Can men and women just be friends?

I think you’re kidding yourself.

I’m taking a stab in the dark and assuming you’re a woman and somewhat attractive...if you convincingly pretended to dump your partner and came onto your male friends for no strings attached fun “to get over your boyfriend” I bet many would oblige.

I had a very close male friend and we used to hang out a lot, talk over the phone, texts, name it… We were into each other’s lives—we know each other’s secrets and all.  But again, we were just FRIENDS… Later, when I met somebody, he was like freaking out… also when he met somebody, i was also hurt so badly. I guess that’s not JUST FRIENDSHIP.  But if neither one of you is jealous, it’s just friendship. It is still wiser not to INVEST TOO MUCH EMOTIONALLY…

I can never “just be friends”. So many times I have tried to keep friendships with boys but things just seem to get out of hand and I end up falling for them.

I think its a myth that boys and girls can “just be friends”. When you let someone into your heart as a friend, its difficult to hold back the sexual urges that it arouses.

I don’t know - maybe there is something wrong with me, but this is my experience.......

Smidgeling - are you saying that having sex with someone makes them “more than a friend”? It does differ between people, but for many this is not the case.

i’m just shocked at the number of people that cant spell definitely right, or they must be colour blind and not see the spell check.

Heh… Smidge is right on the money. Ask yourself, “Would I sleep with him?” If the answer is ‘no’ then from YOUR side it’s platonic. Ask yourself, “if I made it clear that I was available for sex and/or a relationship, would he be interested?” and you’ll find one of three things:
a) he totally would
b) he’s already banging someone more attractive to him than you are
c) you’re lying to yourself

I guarantee that one of these three are true.

I agree. Men and women can be friends and know where to draw the line. I have had a best mate for the past 10 years who is a woman and very attractive (I have lots of good mates who are male as well). We met at work. We get on extremely well together, chat regularly on the phone. Oh, and yes we are both very happily married with our spouses now joining in. We have never had the slightest interest in embarrassing ourselves or compromising a great friendship by “stepping over the line” from platonic. So yes it can be done very successfully. It is balanced and creates a much happier view of the world.

Tane,

Just becuase a guy is willing or like to have sex with a girl does not mean that he does not think that their friendship is not platonic.  After all, guys generally separate sex and love pretty well, and so do some girls.

I have a male friend I’ve know for about 15 years.  We know lots about each other and he helped me through my divorce even though my ex husband was his best friend and best man at our wedding.

There’s never been any whiff of a sexual nature which I assumed meant that he wasn’t interested in me that way.  How right I was!  After a particularly long sexual drought (3 years), I approached him to break that drought because we liked each other and I trusted him and I didn’t think it would be weird.

He TOTALLY freaked out.  After not talking for about a week, he came back to me and said he was flattered but he assumed I was hormonal and that’s why I approached him.  I was a little hurt by his comments but chose to see it as positive thing that we didn’t have sex.

His reaction upended my belief about men that even if he finds you attractive it doesn’t mean he’s up for it.

Spanish Girl

but you approached him for sex… so you’re still proving men and women can’t be friends without sex getting in the way....

Just because one friend develops a minor, temporary crush on the other, does that mean they still aren’t ‘just friends?” Provided that they don’t act on it or it doesn’t ruin the relationship what does it matter?

I’ve had male friends that I had developped a bit of a thing for, but it went away and we’re still mates to this day. Likewise I’ve had male friends who fancied me at one point in time, if they asked and I wasn’t interested and hence turned them down, we got over it and got on with the friendship.  Those friendships also continue to this day.  My boyfriend doesn’t have an issue with them being around either. 

There are always going to be some members of the opposite sex that you can’t be friends with, but I’m certainly not writing off 50% of the population because some people have had a few bad experiences.

So, if you have a crush on one of your male friends, that’s it? You have to break up?
Guys have man crushes all the time, but NEVER admit to them. What you say is rubbish.

Smidgeling has a point. Dog, I do agree that there are guys who can brush it off and remain just friends but im quite sure there are a lot of guys who still feel the same even after being turned down. Sure they can still hang around with their lady friend, no problems with that, but they are burning up inside watching their lady friend date other guys hoping that some day she will change her mind. Us guys feel devestated to break contact with a lady friend but we need to move on. Guys have a very hard time in finding a partner as in most cases women do the choosing as AskMen.com mentiones.

