I had sex with my friend’s 16-year-old daughter. What should I do?

No, no, no… YOU"RE the tool…

Ignore Chauvinist OP. She’s got something wrong with her. Please, see a shrink ASAP, a couple of times a week if you can. Go to a GP, any GP, get a referral, and Medicare will pay for most of it. Go to http://www.beyondblue.org.au/index.aspx? to find a GP and shrink. good luck.

FOUL!

Hard to imagine this girl sought sex without some signal from him. Sounds like a reverse Mattie Johns scenario. i don’t believe it at all. If it did happen I have to say that as a man I would not have knocked her back either in that situation. Which leads me to believe the story is a total crock of shit.

Hard to imagine this girl sought sex without some signal from him. Sounds like a reverse Mattie Johns scenario. i don’t believe it at all. If it did happen I have to say that as a man I would not have knocked her back either in that situation. Which leads me to believe the story is a total crock of shit.

Does seeing this worry anyone else?

http://www.news.com.au/story/0,27574,25573729-29277,00.html

What people are overlooking, is that this young woman knew exactly what she was doing.

Maybe she thought she was doing this man a favour, boosting his ego, and at the same time boosting her ego.

Our society tends to blame the male, when in actual fact, it is the female who is responsible.

Stop beating yourself up over this, is easier said, than done.

Anyone seen the news today????

Man dies after being hit by two trains

AAP
June 02, 2009 08:10am

A MAN has been killed when he was struck by two trains in the southeast Queensland town of Oakey early this morning.
At 1am (AEST), Queensland Rail reported the man’s body had been found by the crew of a westbound train near the intersection of Bridge and York sts, Oakey.

Police say it appears the man was hit first by an earlier westbound train on a side track and some time later he was hit by an eastbound train before his body was found by the driver of the second westbound train.

The dead man is described as aged in his 40s, 175cm tall, of proportionate build, fair complexion, brown hair and wearing blue jeans and a blue and white flannelette shirt.

Police have requested public assistance in identifying him

This is quite scary…

Well put. Also, remember that ‘sweet 16’ doesn’t mean the innocent little girl it once did. Most girls lose their virginity between 14 and 16 these days. Given that she initiated it and from the sound of it was more than willing, it’s most certainly not worth getting depressed or self-harming over. She’s probably had the hots for the OP since she was little, she saw an opportunity and she took it.

Wandered over because Evan’s gone greek for the week.

Tane, I think there is some truth to what you said, but perhaps it is not ‘the hots’ as you put it, considering the closeness of the families concerned there may have been a misrepresented form of affection manifested in a sexual fashion. If that is the case, it may indicate the emotional immaturity Bossy mentioned.
But of course this is mere speculation and can be no more.
The fact of the matter is that it should not have happened, and responsibility falls to the one more likely to be mature.
The scary thought that comes to mind is, perhaps the OP allowed his own affection to take on a sexual nature. Can we be sure he is telling the truth? That piercing glare of Bossy’s may not bring truth out of everyone.

What you did was take advantage of a child

That’s a bit strong, surely, Braddo?

I agree that the blame isn’t exactly equal here, but how do you make it 100% his fault?

He was in bed asleep, she got in to bed, spooned up to him and started caressing him.

The girl in question clearly initiated things, not him. (Unless he’s in South Australia or Tasmania), the girl involved is over the age of consent and has the legal right to initiate something.

In fact, since he had been drinking and didn’t say that she had been, isn’t it equally possible that she took advantage of him?

Good work mate.  Just what he needs.  She was the predatory one, like he is in any position to make any rational decision at the moment.

Not that he did was right, but he is that messed up.  The guy needs helps, how about giving it?

Good work mate.  Just what he needs.  She was the predatory one, like he is in any position to make any rational decision at the moment.

Not that he did was right, but he is that messed up.  The guy needs helps, how about giving it?

Al, he may well be in South Australia, he mentions going to Kindy with his mate, most other states shorten kindergaten to “kinder”

If he is South Australian, yeah, he’s in doo doo.

AL, I’m with you. Yes, she is someone’s baby, but it doesn’t mean she is still a baby and a little girl. People can be out of touch with how “grown up” 16 year olds can be.

Certainly the majority are probably as naive as anything, but there are many who know exactly what they’re doing. Saying this girl is going to suffer mental anguish from this can be a flawed assumption.

She’s 16 and he’s 40 AND he was carrying around a spare 30 kilos! Obviously he’s doing something right. I think he needs to write a book.

Braddo, she was molesting him while he was asleep after he had been drinking. You don’t think she was taking advantage of him?

The psychic letter was the other week. You are the one with no idea of the mental anguish she will suffer. It may very well be none. Then again, she may be on ACA in seven years time. Who knows.

Fact is she was legally capable of informed consent and she clearly seduced him. No denying that it was ill-advised of him to succumb to this advance, but ease up, Braddo. Not everyone can be as perfect as you and me.

isn’t it equally possible that she took advantage of him?

A 16 year just doesn’t initiate something like this without some sort of action to make her think it’s going to be accepted or wanted.

I just don’t beleive he’s as innocent as he’s making out. people often lie when confessing something, trying to justify their own actions.

He’s worried about his own anguish but hasn’t mentioned a word about how the young girl must have felt the next day. 16 year old girls have some form of attachment, they do not have carefree sex and move on like nothing happend.

