Kate de Brito
Friday, June 25, 2010 at 08:05am
Dear Bossy: Now here is a Friday fruitcake for you.
I’m as confused as hell, but know the answer, I think, I just need to hear it.
I date a divorced older man who has children, I’m 25. We have lived together for 3 ½ years dated for nearly 4. He left his job to become study so that he could be closer to his children, he works casual. I work full time, plus a casual job. I had a 3rd job but had to stop because it was burning me out and I was spending almost as much as came in fuel, ready prepped meals, etc.
Here is where the problems started. My family don’t like him because he treated me very badly. He had an affair and once got very drunk at a family do and pushed me over and screamed at me. Both incidences I have had difficulty with but mostly I have had difficulty forgiving him for the affair as he is still very secretive. I know he is not having another one but that is only due to me snooping not him being open and honest, which makes it hard to trust him. Also I do 90% of the cooking and cleaning, pay 90% of the bills and takes care of his kids 90% of the time whilst he studies and he has joined a “boys club” for want of a better word. I help him study and make sure all the bills get paid. He wanted to go on AUSTUDY but I didn’t agree with him lying about our relationship so that he could get money and suggested that he probably shouldn’t as it would come back to bite us. I am very undervalued; he hasn’t even made an effort for any birthday, Christmas, Valentine’s Day, etc for 2 years now. The most I have gotten is a tank top he got from a boys club function and a beer at the pub. Admittedly I like both but… I understand there is no money which is always his excuse, but how hard is it to say I love you lets go for a drive and watch the sunset.
.
He always tells me how guilty he feels for not contributing and how I could do so much better and how wants to pay me back for everything that its cost me. I say it’s not a problem, what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. Anyway when he finished study he is looking at being on double what I am now as a starting wage. We do have fun together. We like the same music and sports, we enjoy the same things and when we get away from our financial situation and he isn’t “in my pocket” we get along like a house on fire. I get on well with his kids and clash heads with them no more than any normal parent would.
Recently he has been hinting at ending it, which really I could do with because I am feeling less and less attracted to him but I still love him dearly. A few days ago it all came to a head and he told me that he loves me and that I have made him achieve more than he has ever in his life, he said I mean the world and he feels that I am his best friend but he could never offer me more than that because he never wants to have kids, get married or buy a house with someone again. All, his friend’s think I’m wonderful and can’t work out how he got me. To me its standard it’s not you it’s me lines, but I do know I get along well with his group of friends. He is in the middle of exams and I have just come of a huge project at work and have been working ridiculous hours, so we agreed to let it wait until he finished exams to discuss what to do and where to go.
Later that evening he came to me and said; He still wants to live with me at the moment because his kids love me and they don’t need the confusion again right now. He says he would sleep in a different room when they are not here but can we share when they are as we do not have enough beds, he said he would not have sex with me as that was definitely crossing a line. The conversation about what to do progressed and he then accused me of trapping him because I said I did not agree with him applying for AUSTUDY and had made him entirely dependent on me. He went on and on about paying me back financially. Which I have never asked for, nor mentioned unless it’s to say you don’t owe me anything.
Later he proceeded to try and force himself on me and say just one last time. I was really unhappy and pushed him away and went to bed. He stayed up a few more hours, came into the bedroom and said can I sleep in here tonight. I agreed because it is freezing, I really wanted a hug and I still don’t know what to do and thought that maybe he is just him loosing the plot with stress (he has always managed poorly). He woke me up at some ungodly hour and tried to force himself on me again which made me really made me angry.
Two days later and my head is spinning. I am sitting here thinking, Damn what a convenient PA I am, young , not unattractive handbag when it suits, who cooks, cleans, babysits and helps with assignments, not to mention pays the bills. What a joke am I. Look at the wicket he is on… The other part of me says; he is just stressed again, he will come round to what he is normally like, what’s a couple of years of being a really tight on cash and me being the bread winner. I know that hurts him. We have fun, get along and once he finished uni all the balance will be restored. If he is on such a good wicket why would he jeopardise that whilst he is still studying (I think I know as I am saying this that I am just trying to convince myself that I am not being used.)
I am ready to be bombarded with insults so let your crew tear it up.
Thanks
The next Friday Fruitcake.
Bossy says: Well, you said Fruitcake, not me. But I have to say I probably would not have made it past the part where he pushed me over and screamed at me at a family function.
Aggression and affairs aside, I’m going to keep it fairly simple. If you are working two jobs and he is studying (even if it is full-time) you should not be doing 90 percent of the cooking and cleaning and childcare. This is especially true as the children you are caring for are his.
