctions!!!

Well, it turns out the city I need to be commuting from was the one I had left; however despite impeccable references and rental history, I have gotten nowhere. At all. Every week I apply for homes but I just keep hearing “oh, it’s just you applying.....”

So I decided to move back in as a separated couple. Everything was fine until he found out about....we will call him Bob.

I met Bob through friends of friends, I had known ‘of him’ for years, and to put it simply he is everything to me. He is positive, kind, sweet, gentle and so loving towards my son and I. He is thoughtful and there isn’t a day that goes by that I am not told how loved I am by him and yes, he has seen my sons temper tantrums.

When we are at the park unlike my ex husband who (on the very, very rare times he would go) would play on his phone and whine that this was boring, Bob gets on the seesaw with my son, he runs around and my son, completly unexpectedly the other day reached over and said “I love you Bob” and he was very touched.

His family loves me, his friends love me and I feel like I can breathe again.

I became very ill and my ex husband took care of me (well okay, he made sure i didnt die lol) but ever since he found out about Bob, he has been bending over backwards to try and be with me, complimenting me, getting my favourite foods (he learnt to cook when I was gone) and offering to go to things he ridiculed only a few years ago, he has lost the weight and is encouraging and trying to be kind to me and even helping to organise his schedule around activites I have taken up.

So my question is, my heart is with Bob. I adore him. But I am a child of a horrific divorce myself and don’t want my son to have to go through it, and I am 100 percent convinced it will get nasty once Bob gets into the mix because of my ex husband. My ex husband loves me and is making such big changes though.

I know the ‘right’ thing to do would be to go back to my ex husband, but I’m not sure I can gice Bob up, he wants to be with me and I am committed to him (my ex husband actually talks about him now casually thats how much he is in my life) but my ex husband hates my son talking about Bob and so he feels like its keeping a secret from his father. As a result I have kept Bob and him apart since this revalation. This hurts Bob immeasurably.

So bossy and peeps, Im not even thirty yet but I’m in an awful mess. Please help.

Continue reading 'Hubby or new lover?'

Dear Bossy: I spilled some coffee on my now x boy friends laptop, it does not appear to be fixable and he is demanding that i pay to get him a new one about $2,000.
I would wish i had the funds to do just this , but i don’t. Part of this because the xboy friend has been unimployed or partly employed for the last 6 months and i have been supporting him. Should i have to buy him a new laptop ?
Confused.

Continue reading 'Spilled coffee on his laptop. Do I pay?'

Dear Bossy: I need some advice on how to deal with a family situation. My brother is dating a woman who is emotionally abusive towards him and I’m not sure how to handle it.

I won’t go into too much detail on the abuse, just enough to give you a picture. They have been together for a little over a year and until late last year we thought everything was great. Then they had a fight and everything came spilling out.

She controls everything he does, launches into tirades about nothing and generally says horrible things eg you’re a freak, nobody likes you, my whole family hates you. Anything can set her off- they have had fights because of a facial expression, the simple fact of him being in the room and a misunderstanding where she didn’t think he had done something that he had done, even when she realised that he had done exactly as she asked, he still copped it. She has absolute control over what he does, who he spends time with and how he spends his money even though they don’t live together and she refuses to tell him a thing about her own finances.

He knows that what she is doing is wrong and every time they have a fight he comes to us (me and my Mum) with his woes. He says that he knows that what she is doing is destructive to the relationship, but he thinks he can change her. Yeah, okay. Basically he can’t see that it is abuse, if you swapped their genders and the guy was hitting his girlfriend over this stuff, you’d be calling the police and telling her to get the hell out. He always seems to be on the verge of leaving her then she calls and he’s there for her asap- last time he went back to her at about 2am.

This whole situation is tearing my mother up. She is on her own and a massive stress head as it is. She is afraid that the girl will pull my brother away (she gets angry when he talks to us about his problems)., but she tells me she doesn’t want the girlfriend in the house. I keep trying to tell her that this will just make it easier for the girlfriend to cut him off from us.

