Has my girlfriend slept with too many men?

I think that you should forget the relationship and just enjoy your girlfriend after all you are a bit inexperienced. and by marrying her you will deprive a lot of men of a lot of pleasure

This is more of a response to the initial topic but lacked the skill to find a “response” tab.

Ok. I’m not going to profess I know a lot about the topic because there are simply too many experts out there but… “the number” isn’t that important. Is it? 
It’s almost purely a subjective thing.  A number too high and are they a slut or just experienced.  Too low and are they frigid or just ready to be taught.
Forget about your own prejudices and accept people for who they are. Take on board their past.  No one is perfect and we all deserve a fair go.

Sure, sex can be the driving force behind things and it can definitely make or break a lot of relationships but if she’s prepared to take it further doesn’t she deserve a chance. 

After all, if the sex is great, don’t you have her past to thank for that.

All the best anyway

A similar situation happened to me. I was 27 she was 18, we started off as friends, then got together when she was around 19. I loved her with all my heart, she thought it was ok, to bring over a box of love letters sent to her since she was 5 years old. When I saw this, I thought to myself, my god she has no respect for me whatsover. It’s not that she wanted to show me to become closer to me, That box was the collection of things to reaffirm her insecurities of not being loved in the world. I prayed that the love letters and things I had made for her didn’t end up in that box. Seriously dude, have fun with her, but don’t have too many delusions of grandeur yet. Go slow. Shes young, and is trying to find what she wants. She has prob been with people like her boss from a father figure/More sexually experienced point of view.

I’m not with her now, but she knows that my heart does belong to her. I had to make it clear to her, that I can’t afford to waste time in my life screwing around with relationships that have no future. If she had been interested in a future with me, I would have had a go. My parents are 13 years apart, and have been married for over thirty years, and they are very happy with each other. God bless my fathers youthful genes!

When will Guys/women learn to actually speak about any issues they might have with the person they have the issue with? After all aren’t they the one most able to answer any questions?
Secondly don’t ask if your not prepared to accept the answers. People do things for all sorts of reasons and to some sex is like cooking the more recipes you try the more variety..
Also someone-- The QL isn’t that hot and isn’t that free your company paid to plonk you in there along with the rest of us.
Lastly Bossy love the comments, do you like shoe shopping I know this great shop in Collins St, after all a good pair of Manalo Blanhiks is as good as sex at times and I have more than 30 pairs!

Guys are possesive

Some are to be sure, some girls are as well. But not all Someone. A healthy degree of self-confidence will take care of that.

only 14 ha ha ha you hope !

Mature men know not to put the scarlet letter on a woman for her sexual past--after all, if you picked you as a sex partner what does that say about you?
But what bothers me and what I have broke up with people for is the constant references to other lovers, one night stands, differing techniques, sizes and sexual conquests.  One woman said I was the only man who could feel her plastic IUD--that was a real turn off, as was the half empty box of condoms I found the first night we had sex at her place.  Finally her telling me that sex was nothing more than a hand shake was the last straw. 
Ladies, keep your sex partners a secret and guys, if you’re stupid enough to ask, don’t be shocked with the answer.

Look...damaged goods are damaged goods. Number is everything. Everyone can have a reason for everything, but that doesnt make it better or worse. You must never conceal a damage...damage is damage. So what if we all live in a pig farm? That doesnt mean that you have to marry a pig. If you cant find something you can respect and “worship”...fuck it...start building a perpetual motion machine or something. We all have a chance to be men...only few are. Women dont have a chance cos they are all sluts hahahaha...kidding.

Just got back from lunch myself. Had the satay chicken. It was good.

Just finishing up some last minute things in the office before flying out tomorrow morning, I’m over the whole travelling thing ad try to only spend as much time away as possible.

And now I’m at the airport still typing in your blog. You should be flattered Bossy, I’m choosing you over the free snack bar in Qantas Club.

I’m not a member, I fly enough to get it for free.

