Wonkette

What’s the best way to deal with an environmental disaster? If you’re a National Review Online writer in June 2010 or, say, the Soviet Union three or four decades ago, the answer is simple: Drop a nuclear bomb on the leaking wellhead in the Gulf of Mexico. If the Rooskies used to do it, it must be a great market-driven solution, right? Besides, you could maybe “trap virtually all of the radioactive fallout within the sub-oceanic bedrock.” MORE »

Well, guess what. Today is the final day for editor “Jim Newell” (me) at your Wonkette, and this is my last post. I will be starting at Gawker on Monday! So, should I just rattle off a few Blingees of furries, write “ha ha,” and then be done with it? Probably. Instead I will just type for an hour or so until I have to go somewhere. “Ha ha.” Oh dear… MORE »

Television’s best channel CNN simply cannot breathe in this environment, where the only truthful way to cover the oil spill is to make it all negative, all the time. Is that really *news*? Everyone at CNN knows that something only qualifies as “news” when one side says it’s a bad thing, while the other necessarily says it’s good for America. Can CNN 50/50-ize this likely worst-in-a-generation event into a proper “news” story? They’re gonna try, apparently, sometime after 4:00 this afternoon! MORE »

America’s bravest Fighter of Mexicans, Arizona governor Jan Brewer, just can’t stop talking about all the good reasons to round up brown people and kill them. After all, didn’t the Nazis round up all the Jews and Catholics and Queers and Other Minorities and kill them? Exactly. Oh wait, but the Nazis were the Bad Guys? Jeez this is totally confusing. Okay, so Nazis should be hunted like Mexicans are hunted? This is starting to make sense — especially to Jan Brewer, who knows quite a lot about the sacrifices people make while fighting Nazis. Her father used to do that! Hell, he died doing that, which is super brave, in Nazi Germany. Only this is just a completely made-up bullshit lie and Jan Brewer should be buried alive beneath the Holocaust Museum. MORE »

Hooray, FREEDOM has reached Facebook.com during this terrible time, when it’s such a failed cultural phenomenon to Quit Facebook, which is just a website on the Internet. You can now be “friends” with (or “fans” of?) George W. Bush, Poppy’s jackass spawn, on this web-based application, which allows you to leave your finest praises for our estimable king. Or you can be a Traitor like “C. Michael Kim” and leave rubbish. MUSH, MUSH! [Facebook via The Awl]

Are you interested in being “part of the national conversation” and owning a still living relic of a bygone publishing ecosystem? Well, you still have a few hours left to put in a bid on Newsweek, if you have a few million dollars lying around. Don’t worry, Kaplan Test Prep’s unprofitable publishing arm will probably take on most of the thing’s debt, just so its high-level officers don’t have to have the experience of spotting the magazine mouldering in a gutter somewhere and thinking “Fuck, do we still publish that?” But believe it or not, you might have some competition for your bid. Who could possibly want this desiccated magazine-corpse? MORE »

Former chair of the Florida Republican Party Jim Greer, most “famous” nationally for flipping out over Obama’s socialist plan to tell American children “education is good for you” on their first day of school last year, was “arrested Wednesday morning at his home, though charges against the disgraced chairman were not immediately available.” Indeed, anyone who takes a photo like that deserves to be disgraced. Oh that’s his mugshot, right! He was disgraced earlier in the year, when he left his post after ALLEGEDLY doing the awful things for which he was arrested this morning. MORE »

Troubled oil giant BP, which just wants its life back, is having a “bad news year” and needs the kind of experienced press flak who’s got plenty of experience lying for America’s most evil people. This is, after all, America — despite the Gulf of Mexico’s mysterious “Mexican Name” that keeps Sarah Palin confused every night on Twitter (”Well if it’s so Mexican then where’s the Taco Bells?”). So, BP hired Dick Cheney’s former press secretary, Anne “Anne Kolton” Womack-Kolton, as the disaster company’s new spokeslady. Everything about this hire is perfect. MORE »

Wednesday, June 2: Things we learned this week: Not even dressing up in Sex Monster costumes and prolonged public displays of affection can guarantee the success of a marriage. Oh well. But if the old tales of blogger/senator romance have you still believing in love, a romantic (and cheap!) date option is to enjoy the happy hour at Bistrot Lepic, when wines by the glass are half price. [Bistro Lepic] MORE »

Esteemed man of letters Fred “#ftrs” Thompson drove a Folksy Truck of the People long before Scott Brown ever drove his pants-free pickup all over Taxachusetts, winning votes and ladies’ hearts. So just how come nobody has asked him for his views on Brown’s fancy rip-off truck, you’ve been wondering for so many months now? Well, wonder no more! MORE »

WHAT WE NEED IS ANOTHER SAW TO GET THAT SAW OUT: Your one-sentence AP story of the day: “Coast Guard says saw has become stuck in riser pipe in latest effort to contain Gulf oil spill.” [AP]

Fancy New York City glossy Vanity Fair has a new profile of Washington’s Premier Hostess & Greatest Newspaper Writer, Sally Quinn, describing the turmoil this gal went through when her husband’s newspaper, The Washington Post, decided to end her insane print column, “The Party,” after she had used her space one week to describe a personal, social scheduling conflict of hers, and nothing else. How did Sally Quinn, Queen and Spokeswoman of the Washington Premier Socialite Village Lawn Party Country Club, ever survive this episode? With her magical minotaur powers, of course! Did you know that Sally Quinn is a *minotaur*? MORE »

Yes, governor, we do get it now! When you were leading thousands of morons in shouting “drill, baby, drill” (or, sorry, “drill,baby,drill”) and “drill here, drill now”, what you were trying to get at was that we should in no way be doing exploratory offshore drilling, baby, exploratory offshore drilling, because that’s dangerous. How could we have been so blind? MORE »