I have two questions. Sort of. One, is there anything we can do about this relationship? I doubt there is, I think we have to wait for it to run it’s course (and hope it does). I know you can’t make a person see something until they’re ready. Question two is the main one, how can I help my Mum cope with this, I don’t live close enough to be with her all the time but I know she is not dealing with this well. I’d love any advice you or the readers could give me, my brother and I have always been incredibly close and it’s doing my head in watching him and Mum suffer so much.

Thanks, Twisted Sister

Continue reading 'My brother is dating a fruit loop, what should I do?'

Dear Bossy: I have a dilemma that I thought only Bossy and your readers could assist with.

So I have a loving, supportive and caring boyfriend of 3 years.  At the start it was like we were the same person, very active and had the same goals (house, cars, successful business, etc).  I thought he was the one for me as we had both come from a similar privileged background.

Over the past 6 months he has stopped working out and taken up eating bad foods such as bacon and eggs for breakfast.  He spends over 1 hour watching TV in the evenings and has put on at least 5 kilograms.  I think his BMI is reaching overweight status.  He has love handles and has totally let himself go.

Anyway, I was concerned and talked to his personal trainer, whom I know from going to the same gym. We have tried to get my boyfriend back into his proper lifestyle but he does not even consider an RPM class- which he totally used to dominate only 6 months ago.

Anyway, his trainer was the only one I could confide in as my friends were starting to talk about my boyfriend and how fat and lazy he was becoming.  He was always just a text message away and his outlook towards fitness and life was just what I needed.  Last night he took me out for a healthy and fancy dinner.  He said that my boyfriend was punishing me for having standards.  This makes so much sense to me.  I thought what am I doing with this overweight loser?

So his trainer and I got a hotel room together and one thing lead to another and now I am having an affair with him.  He is everything I want in a man, but I don’t want to hurt my boyfriend who is from a very rich and powerful family so I am also cautious to leave.  This other guy is only on a trainer’s income which would mean that it would be hard to maintain my current lifestyle.  I know he has the motivation and energy to improve, but my boyfriend and I are already set up.  If only he would lose the kilograms and get serious!!.

Should I stay with the fat couch potato and continue my affair, or is it time for a new start?  Please help me Bossy!

Miss Confused

Continue reading 'Rich fat boyfriend, or fit trainer?'

Dear Bossy: I started having an affair about 10 months ago.(Which i do know that i am th worst person) Anyway the lady i am having an affair with is also married and we met up on a number of occassions to see each other and to have regular sex with. my wife did find out because she went through my bills and saw that there was ten messages to her in one day and it went from there.

I love my wife and since then we have been having the best time. She has wanted sex so much more from bearly once a week to three or four times a week.

I see this other girl twice a week and thats due to other activities that work require me attend.

This other girl is on the verg of ending her relationship with her husband and wants to get on with her life with me eventually. when we see each other we have a great time. she is funny beautiful and we have great sex too.

I know what i am doing is wrong but can you give me some advice on what to do.

Undecided

Continue reading 'Should I choose my wife or my mistress?'

Dear Bossy: I have been with my fiancée for around 5 years. She fell for me pretty much straight away but it took me some time for me to fall ‘in love’ with her. I always felt strongly for her, she is vibrant and cute and warm hearted and intelligent with a real sense of fun and adventure but I didn’t have the ‘oh my god you’re the one’ chemistry I had felt a few times before with other girls.

I have been coupled with normal women as well as a few drop dead gorgeous women. Thing is the really good looking ones seemed to be either a bit ditzy, or self centred or even crazy. I am not generalising and I know it’s just that the ones I have been involved with happened to be that way. Well as you can guess it didn’t work out with those women and it did work out with my fiancée for the reasons mentioned above.