It’s a very one sided tale we’re getting here. with some other facts ommitted im sure. the OP has painted a picture we are supposed to pitty him on.

I’f it was my 16yo daughter, I’d cut his balls off! no excuse cuts it.

“ you have no idea of the mental anguish this girl is going to suffer from this. you think you’ve got it bad? how do you think she feels!”

It’s been almost a decade since I was a 16 year old girl, but I can still remember enough of it to say that this is a BIG presumption.  She might be suffering, or she might not.  If this guy’s version of events is correct, and she cuddled up to him, sounds like a lot of the 16 year olds I went to school with who would be bragging to their mates that they bagged an older bloke.

Whilst some guys may give the big thumbs up to mystery midnight sex if some random happens to hop in the sack with you out of nowhere, surely you’d exercise a little caution when the only potential females in the house are your mate’s wife and daughter?

Yes she may have initiated it, but is it really that difficult to say “no”, “maybe” or even “just a sec while I gird my loins and think this over while I psyche myself up”?  I like to think that guys aren’t driven solely by their libido, but letters like this make me second guess sometimes.

Like Robin Williams said, it’s ironic that God gave men both a brain and a penis but only enough blood to run one at a time.

Never heard the word kinder in QLD, it was Kindy.

Thats just the Point… a 40 year old man saying I was drunk and vulnerable and a 16 year old took advantage of me is just plain pathetic. Male or female.

What did he wake up horny? surley he had to realize who was in bed with him, seem like he accepted it without question of any reason whatsoever.

Considering this friend is a life long one, he’s probaby watched this little girl grow up from an infant. that just makes the whole event sick in my eye’s

What if his own daughter climbed into bed with him and cuddled, would he wake with the same thoughts?

Sorry guys.... self harm case or not. he still deserves a slap upside the head. And if his mate find out, it’ll be a hell of a lot more than that I bet.

Braddo, you’re an idiot. When I was 16, I was sleeping with a 24 year old [while not 40, that’s still a pretty sizeable difference], and 5 years later, we’re still together. And I’ve never been happier.

16 year old girls are not as vulnerable as you think they are, and if *she* was the one initiating the encounter, I’m pretty sure she knew what to expect. The guy is writing in for help, and to have a wanker like you tell him what a horrible person he is surely isn’t helping. While I agree that 16/40 is a massive age gap, and the OP could have done a better job in his judgement, that in no way makes your statement acceptable.

You don’t think a 16yo would inititate soemthing like this unless she had some sort of signal from him? Boy, if you have a daughter you are going to be in for a terrible shock come her teenage years.

It is too simplistic to say he somehow gave her the come on. Sometimes it is a simple case of a girl confusing innocent signals with her own desire. Grown women are still confusing mating signals from men.

Im with you Braddo - Im sorry I dont know any 16 year old girl that would do that with absolutely no invite or indication that what she was doing would be reciporcated.

Yes young girls can act outrageously, but climbing into bed with your dads lateforties mate without any indication given that you would be welcome? I think not. There is more to this story. Its weird enough that she it texting him.

Come on people.

Kids these days are starting everything younger.

Gone are the days that females and males used to lose their virginities at the age of 17 and above.  These days, and no matter how discusted I am to type this, kids are experimenting at the young age of 13.  I personally find this extreamly disturbing to see society going down this path. 

16 year old girls have the mental capacity to make up their own minds and do as they please.  What this gentleman needs to do is confront the 16 year old girl about this and see how she feels and put it behind them both.  Secercy is the key otherwise relationships will be ruined and to be honest with you all I would kill my mate if that happened to me.

This just sounds like something out of the TV series Californication!!

I’f it was my 16yo daughter, I’d cut his balls off! no excuse cuts it.

And if your 16yo son bagged a MILF, would you mutilate her genitals too, or are you just a hypocrite?

In my experience, the men who are overly cautious of other men around their daughters were sleazebags themselves when they were younger. And men who are overly protective of women are just sexist.

When I was 16, I felt quite capable of deciding when and who I had sex with. Are you telling me I wasn’t, or is it different when it’s a girl?

Hey Shane
I grew up in QLD and everyone I know says kindy so it’s not just in SA

A couple of things.  Braddo, we call it Kindy here in Central Queensland too.

As to what a 16 year old is capable, you should meet some of the 16 year olds in this town, they would make your hair curl.  They may be the exception to the rule but they are still around (a lot).

Not saying this girl is like that or that the OP is without blame.  But still......

OP, talk to the girl and keep her calm, you have to find the strength to look outside yourself and make sure she is ok before anything else happens.  You may also find that she doesn’t want her parents to know any more than you do.  But if you ignore her now she will only get more and more upset and then probably will turn to her parents for help.

Be firm but kind with her.

As for yourself, just take a slow breath, then another, then another and so on.  Calm is good right now.  If you can’t find it ring Lifeline NOW, they can and will help.  Just keep breathing.

Nice one Braddo.  Kick him when he is down.  People do crazy stupid things when they are messed up emotionaly as he was and anyway SHE got into bed with HIM! My god i feel for the guy, no matter what happened he is going to be blamed when she sought him out. OP hang in there, i wish i could tell u my story its equally as horrible, also it was after a divorce.  All i will say is now im happily remarried with 2 lovely kids.  I know where your at in your head right now, just know u will get through this.  U may lose some friends.. granted, but life will go on.  Good people sometimes do stupid things.  Dont let this define u.