It would strike me as a far more equitable arrangement if while you are supporting him financially so he can complete his studies, he took on a larger share of duties in the home.
Of course the other option is to dump him, and that’s not an unattractive option. But for all I know you two have the possibility of a real future together once you are past the stress of this difficult financial time.
But that doesn’t change what’s happening now. The problem is not that you are supporting him, it’s that he’s not supporting you.
Looking after someone financially is fine but if you do all the caring and all the looking after with no help it leaves you feeling taken for granted.
You will need to talk to your partner. Tell him you don’t mind supporting him financially as long as he is offering some support on the home front.
Tell him all the noise and hysterics about paying you back is actually just a distraction. Clearly he can’t offer anything financial right now, but he an do more at home, including taking on a far greater role in the care of his kids. If he is so unhappy about burdening you this way why doesn’t he try to ease the burden in a way that is entirely doable from this very moment?
Most likely the answer is because he doesn’t have to. You keep doing it, so why on earth would he try to wrestle the (unpaid) work out of your hands?
So whether or not the relationship is headed for an end, I don’t know. But I do know you are being the biggest sucker in the world if you don’t do something to change this massive imbalance in shared duties as soon as you possibly can.
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113 Comments
I say kick his ass to the curb.. All he wants is a friend with extra benefits.... as well as something to wipe his feet on.
Fri 25 Jun 10 (08:17am)
Fri 25 Jun 10 (10:46am)
Blunt, but accurate.
Bossy is right, he needs to make an effort to even up the inbalance. His saying to break up would ‘unsettle the kids’ is total rubbish. He knows he’s on a good wicket.
Give him 2 weeks to get his act together on house duties and looking after his kids. Tell him that timeframe. After that either you’re happier, or seeing how much he is using you.
One more point....You’re 25, and he doesn’t want kids or to buy a home. Is that also something you’re willing to give up forever for him?
Fri 25 Jun 10 (11:18am)
Everyone will tell you to leave, immediately, but you can envision a future here, and you see a lot of commonality. I’d guess you’ve realised an ultimatum of some sort must be laid down to see if this can evolve into a more balanced relationship in your future. Bossy is right - he needs to carry his weight and prove himself worthy in other ways: if (I’d say, unfortunately, when) he won’t do the lion’s share of the hosuework, you’ll realise that you have become a friend with benefits and DTMF. Good luck!
Fri 25 Jun 10 (12:56pm)
Ditto knickers first post.
You don’t need that crap in your life. Seriously, who needs to live with an aggressive, dole-bludging would-be rapist?
Leave. You’re in a much better situation than he is.
Fri 25 Jun 10 (02:10pm)
+1 for kicking his butt to the curb. He’s studying - so what - he can still work part-time - dammit, plenty of other people do.
Get out, don’t bother falling for his pity party, get yourself a life sans (i.e.without)him and the kids.
He sounds like a d*ck!!!! LEAVE HIM!!!!
Fri 25 Jun 10 (08:20am)
OP, if you don’t hurry up and end this you are going to be wild with yourself (for letting it go on this long) when it does end - and it will. This man is making a piece of convenience of you and you know it, but you’re hanging on to the hope that you’re wrong. If you had a friend in the same situation you’d be telling her to leave.
Gather all of your belongings, cash, self worth, and as much of your dignity as you can and move out. The only person you are responsible for is yourself so be your own best friend and be generous to yourself for a change.
Fri 25 Jun 10 (08:24am)
Fri 25 Jun 10 (01:00pm)
WELL SAID!! Very well said.
I’m not surprised that this situation has developed, because shit happens sometimes.
What blows me away is that you’re putting up with it.
Ask yourself this question;
(loudly), WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING???
The answer to that is easy.
Fri 25 Jun 10 (08:25am)
Fri 25 Jun 10 (10:03am)
Nicely put!
If you need help with the answer, OP, it should sound something like, “I’m competely wasting my time and I will dump the loser NOW.”
Sorry for pointing out the freaking obvious, but it is Friday and, as Shane so aptly pointed out, you are the fool putting up with your boyfriend’s rubbish.
DTMFA.
Nuff said.
Fri 25 Jun 10 (08:25am)
Fri 25 Jun 10 (04:38pm)
Exactly.
He’s just staying with you because you will do everything no matter how crap he treats you. He doesn’t care about you - if he didn’t he would treat you like a pile of steaming doggie do. And once he doesn’t need you, he’ll probably kick you to the curb, so wait for all that to happen?