I have been totally honest with her about my thoughts and feelings regarding her (to be fair sometimes only after a fair amount of prompting from her, I am a man after all) so she knows everything I have stated above and also that I was attracted to a certain type of girl before I met her. She is in no way unattractive except for the fact she has pretty bad sun damage on her face and chest which is manifesting in wrinkles. I couldn’t, even if I tried, hide my feelings about these wrinkles so she knows I find it an issue.

She was 28 when I met her and she already had them then. Now being a lad that is generally attracted to tall brunettes with clear skin it has played on my mind over the years. But what sort of asshat would drop a girl for a few wrinkles? I mean, all her other wonderful qualities won me over so I couldn’t bring myself to be so superficial as to break up with her over this. Apart from some anger management issues she had at the beginning of our relationship which she has done very well at fixing (I made it clear I wasn’t going to take the screaming tantrums and would just leave if she kept them up) there is no other doubts I have in my mind about her suitability to be my wife. The wrinkles are it.

Now the wrinkles and charred skin on her chest have always been there since I have known her so you would think I would be over it by now - but I guess I am not. I have made myself ignore it for want of not being a superficial bastard but I think it is starting to affect my attraction to her. I have found myself noticing other girls. I have told her I’d like her to get Electric Pulsed Light (EPL) therapy but she is reluctant.

I would never suggest botox as it is expensive and results are short term and I would be horrified if she went under the knife for actual surgery but she is only open to using creams that don’t really do anything. There are a heap of other options I have researched like acupuncture, EPL etc but I am finding it harder and harder to talk about it with her as I can tell it hurts her feelings.

I know that all women get wrinkles eventually and I am not scared of her growing old but she has pretty full blown wrinkles before we are even out of the starting gate.

We are about to get married soon and I am happy about it but every time she smiles or I see the creases on her cheeks when she turns her head I cringe inside. I just don’t find it attractive. I don’t think it is wedding jitters, as I have always felt totally committed to her for years.

Perhaps my superficial nature and the voice I have buried are bubbling to the surface? I am having difficulty balancing out in my head my love for her personality (and all my family and friends adoration of her) with an inner voice I can’t quieten screaming at me to force her to get a treatment she doesn’t want or spend the rest of my life not attracted to this amazing woman. So far she has told me she is afraid the EPL will hurt, and I don’t want to force her to go through with something that scares her. I don’t know how to quiet the voice inside.

Am I an asshat? Any ideas on how to proceed would be appreciated.

Fighting Superficiality

Continue reading 'Should I dump her because of her wrinkled skin?'

Dear Bossy: I’ve tried to write to you a few times already but I think putting it all down in writing somehow makes it feel real and I will actually have to deal with it.

Just before New Year’s Eve last year I was over at my parent’s house, I was going on holidays the next day and needed to borrow their printer so I could print out flight details. I went to hotmail.com, (and I’m not sure if you now this but if you don’t log out properly and go to the address again in the same task window without closing it first, it will automatically pop up where you left off) and it opened up an inbox belonging to my father with an address I had never heard of before, I should probably note that I’m sure it was his inbox as it was his first name followed by numbers, and also that he already has a work email address and a home email address. The inbox was full of emails from one woman, the first thing that came into my head was, secret email address, only used by one woman… it must be an affair, so I opened one of these emails, for a whole 2 seconds before I lost my nerve and closed the window, but it was long enough to see phrases like “hey babe” “I hope you will be thinking of me in bed tonight, I will be thinking of you” “xoxoxoxox”. By this time my hands were shaking, it felt like the bottom had just fallen out of my stomach and I was doing all I could to hold it together long enough to get out of there.

I made it to my car before I broke down sobbing, I think it was probably shock more than anything; I never in my wildest dreams thought my father would do something like this. My parents go away on romantic weekends every couple of months; they garden together, are renovating their home, have dinner parties all the time and are always kissing or patting each other on the bum.