I agree, that comment is harsh.  When I was 16, I lost my virginity to a 22 year old.  Whilst it’s not quite the same, my point is that I knew exactly what I was doing and clearly, so did this girl.  It’s about how it’s handled from this point forward that’s important (and certainly not worth killing yourself over!).

Braddo,

You’re the tool. This guy made a mistake, is that something you have never done? I’m sure the girl is going to be fine after all she sought out the sexual contact. It’s not like he raped her. I understand that what took place was wrong but people sometimes make mistakes…

braddo you are so out of touch with us young people nowadays.  this is the type of things my friends brag about, most of us do it just to see if we can do it.  LOL

What is it with you people - do you not read anything in it’s entirety.

He is in his late forties and had lost 30 kilos!

Braddo, you are sooooo out of touch with 16yo girls.  I must admit that I do know some that still play with dolls but mate I know alot of others that would do this sort of thing easily - and often.  And not give the guy much more than a second thought.

I think you are saying this because you have a daughter (possibly 16yo) and don’t want to think of her doing something similar.  Just don’t get angry at her when you find out she’s not as naive or innocent as you expect.

Yeah, IT’s Kindy in Queensland too.

I forgot about Queensland, but then, doesn’t everyone?

She’s 16 - which is over the legal limit. Fair enough she’s young, but you have to draw the line somewhere and the law says having sex with a person of the age of 16 is not a crime!
however, morally ... its wrong.
i dont think she is completely innocent, but he should have known better. and from what i can tell, he completely understands that.
Good luck mate - everyone, according to the law, he’s done nothing wrong so get off his back and help with some helpful criticism.

Are you f***ing serious?

I’ve been a bit of a lurker on this blog, and that’s the way I prefer it, but I just had to comment on this.

What on earth is wrong with the posters who seem to have forgotten what it was like to be 16?  Sure, there are a lot of 16 year olds who still act like children out there, but there are also a lot who are capable of living as an adult.

When I was 16, I was sexually active, living out of home, working 2 jobs, going to high school, paying rent, and surviving just like some 30 year olds I knew. 

For those of you who are abusing a man who is already near the end of his rope, stop being so self-righteous.  As if you’ve never done anything morally questionable—in this case, the OP is not the only one to blame.

Doesn’t anyone wonder why the girl climbed into his bed in the first place?  If I were a parent, I’d be horrified to find out my 16 year old girl was acting that way…

OK… well I’m dissapointed. You lot are a bunch of bleeding hearts.

FACTS:

I’m in my late forties and have been separated from my wife for 18 months, there is no hope of us ever getting back and she is moving on. We have two children in their teens and I believe that they are coping quite well.

OK so he’s divorced, 1000’s of people go through this, yes it’s hard but you survive and go on, remaining a father to your children. (been there myself)

i have a life long friend of mine whom i’ve known since we were in kindy together, we’ve been to all the same schools and have pretty much well done the buy a car, get married, buy a home, have kids etc etc etc around the same times as each other. we’ve socialised regularly at each others homes.

Just read that again people.. HE BASICLY RAISED THIS GIRL ALONG SIDE HIS OWN!!! She probably seen him as a father figure if anything.

we had a get together at my place and the night was a pleasant BBQ few beers, listen to some music and watch the kids do there thing (my kids were home for the weekend) we all went to bed around mid night.

OK so he’s not plastered drunk, and we are to assume this 16 year old kid whom he’s known her entire life and often scoialized with just invites herself into his room ???? and you people know girls like this right??? BULLSHIT!!!

I’m my opinion, he’s done the WRONG, and he’s suffering… WELL SO HE BLOODY WELL SHOULD.

If the girl in question was 15 (below the age of consent, it could be only month in it, 99% of you would be screaming blue murder for a peadophile.

Now...as for the OP, it happended, like bossy said tell the girl it will never happen again. Get that over and done with then get on with and never speak of it again. 

“Take advantage”? Are you serious? She started it! He’d been drinking… isn’t it possible she was trying to take advantage of him?? You’re honestly out of touch with today’s teenagers if you think “A 16 year just doesn’t initiate something like this without some sort of action to make her think it’s going to be accepted or wanted.” I’m a 21-year-old with 3 younger siblings. It’s not that long since I was 16. I have a 17yo brother and 15yo sister (and a 19yo sister). I have a lot of interaction with teenagers through them and through my friends who have younger siblings and I remember my school days clearly, and let me tell you, there are plenty of 16 year olds out there who will delude themselves into believing a guy is interested in them when he’s shown no interest at all. In fact there are girls who are willing to try and seduce a guy whether they think he’s interested or not. They’ll ‘make’ him interested.

Nobody is calling him “innocent”. They’re saying he’s not as guilty as you claim.

And to Shane - I’ve lived in Queensland my whole life and we always called it “kindergarten” or “kindy”.

To Rufus - I was a juror on a case once where a 15yo boy claimed to have had sex with his mate’s mother. He did not claim rape, he claimed it was consensual sex. I can’t remember how it came to the cops’ attention- whether he told them or whether he bragged to a friend who then told the cops- but either way, he never tried to frame her as a rapist. (Btw, we acquitted her).