Also I don’t see the actual point in sticking around waiting to see if a lady friend (or a guy friend for a woman) will change their mind and return the same feelings for you one day. This is highly unlikely and unrealistic. Most people cannot switch off their feelings at the drop of a hat at the time of being turned down. You have better chance of overcoming your feelings and getting back on your feet by moving on and finding a potential partner.

Chaminda,

I get Smidgeling’s point, but as I said, my point is that this isn’t everyone’s experiences.  You say:

“I do agree that there are guys who can brush it off and remain just friends but im quite sure there are a lot of guys who still feel the same even after being turned down.”

umm...pretty sure that’s what I said too - some people have bad experiences and can’t be just friends with certain members of the opposite sex, others can.  I happen to fall into the ‘can’ department, and so do lots of the men I’ve met.  You can’t tar everybody with the same brush.

Yo smidge,

Maybe you are mistaking attraction for romantic feelings? One is physical and the other emotional. You can sleep with a person and not want to be in a relationship.

So in other words, you’re going to pick your good-looking male FRIEND who you’ve had unrequited love with for years and refuses to sleep with you,

OVER

a potential new boyfriend who WANTS to sleep with you.

Good one…

Jane- So what you are saying is right now you are, for all intents and purposes, just friends, but in the past you wished it was more?

Well that is the crux of the argument thaat EK and all other naysayers are failing to grasp. We’re not saying men and women can never just be friends at a single moment in time.

The point is that at some point, or multiple points, in the relationship between a heterosexual man and woman feelings or actions that are more than platonic will occur, whether it be one or two sided.

I have to agree with Smidgeling on this one. For most us single guys we come across many times this situation where we cannot be just friends. By this us guys don’t mean we hate a lady friend for turning us down, it just makes things a whole lot easier to move on while respecting her choice. Im sure this is the same for many single females as well who have feelings for their guy friend. If people, however, were already in a relationship being just friends with the opposite sex is much less complicated.

I have to disagree with you Turquoise, I dont have unrequited love for my best friend and he has never refused to sleep with me (no we are no friends with benefits!) as it was a crush when I was 16 years old. I also had crushes on Scott Baio and Mark Hamil at that age, did I think I had teh potential to be the girlfriend of any of my crushes, no. Now the guys I have had infatuations for...well I have made a fool of myself over many guys but I wasnt friends with them.

IMO Crush = recognizing that that person is special
Infatuation = Dreaming that there is a potential romantic relationship there.

VERY different.

But yes I would chose my best friend over a guy who wasnt happy with my having a best friend who just happens to be a male. I see it as no different from a potential BF wanting you to drop your GF because he doesnt like them (or a girl wanting a guy to drop his male friends)

For any relationship to last long term your partner has to accept that you will have friends that they may not necessarily like and you will want to spend time with these friends when your partner is not around.

Note: Current BF ok with male best friend

Completely agree with you Turquoise. Just that girls will never admit it, and guys ‘think’ they can be ok with friends but its never the case in the end. END OF.

Tim, I concur, and so do all my mates whom I have spoken to over the years about this (and even my wife).

Blokes make much better mates than women; we tend only to befriend a woman if we want to shag her, or if she has a friend we want to shag.

HA HA HA, good call EK.

I think Pan said it best above.  You can’t have a friendship with someone of the opposite sex so you think no-one else can.  Then calling them gay says loads about your maturity.

Wow, with attitudes like this and if they are supposedly correct then no wonder so many girls feel threatened and untoward about their boyfriends having friends that are girls and vice versa!

You know, not all guys are that obsessed with sex.

Most of my best friends have been female, and still are. I get different opinions from them and can talk to them about different things than my male friends, and I find that really enlightening. I’ve never once even thought about sleeping with any of them. And I’m straight and single.

Reality, just wondering does this apply to you now that you’re married? do you still seek to befriend females only if you want to shag her or her friends? Not having a go, just purely curious (i hate the tones of the internets)

Tim, what you say is cynical, but true.