Make sure you are wearing a franger! remember you are sleeping with everyone she has slept with and everyone they had previosly slept with etc etc etc. I’m surprised Bossy didn’t remind you that if it’s not on - get a test!

You’re being very unfair to this girl. Yes, I’d hate to hear about my boyfriends romps with all his ex’s, when it comes to that, i feel ur pain.
Although, this is going to make me sound terrible… I’m 23 years old, I’m in my third serious relationship, with a guy 10 years older than me and i love him to bits. During my previous relationships, i wasn’t exactly perfectly monogamous, but with this guy, I wouldn’t dream of being with anyone else. The once a cheat, always a cheat saying is a load of rubbish, take it from me. If she’s serious about you, than she won’t be unfaithful. And if you don’t trust her, that’s a more serious issue in itself.
If she’s talking about her ex’s, she may just be looking for some kind of reaction from you, even if it’s a jealous one. Crazy, i know...but to some girls, this shows you care

To Quote Savage Garden =p

I believe you can’t control or choose your sexuality
I believe that trust is more important than monogamy
I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul
I believe that family is worth more than money or gold

I had lots of sisters while growing up, i would never enjoy listening to them i swear!

Not to my knowledge. I don’t like Smellbourne.

OI Someone,

B nice about Melbourne, we cant all be elsewhere than here:) That said i only put up with Melbs on the weekends but this is not the place for melbs vs ? (shall remain unmentioned) debate to rear its ugly head AGAIN!

that’s a negative Bossy.

Smellbourne, home of men in tight shorts and stuck up girls.

I’ll pick, well, let’s say anywhere over Melbourne.

Well, maybe not Wagga.

Melbourne has way better girls then Sydney. Sydney girls are that far up themselves in ain’t funny.

Sydney girls aren’t stuck up Brendan, they’ve just come to expect a standard to which Melbourne boys find it hard to measure up

Adelaide and Perth girls top the list though. While we are at might as well say Russian girls, Scando girls and East Euro girls are better then Aussie girls!!

Drop the slack tart.
She is poison.
Bossy is 100% wrong - this chic has different values she will ruin you.
Take her then walk out....................
DO NOT FALL IN LOVE under any ciRCumstancess

Also Clerks 1 has a pretty good take on this too!!

Well arent you just little miss nice girl then?

Its a free world honey! Wake up to the year 2007. I mean “GASP marry her?” It doesnt matter how many men this girl has slept with, what matters is if this man loves her and wants to marry her. We are not living in the olden days when girls had to stay virgins till they are married. If this girl has made mistakes in her past, does that mean she is not entitled to have a happy future?
If you have slept with less men than her, does that make you a better person in any way?
Maybe this girl has just never been happy with any man, and has spent years trying to find him.
What happens when you wake up in 10 years and realise that you have not lived a full life, and decide that you want to have the opportunity to see what is out there, even if you are married.
This girl has lived her life and is now ready to settle down for the future. She has more experience with different types of men and probably knows exactly what she wants in a man.

If I was this bloke, I would be releived that she has played the field as she has lived out that part of her life, and be happy that she is comfortable with him. 

I’m sorry, excuse me sarah???? I’m 23 and while my sexual partners don’t hit the double digits, I, unlike you, do not judge those who do.

Why is it that if a girl is sexually assertive, confident and doesn’t have a problem with going out and getting what they want, when they want it they have ‘self esteem issues’ and the like? Mind you, if a guy does it, he’s just ‘sowing his wild oats’, ‘playing the field’ and the like…

And as for this:
If, on the other hand, shes just a tart, Id suggest you still talk to her about her loose morals and why she bed hops. She may well be a ‘fun time girl’ but what decent guy would want to *GASP* marry her??? I know this sounds harsh, but shes going to give herself a bad and base reputation (regardless of the PC bull that ‘women are strong and can do what they want’ - its just lip service and everyone knows it. Everyone also knows that a woman or man who sleeps around is a tramp and noone is truly ever impressed by their ‘conquests’wink. She might get very angry at you for ‘daring’ to ‘judge’ her - but its not like you are making assumptions - shes told you shes slept around, lets call it for what it is - cheap, nasty and trampy! Do you really want a girl like that? Given your letter I dont think you do.