But you obviously have so little self respect that you’ll stay with him anyway because you won’t think anyone else will treat you better. Otherwise why else would you stay with him?
I’m not surprised that this situation has developed, because shit happens sometimes.
What blows me away is that you’re putting up with it.
Ask yourself this question;
(loudly), WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING???
The answer to that is easy.
Fri 25 Jun 10 (08:25am)
DTMF! NOW!
No jokes at your expense. No witty retorts about your letter. No amusing anecdotes about similarly crazy people. GET OUT! NOW! LEAVE! NOW!
Pack uour bags and move back in with your parents if you must. Or beg a friend to let you stay for a week or two and “couch surf” with friends until you can find some shared accommodation (or your own place if you can afford it).
Good luck!
Fri 25 Jun 10 (08:25am)
Fri 25 Jun 10 (11:33am)
Agreed Agent 86: DTMF NOW!!
OP he’s guilting you into staying put, dont buy into it!
He doesnt love you at all (just the ego trip of having his own personal slave/nanny) and I think you know this already.
NO matter how much you think you love him, he wont change. He cant believe his luck that you’re willing to put up with his crap for no personal gain and will milk it for as long as he can with the odd guilt laden comment and crumbs of promises…
But at the end of the day the only one who cant see that is you. Please ditch the rose coloured glasses before you humiliate yourself any further.
OP, You are one sucker for punishment. He cheats on you, abuses you physically, financially and emotionally, and has a free nanny, maid, cook all rolled into one. You are only 25. Get out of this mess now. Whats to say that after you stick throught this difficult phase & he does have a high paying job, he won’t dump you for someone else and you know he’s capable of it. In a few more yrs your going to be burnt out and miserable with nothing to show for it. Theres nothing wrong with being by yourself, you may find it liberating. Besides you can still keep in touch with the kids. He may say the kids love you and thats why you shoulf try, but remember this, the day he decides he has someone better, you have no rights where his kids are concerned and he won’t care how much you love the kids or how much they love you. Take care of yourself, you deserve it. Just rememebr A man who abuses you physically deserves no second chances.
Fri 25 Jun 10 (08:27am)
I don’t know that you deserve insults.. Perhaps pity for being such a doormat. You have my pity in the form of number 8’s
88888888888888888888888888888888 88 8
Fri 25 Jun 10 (08:30am)
Fri 25 Jun 10 (06:37pm)
loony bastard
8888888
I know i know, Tybalt, you really should read the whole letter.
F*ck that, I haven’t got all day.
You could answer your whole tirade in the first few paragraphs.
You are dating a lazy cheater who is using you to make himself feel better.
He criticises himself to make you pity him.
He doesn’t give a sh*t about you.
You are a lay-over root until he finds the next one who makes him feel better than you do.
He doesn’t give a sh*t about human emotions, and in saying that - human life. How could he, he broke your heart, broker his ex-wife’s heart, probably broke the heart of his children.
He will break your heart again, and break many others.
I bet he has probably threatened suicide.
Let’s see, he is older than you, I’m assuming in his late 30s maybe even 40s or 50s.
You are a ripe young thing wasting your life away.
I know you’re a 25 year old, but obviousoly your relationship started at 21.
I know you’re an adult, but I would still say that he is statotory raping you. He is raping your life.
He has manipulated you into a situation where you are his play-thing. You don’t have the life experience, willpower, or intelligence to argue or fight his words. You believe everything he says.
You don’t trust him, but then again, your relationship deson’t need trust, because he is raping you.
Right a Dear John letter and get the f*ck out before you are in the gutter, used, probably pregnant, suicidal yourself, nothing but a victim.
P.S.
This letter is not meant to be insulting or demeaning to any rape victims on any level. I believe that what is statutory rape can still happen even in adulthood. However it is then more commonly known as emotional and psychological abuse.
Fri 25 Jun 10 (08:35am)
Fri 25 Jun 10 (11:09am)
Wow that is so harsh and yet seems so close to the point
Fri 25 Jun 10 (11:31am)
Well said Tybolt!
Fri 25 Jun 10 (01:18pm)
Oh and you left out that he tried to actually, physically force himself on her. TWICE.
...words fail
Fri 25 Jun 10 (02:48pm)
Right on Tybalt.
She is being completely used.
He quits work to spend more time with his kids, but she ends up looking after them?
As soon as that study is finished and the promises of “double my pay when he gets an entry level job in his chosen field” - he will leave her in that gutter so fast her head will spin.