My issue is I just don’t know what to do; I’m the only one who knows, at least as far as I know… Confronting my father makes me feel physically ill, I know I would just get flustered and cry and probably not be able to get anything coherent out, I know I couldn’t say anything to my mother as it would absolutely destroy her, not to mention my older brother who is still living at home and constantly battling depression. So should I just not say anything? They all seem happy with things as they are now, do I really need to upset them all and possibly tear apart my family?

My other issue is how this is effecting me and my personal life, I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 3 years now and we were beginning to discuss getting engaged soon, but all of this has got me questioning our relationship, yes he seems like Mr Right but what if he does the same thing? I always saw my parents’ marriage as perfect, and wanted to be like them when I was older but that image has crumbled and left me wondering how long it’s been a sham?

..Or is there any remote chance I misinterpreted it all?
Desperate Daughter

Continue reading 'Should I tell mum about dad’s affair?'

Dear Bossy: I really need your advice with my family situation. A few weeks ago my sister came to me and told me that she had spent the night helping my OTHER sisters husband look after the kids while our other sister was away. She said after the kids went to bed, she and my brother in law had a few drinks. During this time, he started making advances toward her, which she told me she ignored.

After a little while my sister went to bed after having quite a few, and woke up not long after to our brother in law naked in her bed. She said her underwear was off. She ran away from him and he said he was sorry.

I don’t know how I will hold onto this, I feel like I have an obligation to do something. I think my other sister deserves to know what her husband did at the very least. I even think it might be a police matter.

My sister doesn’t want to tell anyone because she is worried it will destroy our family.

Please help.
Concerned

Continue reading 'Should I tell my sister about her husband’s dirty deed?'

Dear Bossy: My boss is either insane or a huge douchey sadist. Or a hypocrite. Or all of the above.

On a daily basis he swears at, belittles and abuses his staff. I am the only female worker to be on staff full time and cop the majority off the abuse verbal and otherwise.

I work in the front office of a warehouse, the other staff are all guys and don’t take his crap. I am often in the office alone with no where to go and no one to witness his behavior. I’ve compiled a list of the things he’s done in the last month alone, repeatedly:

-When I answer a phone he swears (F’s, c’s etc) dramatically in the background until I am off a call as if he has something to talk to me about and I cut him off to answer the phone- but really he has nothing to say.

-When customers call to complain and I pass them on to him one of the following happens:(I have been told never to deal directly with customers as he is the ‘service manager’)

-When I pass him onto customer or take a message, his response is always: “OH FFS WTF IS THIS FFFFF!?!?!?” at me.

-He will call the customer a F’ing so and so lying scum and threaten them with legal action when our company IS at fault and they are well within their rights to complain. He will ask if I am conspiring with said customer. He will them put me back onto the customer so I have to cop abuse and ‘deal’ with it. Though no matter what I will say or do I will have done something wrong.

-He will take a call, be very polite and belittle me to the customer over the phone (eg: “Oh I’m sorry the office girl can’t help you she isn’t very bright/smart/ doesn’t know whats going on” when thats not true- I know whats going on with all accounts but am told I shoulnd’t talk to them by him- ever. for any reason).

-He often throws of slams things about my office. He often slams the phone down on the receiver as hard as he can. I’m not joking when he said as hard as he can either. And he’s a big bloke. He’s cracked the phone already but they are really old chunky models so he hasn’t destroyed it yet. He threw a stapler across the office last week. He likes to punch and slam his hand on things like my desk, the wooden factory door, the cupboards (ones off its hinges now) etc. He will at least punch something in my office and call me a name once per day.

-He will often tell me to do one thing, return in half an hour and ask me why I have done what he asked me to do. He will then tell me I’m stupid and tell me to do the exact opposite (This one people have seen, he does it to everyone). By often I mean with almost everything he will tell me to do. Last Friday he asked for me to go to the bank and drop off a cheque. So I did, and when I got back on Monday he yelled at me, and told me he specifically told me not to bank it. But he was telling me to bank it and was in the office as I was writing up the deposit slip!!!! Which he watched me do, hovering over me light a freaking vulture.