All the guy wants to know is if she will cheat again, not if he should marry her!! Do you live in a small town? Or just back in the 40’s/50’s? Pull your head out of the sand and remember not to judge a book by its cover!

Sarah,
What right have you to judge? While I don’t agree with everything Tania has said (how do we know she is ready to settle down, etc) you are being far to judgemental of a girl you know nothing about. Also, whether it is men or women, we do not only date someone we intend to marry. A lot of people get into relationships for now, not forever, and there is nothing wrong with that.

Also, sleeping with partners without being in a relationship is anyone’s right. If you are not in a relationship then you don’t have to answer to anyone about who you choose to sleep with any why.

Also, I just love the assumption that there has to be something wrong with someone in order for them to be promiscuous. Did it ever occur to you that she wanted to experience life before being tied down? Maybe that’s what she’s still doing. Maybe she’s not doing it to impress anyone, or to deal with a low self esteem issue.

I have been here so I know what I’m talking about. I find a lot of people attractive in a lot of different ways, and when I was single I experimented (did I mention I am Bisexual?) in many different ways. I slept with about 8 people over a period of about 18 months, none of whom I was in a relationship with. Sometimes 2 at a time. Does this make me a slut? Yes. It does. A slut is someone who sleeps with multiple partners without being comitted to them. So “Yes” I was a slut.

Does that mean I can never be married?
What right have you to make that decision for me?

And before you judge what people like me do have a look at your partner, your friends, your siblings/cousins/parents. Bet at least one of them was promiscuous at one point in their lives, so back off.

That said, cheating is ALWAYS wrong. You can try to justify it any way you like, but it is still ALWAYS wrong.

One day and one day soon, cheating will not be considered such an awful thing. It was the height of sophistication in France 200 years ago to have an alternative lover outside marriage, and 50 years ago it was atrocious for a young lady or man to bed hop.

In writing my response I knew Id be vilified for having such a conservative opinion. And so here I am, so vilified :D

One more thing - those who have told me that I have judged the young lady in question are also judging her. We have used the same weight and measurement (her sexual activity) and come to different conclusions. I deem her activity immoral, you deem it acceptable. You only disagree with me because you’ve not come to my conclusion - think about it like that and maybe you’ll understand my viewpoint. I just say this as I was once of the opposite opinion to that which I am now. Yet I can no longer agree with a world gone mad on personal freedoms and rights. Theres a line to be drawn in the sand, and Ive drawn it where i have.

Sarah, we should hook up.

I won’t ask if you’re single or not, because apparently it’s irrelevant, isn’t it?

Well put Sarah.  Reminds me of a couple of sayings: “If it looks like crap, and it smells like crap, it probably IS crap.” And something like: “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet...” No matter how you sugar coat it with politically correct saccharine poison, according to the information given in the letter, anyone half decent will say she has had too many sexual encounters and is cheap.  Notice how I said “anyone half decent”?  Those who flame me in reply are the indecent majority, unfortunately.

“those who have told me that I have judged the young lady in question are also judging her. We have used the same weight and measurement (her sexual activity) and come to different conclusions. I deem her activity immoral, you deem it acceptable. You only disagree with me because you’ve not come to my conclusion”

Actually, thats not right Sarah, we haven’t weighed and measured this ladies conduct and found it OK. We have’t weighed it at all. To weigh it is to have judged this woman, which is what you’ve done. And I’m not really sure what you think gives you the right, or the moral unimpeachability to do that.