She’s 16 and she’s legal, but I wonder if she’s got the sexual maturity to deal with this situation.

As stated on the blog, teens are a ball of hormones and emotions - they’re not always mature and rational; they brag, bignote and therefore get themselves involved in stupid situations. In that respect, they need good adult role models to show them what is and isn’t proper behaviour.

Just look at the Sharks group sex scandal of a couple of weeks ago to see just how much regret can emotionally scar a teenager from a consensual sexual experience. When reality intrudes on the fantasy, you can get a big shock.

Also, I don’t think that losing your v-plates to someone in their early 20s at the age of 16 is at all the same as banging a dude who is the same age as your dad. This man is an old family friend and probably symbolic of family authority. That’s what disturbs me.

Braddo, sort your life out mate!!

‘you have no idea of the mental anguish this girl is going to suffer from this’ are you serious!!  she initiated the situation.

And while may have been able to prevent it going any further, it doesn’t excuse her actions! And being a friend of the family, she was probably fully aware of his divorce etc

It’s hugely unfair to lump all the blame on this guy, who’s obviously in need of some good advice. When he’s finished with the shovel you’ve given him, maybe you should use it on your head!

I lost my virginity at 18 to a 52 year old guy. I knew exactly what I was doing and was a good experience for me, in the end he got a lot more messed up from it than I did.

Am a happy well adjusted, normally sane person with a highly respectable job, its just a matter on how you think about things.

Guys

I am the wife of a man who got himself into a similar mess where it is going to end up as ‘he said she said’. The girl,now 28 and my own first cousin, laid eyes on him a long time ago when she was over 21 and initiated the break up of our marriage by playing the helpless young woman scorned by all (including me). My stupid husband fell for it and started a weird relationship behind my back. He listened to her when she said to divorce me and, stupid me, I am still here with him after he nearly did it. Then he cheated me by having email contacts with her and giving her large sums of money etc - justification; she is like a daughter or a sister. In the mean time, she ran several other boyfriends concurrently (I think my husband was the only sugar daddy). Then she met a man on the internet and ran away. Now she is slinging top class mud at my husband saying he tried to rape her for two years (that is what she said to him) and had told others that he stalked her. Interesting;y, as a teenager (between 16 - 18 as I have heard) my cousin had written to a young man to come and take her away from the hell hole of her house. When the young man came, she cried tiger and the poor man ended up in a police beating as he was ‘caught’ red-handed. Luckily he had the letter with him so he escaped. There is a whole trail of such bodies in her wake. My husband now wants me back but I am tired of his cheating (and on anti-depressants). And the young woman is very happy in her new life. Yes there are innocent girls who get into trouble for no fault of their own but then there are man eaters too - they sometimes start young and get better with practice. But the men in these cases are not completely innocent unless they were asleep during the whole thing or are mentally or physically incapacitated. Braddo, I say two hands are needed to clap. I am glad that this guy’s wife left him before this happened or she would have ended like me (but then would it have happened if the marriage was intact). Different sides to a story.

Anyone who assumes that the average 16yo is sexually innocent is well out of touch with the current teenage generation. Teens (even girls) can be just as sexually aggressive and confident as adults. We have no knowledge of her situation or attitude.

So we have an emotionally distraught and damaged male suffering from seperation and impaired personal judgement. We talk about “taking advantage” of those in a position of emotional weakness - perhaps HE was the victim here? I am not saying its true, but it is far more possible than most older posters here would believe or accept.

This was a sexual moment where he should have said no - but most adults have had at least one of those in their lives. This girl took advantage of a self-serving opportunity that may ruin many lives and potentially end one. There are two culprits in this disaster.

People should check their assumptions before passing judgement on others.

you have no idea of the mental anguish this girl is going to suffer from this===
It was the girl who initiated it… he is a guy with needs… so as you as a persons that for sure craves for your ice cream!

While I agree that he should have exercised some self control, I don’t think that you can blame him for doing anything wrong to her (to his friend, that’s a different matter).

I recall a female friend telling me, when we were in year 11 or 12 (so 16-17), that she was going to offer herself up to a friend of her dads whose wife had died because she thought he was a nice guy and deserved to be happy. She thought that would make him happy. [I’m almost certain that she wasn’t so delicate with her words]. A simplistic view of the world - pretty much standard for teens.

I don’t know if she ever did do it. I suspect that she did, she never mentioned it again. If this case mirrored that of the original poster I argue that the suggestion that he took advantage of her is just a fantasy. 

As I recall my friend knew what she wanted and was going to do it. Sure it may not have made the same decision she would have made as an adult, but most of us in our teen years made decisions we wouldn’t have made with the benefit of hindsight. I thought it was rather odd because I was waiting till marriage, but I appreciated that not every one was conservative about sex as I was.

Perhaps she picked up on the vibe that he was miserable and wanted to make him happy?

The fact that it was a friend of her dad’s didn’t change the situation for her (if anything it probably made it more comfortable being someone that she trusted/respected) and I very much doubt that she considered the trouble it would create between her father and this guy. But that’s immaturity for you - in years to come she may come to regret it.

Having said that, I think that he is digging a hole for himself - he’s going to have to face the music eventually. Life’s like that.