-He belittles me to my workmates. He will wait till I’m in the lunch room and explain in a degrading voice like I’m a kid how to do things I already know how to do perfectly and have never messed up, ever. For no reason.

I often come home crying and don’t want to go to work. I’ve done nothing to deserve the constant bullshit, swearing, belittling and agression he throws my way almost every hour, 5 days a week. I can’t stand it anymore but I don’t know what to do. He is the service manager, my ONLY point of call for service and the company director. I have no one to go to.

I’ve tried standing up for myself calmly and firmly only to be in fear he will run me over with his car or try and literally kill be with a heffy hole puncher or something. I’ve tried playing into whatever he says when he tells me one thing but wants another. I’ve tried looking for support among work mates. I’ve tried ignoring him. I’ve tried to try harder but nothing I do ever makes a difference.

I am looking for another job. I have 6 years experience in administration and programming. I’ve been looking for about 6 months solidly with nothing and it’s getting to the stage where I feel so hopeless I’ve started hurting myself just so I’m not so stressed I can sleep and eat. Sometimes worrying about going to work makes me feel so ill I can’t eat. It’s been a year and a half and I can’t take it anymore.

His constant abuse is too much to handle but I can not abandon my job without another lined up or I would loose everything and it is not fair to reply on my partner or parents to support me. And they couldn’t afford too even if they wanted too.

I have no idea what to do. If I report him to work safe I’m afraid I’ll loose my job, he will try and physically hurt me and I’ll have no reference for 1.5 years. No one will hire someone who isn’t already ina job as if it isn’t hard enough. Same if I went to the police. I can’t even find a job as a check out chick.

I’m sorry that I probably created a giant blabbering wall o text, I’m just so miserable. I don’t know what to do anymore. Everyone encourages me “just one more day you will get a job soon” but I don’t know how much longer I can do this for. But what other option do I have?

I can’t stand another month of having to sit for 8-9 hours a day frightened for my safety, being called a slut and a bitch and stupid, having things thrown and being treated like I’m mentally challenged. Please, help me. I can’t do this any more.

Continue reading 'How do I deal with my abusive boss?'

Dear Bossy: My problem has to deal with fat people.

I’m a fit, 29 year old male. I exercise daily and watch what I eat. Recently I’ve been reading online articles about the “obesity epidemic” in Australia and reflecting on some of the comments that have been made by fellow readers.

In my opinion, most (not all) fat people are full of excuses. I have read numerous comments along the lines of “I have a thyroid problem”, “I have kids”, “exercise doesn’t work for me”, “I’m big boned” etc. To me, I think there are a FEW people that have legitimate excuses for been fat, however, the VAST majority (i.e. 99%) are fat because: they eat too much; they eat the wrong types of food; and they don’t exercise enough or properly. Basically, I think most fat people are fat because of the choices they make, not because they were born that way. Subsequently, I’m annoyed that I have to: sit next to them on planes (and have them “spill over” onto my seat); pay increased insurance costs because of the burden they place on health care… you get the point.

I’ve done an online search and found out there are many other people like me out there. However, I’m not of the opinion that just because other people agree with me then I’m justified in my opinion.

I really don’t care what race, gender, age, ethnicity or sexual orientation a person is, but, I really just don’t like fat people. In my mind I guess I find this acceptable because it’s a result of a decision they’ve made.

I try and not outwardly show these views I have towards fat people. At work, I’m friendly to colleagues that would be considered to be obese. That been said, they seem to all love their fast food and sugary drinks.

My question is: is it ok to dislike these people when I don’t outwardly show it? Can I judge people on their actions? Should I seek to address this view towards fat people that I have?

Possible Fatophobic

Continue reading 'Am I a fat-phobic?'