Once he can support himself and his kids without her, he will do just that. She is not a long-term option for him, just the interim ATM and baby-sitter while he goes back to school and sorts his life out post-divorce.
Sun 27 Jun 10 (09:41am)
OP says he tried to force himself on her twice in one night which would be attempted rape so it’s not an unjustified or insulting comment
yeah!! fruitcake sounds about right
Fri 25 Jun 10 (08:38am)
What the hell? It should be the opposite way around! Get rid of this loser and start valunig yourself alot more. You act as if you are worthless, why punish yourself. You have to get the hell out and find someone who is nice and brings you joy.
Fri 25 Jun 10 (08:42am)
Your fella sounds like a real catch.
Tell me, do you use simple graphs in Excel to work out that you do 90% of this and 90% of that, or is it some kind of fancy time-management software?
Fri 25 Jun 10 (08:42am)
I didn’t even bother reading past the first paragraph. He pushed you over and was screaming at you at a family function?
What planet do you live on? Are you seriously this pathetic? Anyone who has a partner who does this kind of thing SHOULD DUMP THEM.
I mean seriously.............
Fri 25 Jun 10 (08:43am)
OMG ARE YOU BLIND!!!
He is acting like a child and that is the image I get from reading well the first half of your letter, I just couldnt read any further.
You cook, you clean, you look after the kids, you help him with his study. He is just another child. You are doing all of this for him and he is taking advantage.
Stop doing the cleaning for starters, he can do it, and if he wants clean clothes, he can clean them himself. He will soon learn when he is swimming around in his and his childrens own rubbish that he can not expect you to do everything and support the house as well.
I hope you open your eyes to him, and soon.
Oh and I dont even have to mention the abuse and aggression, you’re and idiot for staying after he did that, no wonder your family cant stand him.
Fri 25 Jun 10 (08:43am)
Fri 25 Jun 10 (12:58pm)
he has it good hey Stace, i was thinking as I read her letter how much was he paying her? then i remembered he is getting it for free, amazing....
Hmm. Yeah, like Bossy I have a bit of trouble getting past the pushing and yelling, not to mention the affair. What kind of relationship is it if you have to spy on someone to keep him on the straight and narrow.
OP, when (and if) this guy ever finishes his studies, he will be out of your life. If he ever gets that new life with that high-paying job, he won’t be offering you a share of it. Why should he? You’ll have done your bit, looking after his kids for free while he gets on with his life? He won’t need you anymore, and I sure don’t get the sense he’s with you for love.
And the messages his kids are getting from all this - that it’s okay to use and abuse people - is not a good one. Get him out of your life, and do it now.
Fri 25 Jun 10 (08:48am)
RUN RUN RUN! This relationship has all the hallmarks of toxicity. Run for the hills, don’t look back.
Fri 25 Jun 10 (08:55am)
Dump him, there are plenty more exciting D&*kheads out there just waiting to treat you exactly the same.
Fri 25 Jun 10 (08:58am)
I get something different to Bossy from your email. I get that he is trying to get out and you are wondering whether to get out but neither of you have the balls to do it. If my partner said i’ll sleep in another room and still live together it would be over. He no longer wants me in a romantic way therefore we are roommates. If this is what your partner wants then be roommates he can go on Ausstudy and you split the bills down the middle. When his kids come over he sleeps on the couch not in your bed, by letting him sleep in the bed you give the impression that maybe sex is an option when its not. Thats my two cents
Fri 25 Jun 10 (09:00am)
Fri 25 Jun 10 (05:19pm)
I’m with you Sarah! The guys trying to end it with her and that seemed to have been overlooked. How can you try and make a guy change when he doesn’t want to be in the relationship in the first place?????
Besides that OP, the guy is horrible and a user. You need to seriously take stock of your self esteem and get out of this toxic relationship. I mean the guy is using you AND trying to dump you and use you for sex in the process. C’mon already!!
Plus, you already know you have to leave him that’s why you wrote is here commenting to the readers to ‘let it rip at you’ so that you’d hopefully get the wakeup call you know you need. But at the end of the day, we can’t push you out the door no matter what our opinions are, you’re the one that has to make your move. You don’t need us, you already know what you have to do don’t you?
You seem like such a sweetheart but you are getting badly taken advantage of. You deserve so much more than this!
Yes, yes you are. Crazy that is.
Dump his lazy cheating ass and move on. You’re young with your whole life ahead of you, why would you choose to stay with this prime example of douchiness? I don’t care how much money he WILL be earning, right now it is all about YOU.
Kick his ass to the kerb and move on.
The end.
Fri 25 Jun 10 (09:02am)