Braddo - I hope you are smart enough to teach your daughter to look after herself and accept the consequences of her decisions. Including doing stupid things that she regrets. If you protect her from the consequences of her own actions how will she ever learn anything Or cope with the curve balls that life throws her way as she gets older?

Yes, he’s a tool and yes it IS creepy.

But Braddo, 16 is far from being a child. Sad to say, but true. It’s not something I’d be happy with my kids doing-when I have them- but then....What has happened for her to get in bed with a man her fathers age?

Seems like a serious cry for help on her part as well.

A 16 year just doesn’t initiate something like this without some sort of action to make her think it’s going to be accepted or wanted.

That’s a self-defeating argument, Braddo.

If you’re saying that a 16 year old acts with planning and forethought, then how can you argue that he took advantage of her if she climbed into the bed and initiated sex.

Nah sorry Braddo when I was 16yo I was a promiscuous slutty little thing and I knew exactly what I was doing. I had a 19yo boyfriend when I was 15yo (he’d be locked up these days). I’m tired of people who see teenage girls through rose coloured glasses. I have a 14yo stepdaughter, who quite frankly, is like a bitch on heat at the moment. All we can do is hope she doesn’t do anything dangerous or stupid. Of course I’ve changed my ways, and do all I can to lead her down the right path, but seriously, she seems pretty much set in the path she is taking in her life. Yes some teenage girls are innocent and sweet, but there’s a hell of a lot more who aren’t! I’m constanting shocked by the depth of sexual knowledge my stepdaughter has, and the blatant way in which she talks about things like oral and anal sex. By the way she spends most of her time with her single mother in case you might think I’m the bad influence!

Braddo, you’re being an idiot.  Even at my advanced age (39 is coming ‘round the bend) I remember girls who were sexually aggressive at 16.  One used to keep count of how many different men (most of them much older than she) that she could “score” with over the weekend.

The fact that she climbed into bed with this guy when he was asleep is proof that she is sexually aggressive.  A girl who wasn’t would have required active seduction to get there (not just hints). 

She started things.  Pull your head out of your hind end and deal with that.

Oh, and be prepared when your daughter starts expressing herself sexually...I think you’re in for a shock.

It was “kindy” in the ACT, too.

Here here Braddo, agree with everything you’ve said.

It is somewhat disturbing to me that people are comparing what happened here to Californication.... because that show is an excellent lesson in reality....

People, ‘self harm’ does not mean suicide, it’s something altogether different.

Braddo, you’re just about the only one making any sense here.  I’m appalled at the amount of posters who are so quick to minimise this guy’s role and place all the responsibility on a 16 year old child.  I agree, we are not hearing the full story here, there’s more to it.  Either which way, this guy has been a snake in the grass and it’s how he handles it for now on that has the potential to redeem him.  For a start, he has to pull himself out of his own pity-party and stop playing the victim. 

PS:  Glad he’s lost 30kg’s though, it’ll do his heart some good.

Alright…

I’m not stupid, I know what 16yo’s get upto these days, my first GF was 15 (2 weeks befor her 16th birthday) when we got stuck into it. 14 + is all the norm these days I know. she’s a young woman.

But.. This man isn’t a victim, he’s a man who with 40 odd years experience in life should know better than to sleep with his best friends daughter whom he’s watched grow up from a kid. FFS people I have 20yo+ neices I still see as kids. This is where I can’t agree with most of you.

If the 16yo was someone he’s met under another situation, it would be entirerly different. But this is almost HID child in my eye’s.

Would he forgive a mate who did this to his kids? I think not. I know I couldn’t in a hurry.

No sympathy from me I’m affraid, he can suffer.. you reap what you sow.

Reread the story and then copy it out long hand in your own words just so we know you didn’t miss the main points the article second time around...Cretins who skim anything but an academic journal are a menace to society...Especially when they are taking upon their own narrow shoulders,God like proportions of passing down judgement.
There I think I’ve made my opinion of you clear enough even for your peurile brain to grasp.
Why am I so indignant because I thought to end my life this morning over something far less damaging

And I bet your girlfriend’s father (or other males in her family) saw her as a baby when she was 15 and you as just some horny teenage boy out for one thing.

No one is saying what this guy did is right- if they are, they’ve got a screw loose.

Fact is all women are someone’s daughter, niece or sister. Doesn’t stop us from being sexual beings when we’re ready to be.

Yes, he’s got years of experience and should know better, but if your girlfriend was ready to have sex at 15 with who she wanted(no matter how close to 16 she was) what stops this girl from being ready to do it with who she wants?

Not saying it’s right, just saying your logic is flawed.

I take it that you dont remember what the 16 year old girls were like when you were a teen, or did you just not get any? I was 16 once and although I didnt have sex with 40 year old men I was doing it, and I had friends that were doing men in their early 30s.
If you think that no 16 year old would have the guts to initiate such an act maybe it is time that you clean your glasses. We have kids as young as that or even younger selling themselves for a fee, both boys and girls. Sad I know but true.
To the Op...... Even though you did the wrong thing, I feel for you. From your letter I think it shows that you have a full understanding of all of the codes that you have broken. I agree with all of what Bossy has said. Although I in no way approve of what you did......mate your human, you made a mistake. If the girl had of been any younger....well that would be a different story. All you can do now is do the best you can to make it right.
Bossy has mentioned that the girl might keep it to herself, but I am not sure whether I could live with the constant tick of a time bomb always in the back of my head. You mate is going to know that something is going on as you said he is your life time friend maybe you should just fess up and be done with it. Either way the friendship is pretty much broken. But me believing that every action has a re-action I would be encouraging you to face up to what has happened so that you can move on. Dont let this ruin you, make it something that you can learn and grow from.