I’m not religious (I wonder if you are) but something the Big J was supposed to have said about casting the first stone seems appliable here…

Jesus never denied that the woman in question had committed adultery with another man. He just told those who accused her if they had no sin to throw the first stone. Everyone there knew what she had done, but you have taken the bible out of context. To throw the first stone meant to execute judgement - ie the death penalty for the woman in this case, and according to the bible God is the executor of all judgement. That does not mean to say we are to be so gullible and PC that we cannot call someone on their behaviour.

I have a great respect for what you’ve said Sarah. It’s rare to find someone with that kind of moral fortitude today and even rarer to find someone willing to show it.
On the other hand, society seems to be slipping the other way, and though I will greatly mourn the loss of such virtues from life, I have little doubt that your admirable attitude will soon be a memory of the past.

I loves what Sarah had to say, and those of you accusing of being too judgmental about the girl, and saying such harsh things to her is also guilty of being judgmental. I have great respect for the very, very few people like here in existence today, and those few people are saving us all from having pregnant 13 year old daughters and the thought that is is okay to be promiscuous, cheat on your significant other, and still expect forgiveness after your skankiness has given your loved one a life threatening STD. That’s just real classy, isn’t it? You’re changing your world, people. Maybe not for the best.

It’s not just a matter of “if she’s clean” - the problem is “will she stay clean”?

Stressed, if she’s so comfortable talking about the previous ones, you should come out and ask her why she wasn’t being “exclusive” - it could be that she and her bf had a non-exclusive arrangement.

Whilst Bossy might be right in saying that we can’t say for sure whether she’ll cheat or not, her track record isn’t exactly spotless. So, you need to find out the reasons why, and try and avoid those circumstances from occurring again.

And, until you know for sure, make sure you use some sort of protection. You have to look after your physcal safety as well as emotional.

Best of luck with it,
AussieLocust

I agree with you stressed, although Bossy doesn’t change the words of your e-mail, like a true journalist, tends to emphasise the wrong areas in order to make it more appealing to a wider audience, and hence ocassionally missing the original intent.

No offence Bossy, but you do have a lot of journalistic traits in yourself, whether you like to admit it or not.

Isn’t telling and talking about people’s issues the purpose of this blog?

Somebody got changed into her cranky pants this afternoon…

Of course we can’t tell you if she’ll cheat again as the reasons people cheat are many and varied and we could all argue for years as to whether leopards change their spots. 

What I can tell you is to sit down and tell your partner what your values and wants are in a relationship ie you value faithfulness/fidelity.  Do her values match up with yours?  You will both want something out of a relationship and it’s important for you both to voice what’s important to you.

Remember too that you may be at different stages in your life due to your age and experiences and that needs to be taken into account.  We do a lot of changing/growing up between 20-30 and while age may not always matter it can make a difference.

Good luck!

Stressed,

Ah mate, been where you are, and unfortunately, I have no way to tell you how your story will play out.  But I can tell you mine…

I’m 30. A bit over 3 years ago I met a gorgeous 21yr legal secretary at a professional function and we clicked.  Flirtateous, wickedly funny , huge apetite for sex, and we got on like a house on fire.  She cheated with me on a boyfriend I didn’t know about, then dumped him for moi.

I turned 28, and having partied my ass off since I was 17 I really felt the need to a) start being kind to my body and b) develop my career.  I was starting to get that ‘nesting’ feeling & wanted to settle down.  I sold the motorbike & the fast car and bought an apartment in the CBD overlooking Hyde park. 

Things hit a rough patch when I changed career and had to work long hours in the new role, my father got very sick, & I was funding a legal battle to keep my younger brother out of jail (car crash).  I was stressed to the hilt and I knew she wasn’t happy with how crazy life was right then but what could I do?  I loved her and really wanted to keep her and asked for patience while I worked things out.

I found out the hard way she’d cheated on me, as she contracted Hep C with she passed to me.  I now have an incurable STD for the rest of my life.

