More than 5000 men and three women, clutching dog-eared rulebooks and dice, have gathered outside Dungeons & Dragons creator Gary Gygax's Wisconsin home this week, after learning the American game designer had died at the age of 69. Although official reports have blamed a heart attack, archmage Mordenkainen is claiming responsibility and demanding experience points for the kill.

Frustrated film buffs have reported that recent advances in laser technology have had no discernible impact on the quality of 2003's Ben Affleck-Jennifer Lopez romantic comedy Gigli. "Those Blu-Ray ads led me to believe anything I watched would include samurai warriors and awesome blue beams of light, not appalling dialogue and tacked-on romantic subplots," complained PS3 owner Ian Murphy. "If anything, Gigli sucks even more in high definition." 

Seeking to follow in the footsteps of well-received movies like Spider-Man 3, Shrek The Third and Pirates Of The Caribbean: At World's End, director Stephen Herek has announced plans to make Bill & Ted's Radical Pilgrimage later this year. "I think the time is right for us to all learn what happened to the dudes 16 years on," he said. "Are they still married to the babes? Are the Wyld Stallyns still together?"

In the wake of fresh crackdowns on unlawful file-sharing, Peter Andre has announced that he personally has no problem with people making digital copies of his work and trading them online. "If the people want to hear my work, who am I to stand in their way?" he said. "I sang 'Gimme Little Sign' for the fans, not for the money."

Danish tourist Nikolaj Neilsen, who has been lost in the Snowy Mountains for seven days, is already imagining a successful and profitable publishing career once he is rescued. The 23-year-old fell 35 metres when a rope snapped, causing him serious injury. "I've been keeping a video diary," he said, sheltering under an icy overhang. "I plan to use it as a reference when I recount my harrowing experience in a gripping tale of tenacity and survival for a major publisher."

Critics have slammed an SMS sent by account executive Morgan Teuber to a group of his friends, claiming the tone of his brief communication is unclear. The text message, which stated a desire "2 C TRANSFORMERS ITLL B COOL", has divided recipients, who are unable to reach consensus on whether Teuber was serious, joking or something else entirely.

The Royal Swedish Academy of Arts and Scientists will break with more of a century of tradition to award their first award for effort, rather than excellence. Stung by criticisms that the body was elitist, the Academy has announced a new 'Most Improved' Category, for those trying hard in their given field.

Celebrity footballer Wayne Freehold reaffirmed his commitment to charitable causes yesterday, when he agreed to make an appearance for disabled children's charity Bright Futures, or as he calls it "that fucking thing with the kids". The announcement was made in a late-night cell-phone call with his agent, Michael Liebowitz, who laughingly declared the footballer "a bloody humanitarian."

After gathering dust on a rumpus room bookshelf for more than seven years, a faded copy of Tae Bo Gold has been consigned to the dump during a moment of self-awareness on the part of its owner, accounts payable clerk Teri Rosewater. "Every other time I've cleaned that room, I've told myself I'll get back into Tae Bo one day," she said. "This time, I had to face the facts. After all, we don't even own a VCR anymore."