Who said the girl is going to ‘suffer’ mental anguish? Many 16 year old girls are sexually active and predatory, she probably wanted the thrill of hooking up with someone older, illict - thats her perogative.
If SHE came onto HIM, the only person OP has done wrong by is his mate

Who said the girl is going to ‘suffer’ mental anguish? Many 16 year old girls are sexually active and predatory, she probably wanted the thrill of hooking up with someone older, illict - thats her perogative.
If SHE came onto HIM, the only person OP has done wrong by is his mate

Braddo you will go to your grave never really knowing your daughter, because there are so many things that she will do that she will NEVER share with a parent who has an inability to see their child as an adult and every chance he will explode if he ever had a clue about what she got up to.... If you can’t treat her like an adult, she will never treat you like one.

Sure, it’s very common for 16 year old girls to jump into bed with a sleeping 40 something man and seduce them. Happens all the time. In the sick fantasies of 40 something men, that is. And that’s all we are looking at here. This event never happened. If it did, and she accuses him, this guy better revert to the old defence: deny deny deny. Because the accusation will be RAPE, not consensual sex initiated by her.

Rufus, you obviously don’t know many 16 year olds…

Rufus, i completely disagree with you. At 16, yes i was doing that. I was taking advantage of men in their 30’s and 40’s and initiating sex.
I hope that they dont feel as guilty as the OP does, because it was my decision.
Sure, there were some underlying issues within MYSELF for me to act that way, but i was certainly not taken advantage of or raped by these people.

rufus:

I am not sure what sort of people you hung out with when you were 16 and maybe I simply had strange friends at that age but I remember around 16 years of age having female friends who were in competition with each other to see who could sleep with the oldest man.

It was rather sick and twisted but this is the sort of thing that can come with growing up. In that, I would have to disagree with you that this thing does not happen and girls of this age do not seek out much older men. You are correct however as these girls I used to know would threaten to cry rape if the man ever said anything. It happens but maybe not in your insular world.

Well, it does SOMETIMES happen for old guys and teenage girls, but probably only if the guy is an international celebrity: http://www.news.com.au/dailytelegraph/story/0,22049,25565289-5006007,00.html

Couldn’t agree more with Rufus. It never happened. Firstly how often does your family sleep over after a BBQ? Then your a 16 year old girl in a house full of people, including your parents, and you sneek into the bed of your Dad’s life-long 30 Kilo overweight friend and initiate sex. Yeah, sure. Not impossible but the odds would be astronomical. If she was that keen on sex she wouldn’t have even been at the BBQ, she’d be out with her mates looking for a guy. It is a made up story for the website.

Katy, my daughter is now 18 so I no longer know many 16 yo old girls, but a couple of years ago I knew many. I can’t swear on it but I reckon none had shagged a 40yo man. Are you suggesting lots of them do it? Evidence? Loz - what was your issue? Needing a father figure? Anyone at all to love you? See that link I provided about what a dirty old ex Rolling Stone’s ex teenage wife thinks of it all now.

my daughter is now 18 so I no longer know many 16 yo old girls, but a couple of years ago I knew many. I can’t swear on it but I reckon none had shagged a 40yo man.

rufus, you have obviously raised your daughter well and encouraged her to keep friends with a reletively tame crowd. I am not saying this behavious is common in that every girl in the school yard is doing it. I am not saying it is uncommon either. Don’t think it does not happen just because you don’t know someone it has happened to.

Jeeze Loz, seducing men in their 30’s and 40’s at the age of 16.

Well wernt you a go-getter?

Rufus, i did read your link. And the point?  I didn’t read that she was raped anywhere in that story. In fact she stresses that they loved each other.
And do you really think that your daughters friends are going to be telling you that they are sleeping with 40 yr olds? Unless of course, they wanted to sleep with you.
And my reasons? Definitely not for a father figure. Or to be loved. It was more of a 16 year old discovering her sexuality and what powers a 16 yr old girl can have over a fully grown man.

No, Loz, I don’t think my daughter’s friends would tell me that they slept with a 40 yo - plain fact is that they didn’t. Their reaction to the idea would be ‘eeew!’ You must live in a strange world if you know lots of 16yo girls shagging men their father’s age. Maybe you did it and you’re kidding yourself that it’s common to make yourself feel better. Seem you don’t comprehend well either. The point of the link is that the young woman in the story was ruined by the relationship. I posted it to show such a lopsided relationship is possible (especially if the guy is powerful or famous) but it’s highly unlikely and it ends badly for the girl. Like it seems to have for you.

Hasn’t ended badly for me at all Rufus, but thanks for caring. 

Met my current partner when i was 17, who, incidentally, is the same age as me. We have been together 12 years now.

Catbiscuit - ‘Poor Guy’...ARE YOU INSANE?