My question is, how well do you know this girl?  If you’re 28, and you’re starting to get to the stage where you want to find something to invest in long term, does this girl share the same values as you?  Be real with yourself, don’t make those excuses I know are going through your mind be pragmatic and think.

At the end of the day, when your relationship hits a rock or two, what holds you two together?  You need something more than sex and good times - you need common goals and more importantly, common values and beliefs.  Because just as the tide goes up and down and nature has it’s cycles, hard times come, for both of you, and that’s when you’re really going to need to be with someone you resonate with and you can support each other.  If this girl enjoys sleeping with randoms and is in the stage of life where she’s horny as hell and wants to experience as many men as she can while she can, then you need to get a grip on yourself and realise that’s the stage she’s in and let her go.  It’s not going to be good for either of you in the long run if you’re not both on the same wavelength.

And more importantly, do you really want to be trusting your life to someone who could be compromising your sexual health?  I thought it would never happen to me but hey - look where I am.  Moral of the story, if you’re unsure, then chances are your gut instinct is telling you it’s dangerous and there could be tears ahead…

If girls would be honest with guys and themselves, there wouldn’t be as many a$$holes.

Yes, but for the most part, the girls are the game players.

If a girl went up to a guy and said ‘how about it?’, she’d probably get what she was after. If a guy did that to a girl, he’d be walking funny for weeks.

Again, no offence Bossy, but you’re a Cougar now, different game from the kittens.

Unfortunately, us men are forced to lead women on, because as even your big brother says, it’s the only way we’ll get any. If we were open with the girls, and didn’t play their games back at them, we’d all be celibate.

Yes I do, but we’re playing the game that the girls started.

Nice try on the age remark though Bossy, I ain’t telling.

No, I don’t. Just because your e-mail address is , does that mean that your name is actually Bossy?

That happened a while ago…

At least there’s one thing around here that swallows.

Have to agree about the game playing—I’ve had female friends tell me how they like to lead guys on at nightclubs even though they have no intention of taking it further. Why? Because, they said, it was “fun” and made them “feel sexy”.

It’s no wonder so many blokes get pissed and want to bash the crap out of each other. They’ve just been emasculated for the girl’s entertainment. It happens more often than most women would be willing to admit.

Toataaly agree with you there Shane. R**ting should be a national sport. Remember you are getting older, so the younger thge better, even more she could show you a few things

What’s with the neanderthals on the blog?

A large tally does not necessarily mean a good life.

Love + sex = better sex!

Hey Kate,

You censored what I had written to get rid of every letter from roots and rooting and now it looks like I said f**** and f******, when in fact I’d never say f*** in polite company.

(yeah right)

He who dies with the most roots wins? I think he who dies with the most roots dies wishing he’d been brave enough to have an emotionally meaningful relatinship.

Cowards hide behind sex, men and women, because they are too scared to be emotionally open (ie vulnerable) to someone. It’s a distraction to chase sex, stops you from having to sit down and have a good hard look at yourself. Stops you from having to look yourself in the face and maybe realise you don’t like that person much.

And before I am accused of not walking a mile in someone elses shoes, I’ve been there. Collected pretty boys like trophys. Took me a looooong time to admit what a terribly lonely life that was. And it took six months of deliberate celebacy to find myself again, a self I was proud of. A month later, I fell in love, real solid, abiding, meaningful, open, terrifying, vulnerable, perfectly imperfect love.

I’ve never felt so scared, and I’ve never felt so good.

yes it does trish, the more the better. it gives you bragging rights over your mates

I agree, don’t dip your pen in company ink.

It will end in tears.

Now we’ll have the only two successful company relationships ever writing in to say how good it is and we shouldn’t be so general.

Shane....

It is surprising - my workplace has had 3 marriages & numerous “couples” —that said we are a large employer so it doesn’t seem so incestuous!

I prefer the term: Don’t shit where you eat.

That’s a romantic way of looking at it

I’m a romantic, Bossy says so.