I’m no longer young, and over the years have had a number of straight male friends, whose company I enjoyed immensely. But truth be known, I had crushes on most of them and those I didn’t fancy, in time revealed they fancied me. Either way, the friendship was doomed!

I love the concept of a platonic relationship with a man, but I think sooner or later hormones will prevail!

Yes EK,
just obviously none that are female, you did read the title of your own blog didn’t you?

Look, I have women who I am friendly with, who I know quite well, but I wouldn’t consider them friends. There is a difference between an acquaintance and a friend.

I have however, decided on re-thinking to add a few more exceptions.

5. You’re old. Everyone knows that people above 40 don’t have sex, so I suppose it could be possible to be friends once you have reached this state.

6.You’re married. (partially covered by no 3).

7.You’re a guy like jc, “most of my best friends have been female. I never once thought about sleeping with any of them.”
Maybe you should take another look at the list.

I completely agree. Im 25 years old and the only girls that I used to be “friends” with are those that I wanted to pursue further. Although the girls i was “friends” with didn’t realise this. Its basic insticts where men dont like shopping, talking about relationships, gossiping etc. Men want one partner and male friends and are much more comfortable in that situation. Women think that the men are their friend until they realise that they want more or would bonk them given the opportunity.

AGREED!!! every male i become friends with ends up telling me he wants more…

Just putting it out there that both myself, and my girlfriend agree 100% with Tim.

Summed it up perfectly.  In fact personally, I think you were a little generous.  #3 is a long shot and #4, well, even friendships with #4’s often cross that boundary when nothing better is currently available.

Someone else put it up, and I’ll repeat it for them.  http://www.theladdertheory.com

It’s the truth thanks to our hormones.

Erm, what you are talking about is not friendship. Its unrequited love. Friends are happy for friends when they hook up - and the really good friends awesome wingman/girls!

So you only become friends with people you are attracted to. I have good news for you to explain your loneliness, you are shallow and BI-SEXUAL.

Hope it helps

dang :( so either my guy mates think im all uggo orrrrr they’re fraudulent friendships becuase they wish they could have a go - how sad..

I was thinking the same thing Jed.

At least its good to know that these guys find all ethnicities attractive as none have specified that maybe they find the slim 18 yo Aussie chick more attractive than the 18 yo Asian chick or the African...just as long as she is slim she will do *sigh*

Are any of the males here over 18?

Pfft 50%?

I think you can cull 95% of people from a possible friendship without even trying.

Good to hear that you would hate a guy acting like that, but trust me there are lots of attention-seeking women out there that love having male ‘friends’ hanging off their every word.
Why wouldn’t they? A guy to listen to all their BS and tell them they’re beautiful and deserve better when they are feeling down, even while they are out shagging every guy but them.

Markus, men should stand up for themselves more and not take crap treatment from women. If a woman takes having you in her life for granted, then you need to firmly set the standard. If she isn’t there for you in the capacity which you want her, then move on. I hate watching men put up with crap, like I hate watching women put up with crap. If we all put up with less crap, the world would definitely be a better place.

And look, I’m not a total hard-ass. I know it’s easier to say it than to do it. But honestly, once you get some self-esteem and teach the world to treat you the way you want to be treated and kick all the toxic users out of your life, it feels soooooo much better.

A lot of the girls I have seen who “get along with guys better than girls” are just attention seekers.
Why be friends with girls who would vie for the same male attention you are after when you can just be surrounded by guy friends all focussing their attention on you?

Of course it’s not always the case, although most times where it was not the case it was because both the guy and girl were already in committed relationships.

Markus, have you any idea how boring girls are? Im a female but trying to have an intelligent conversation with most females is harder than pulling teeth!

I do not want to discuss fashion, soap operas, womens magazines, chick flicks or go perving on the cute boy in the shopping centre (with the advent of the cougar, you are having 30 somethings doing this to much younger men!)

I agree some girls hang out with guys because they like the attention but a lot of other girls like to hang out with guys to save their sanity. How to tell which is which? Is the female having intelligent conversations with the guys?

If she is, then she is attracted more to your minds than any physical attribute, if she isnt, well she is an attention seeker.