What about ‘Poor friend who’s child you took advantage of, who trusted you implicitly’..

And what do you mean the 16year old needs an answer - this is not Bold And The Beautiful Catbiscuit!

Are you male Catbiscuit - Seriously, if my 16 year old niece crawled in bed with her uncle, I would NOT expect this to be a sign of lets have sex…

Your point of view is astounding..

Lexie, I think you need to read the letter & Bossy’s response again.

Firstly, this guy deeply regrets his actions, to the point where he wants to top himself. If he was writing in to brag about banging a 16yo girl it would be a very different story.

Secondly, even Bossy said this girl needs answer from him.

Thirdly, where on Earth does it say the two dads are brothers? This is NOT a case of incest. It really shits me that you would say ‘poor friend’. I am sure the girl’s dad will be very angry but his daughter is not his property! His daughter made a decision, albeit not in her best interests, but entirely consensual. If the OP abused anyone’s trust, it was the daughters, NOT the fathers.

Fourthly, I doubt very much you have any experience with mental illness. Things can, and do, spiral out of your control very quickly. Your brain can be telling you one thing but you see yourself doing the opposite anyway. Sometimes in the moment you have no awareness of the consequences of your actions.

And FYI, I am female. And I also remember being a 16yo girl with more hormones than sense. I think you need to stop being so damn judgemental & try to imagine being on the brink of suicice!

Lexie, your not reading the whole comment is pretty astounding. Note we are supposed to be advising the OP what to do, the girl nor her father have written in.

Much like Bossy has told the OP, we can’t react on a hair trigger.

Around 3 in the morning i awoke to find a female spooned up against my back stroking my stomach

I won’t jump on the “poor guy” bandwagon because I think the OP is a big boy and has the ability to make his own decisions, such as saying “no”, but presuming the above is accurate, this sounds like a sign on “lets have sex” to me.

Catbiscuit & Co:

1. Despite the fact the OP is the author does not mean that all replies must be sympathetic to the OP.

2. The OP himself declares that he has knows this girl since she was a baby and has been best friends with her Father since Kindy. This would indicate to me that the girl in question would view the man as an ‘uncle’ figureatively speaking.

3. The OP I assume would have an idea how the bossy blog works. Bossy puts forth her advice and we as the humble public are invited to put forth ours. You can’t be so naive to expect that we all AGREE with Bossy or this would make for very ordinary reading. I don’t agree that the girl needs an explanation. I am of the opinion that her parents - the OP’s best friend who would need consulting first and foremost.

4.  You have no idea what experience I have had with mental illness. Nor are you aware of my dealings with sexual abuse.

5. Despite the fact that 16 year olds are all ‘allegedly’ fuelled with irrational hormones does not excuse the OP’s behaviour. One would expect a 40 year old to behave appropriately in that situation, when we do not know if the girl approached him as a child seeking affection or as a ‘Lolita’ type.

6. I am very sorry to hear the OP has considered suicide. Seek help OP immediately. But I am also entitled to not excuse his behaviour having seen and experienced the far reaching consequences of such actions.

PP - I don’t entirely agree that this girl’s actions of spooning alone meant “Let’s have sex!”

It does not always mean that. In this case, I believe it did as it would appear they both followed through with things.

Just wanted to clarify though that

Around 3 in the morning i awoke to find a female spooned up against my back stroking my stomach

I know there are some guys who will disagree but they will be the same ones who seem to lack basic respect for women..

Are you an idiot Lexie?
You obviously didn’t read the blog properly, where does it say he is her uncle?
You must be completely out of touch as you have no idea what 16 year olds get up to these days. The guy has made a big mistake but by no way is he 100% to blame.

And Lexis’ ability to “READ” is questionable, please everyone pretend lexi said nothing until she can read the OP clearly right through and comprehend the lot.

Lexie has a point.. My parents have close family friends from childhood whom I have grown up with and called them ‘aunty’ or ‘uncle’ even though they are not technically. If they were as close as OP says, than it would have very much been like sleeping with his niece. Just because the blood is not there, doesn’t mean the relationship isn’t. OP needs serious help for more than one reason. We also all need to respect each others opinions. The OP does know how the blog works and as a 40year old man, understands the consequences by posting on a blog where anyone can say anything (almost).

Lexie, I normally agree with what you have to say, at least to some point but not in this instance. I can understand that you or someone close to you may have experienced some very nasty things in your past which you are concerned about here. Possibly even at the hands of a family friend. From that point, I can understand where you are coming from.

However, the way the OP has written the letter, taking it on face value I believe this is quite a different situation. The OP has not done anything illegal. He did not even seek out this girl for sex. As it happen, he is under a lot of emotional distress from a marriage break down and possibly not been laid for 18 months. Add alcohol to the mix, even if it should normally be out of his system by 3am based on the amount he had to drink, his judgement is likely to be clouded. He is asleep and gets woken by a horny 16 year old girl cuddling up to him when she shouldn’t be....

He did not seek her out, he did not groom her for sex, he probably did not even express interest in her before the time she crawled into bed with him. That therefore does not make him a sexual preditor. I do not agree or condone what he did and I personally think that at that point, he should have gotten dressed, left the house and called a taxi home or made use of some other public transport. He didn’t. Instead, he let things escalate and spiral out of his control to the point he probably made the worst mistake of his life.

As one poster has already posed the question - If it were a 16 year old boy and a 40 something woman in exactly the same situation, would you still have a problem? Who would be in the wrong? The woman who should have known better of the boy for starting it?

Also, I have a few friends who, while they have not slept with their mate’s teenage daughter, have been in situations of impared judgement and been taken advantage of by a younger acquaintance with more hormones than common sense. It was not non-consentual but it was certainly not something they would have done if they were thinking straight. While slightly different, I know how the OP probably feels about the situation and treating him like a sexual preditor or child molester is not going to solve the problem.

So, after my little rant, I believe a little sensitivity is warranted here.

You are all nutters. Seriously..

You people should seriously wake up to yourselves…

All I am hearing is bullshit like ‘legal age of consent’ and ‘all 16 year olds sleep around’, ‘she crawled into bed with him’ etc etc

What is WRONG WITH YOU ALL??

Here’s the thing people - regardless of the age of consent, the girl is still a child. And the child of a trusted friend.

The issue here is NOT that a 16 year old girl slept with a 40 year old random man - but the trusted friend of his best mate.

What would YOU do in this instance if you were that child’s parent? Legalities aside, you inherantly know it is wrong - Christ, even the OP knows it is, hence his dismay.

I look at my husbands mates and the thought of them doing this to my daughters when they are 16 makes me feel violently ill.

Seriously, what is the world coming too?

Lexie, I hope none of that was aimed at me....?

1. I do not think what the OP did was morally right. If it were my daughter, I probably would come at him with whatever large, menacing object I could get my hands on.

2. I was always brought up with the values of “Never sleep with someone old enough to be your parent or young enough to be your child.” It would appear that many people in today’s society do not share that value and I have had friends who went against that idea. So again, I do not think it is right.

3. Being male and having had bouts of depression, I can understand how the OP’s judgement would have been impared. It is possible to get so low that a guy will take an offer from just about anyone who makes it regardless of consequence. At the time, is he knew what he was doing, he probably figured that he wouldn’t be around much longer anyway…

4. Seriously, if my 16 year old niece crawled in bed with her uncle, I would NOT expect this to be a sign of lets have sex. She’s 16. Forget whatever relationship there may be, what would you expect this to be a sign of? At very least, this girl would need a very good talking to by her parents.

5. Yes the OP and the girls father were very close friends and no, it should not have happened. However, I do not believe he took advantage of the situation. He did however do a very stupid thing which cannot be undone.

People do things in different situations for different reasons. Not all of them are right. Sometimes our ‘warning light’ switching between right and wrong ceases to function which is when we all do stupid things.

“You cannot begin to judge a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes.”

Rings very true here.

Until then, you can only try to understand his problem and guide him along the way.

Lexie, the issue isn’t really if he did something wrong or not (although he admits he did), it is that he shouldn’t kill himself over it.

Having a daughter is lovely. Having perverted creepy old men “friends” that would take advantage of the daughter is not

You might have a son too who is on the other end of the situation.

Or does this not worry you in the slightest?

What a stupid thing to say!

As a parent, how you raise your child has about a 60% determination on how they turn out as young adults and grow into their own lives. Of course you can’t control everything in a child’s life but your actions, attitudes and behaviour is reflected in your children. I am not saying the girl’s parents are responsible for her behaviour and yes, I believe she is at least 50% responsible to this stupid act but I am saying she may have acted differently if the adult influences in her life had different attitudes to sex & women…

I don’t think the weather in England is going to help his mental state.

Speaking of which, what a glorious day in Rocky!  Makes one happy to be alive.

It is a good day here, but I wouldn’t mind if it rained during the working week - saves me having to water the grass - and save these good days for the weekend.

It might not but if this girl’s father finds out it could well compromise his physical state.

I miss the lovely Rocky weather! Way too much rain and cold down here! Give me warm winters any day!

Maybe Japan. They have more and faster trains there.

It did rain where I am today, just a lil sprinkle, looks pretty clear now.  I really hate the heat but I also object to having to rug up constantly so Rocky is pretty good really.  Quite chilly in the breeze today.

ANYWAY, yes I think if the girl’s father is like most fathers he will probably attempt to compromise his physical state in a fairly rapid manner.

Megs, I’m no expert on suicide and I certainly don’t think you can put all suicides in the same basket, and I’m terribly sorry for what you and your family must have gone through after losing your sibling, and still are… I just think in this instance I’d have to agree with Bossy, that suicide for him would be very gutless, as by the sounds of it, the thought only crossed his mind because he doesn’t know how to face this particular situation he has got himself into, so killing himself is his way out therefore being far more cowardly and gutless than actually facing the issue. He has his own family and children to think of, it would be very selfish of him to leave them.

While we wish that the OP could just let the ‘truth’ come out (if that truth is as we read), it is a certainty that the girl will be victimised, and he will be made out to be the monster, prehaps even criminally charged. That’s the way today’s sensationalised population works. I do agree that forgiveness from everyone other than himself will be hard to come by.

As for the OP? As everyone else has been saying to you, including Bossy, go and get help. A counsellor, psychiatrist, doctor, confess at your local Catholic church. It will help alleviate the extreme levels of guilt pushing you over the edge.

All the best OP.

“He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone....”